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one year and i cant accept this

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  • one year and i cant accept this

    a year ago i was starting medical school, and thats exactly when my dry eyes started. im now starting my second year and cant believe its been a full year since this all started.
    i remember being so hopeful that it was only temporary but im exactly where i started and sit here crying just as hard as i did a year ago.

    i took the teeniest tiniest amount of accutane and ill never understand how that could have done this to me. ive had all the fancy tests and doctors tell me my eyes are fine and its just neuropathic pain, and that my corneas are hypersensitive, but i know it was the accutane. the thing that kills me most is i never even had bad acne. i had oily skin and i was so vain that i had to take that poisonous drug. it seems so unfair, literally all my friends and both my sisters took full dose courses with no problem, they now have beautiful skin and perfect eyes. yet I am the one back to my mediocre greasy skin along with eyes that consume my thoughts almost 24/7.

    i just dont know how to forgive myself. how do I ever accept that I did this to myself? that if I had just sucked it up and dealt with the skin i was born with, my eyes would be white and pain-free? i literally look at other people's eyes and feel jealous. they're not in pain 24/7 and they're not super red 24/7, I know it could be much worse, but I'm sick of checking the mirror every 2 minutes to see how red my eyes are, and im sick of staying home because my eyes are too gritty to put on makeup. when i drink alcohol my eyes get so red i look stoned, and it ruins my night every time.

    i havent been studying because im just too upset, im so behind, but i feel like it doesnt matter because i cant imagine being a doctor with these eyes anyway. if it werent for this my life would have been so perfect. im at a top 20 med school i have lots of friends i have a loving family im super passionate about what i do but i just cant even focus on that or be happy about it all because i destroyed my own eyes at age 20.

    i keep reading these forums of everyone with accutane-induced dry eye saying they never recovered, saying absolutely nothing helped, and i feel so hopeless. my friends and family are sick of listening to me bawl my eyes out about the same thing, but no one understands. the feelings of regret and anger I have are just as bad as they were a year ago, and I really cant see myself living like this forever.

    i just want to be a normal girl and hang out with my friends and focus on becoming a doctor but i can never rid myself of the permanent pit in my stomach, the constant anxiety and depression i have for ruining my own life so young. i want to go back in time. im a totally different person. i used to be a life of the party talkative excited positive person but now im a pessimistic downer who is always angry or upset or complaining. i dont recognize myself anymore.

    i dont know if anyone will read this or if im even supposed to write something like this but i felt i just had to write it down. my heart breaks for everyone else feeling this way and i hope some of you are managing better than i am.

  • #2
    Hi avocadoeyes, I know how you feel. You don't have to feel guilty. It is possible that accutane is not the cause in your dry eye. Maybe it's just a case. I don't know what caused my dry eye (I never took accutane), but it could be anything, maybe we are simply predisposed to contract that disease.
    I often have these thoughts:
    - If I could go back I could avoid this and that... and I would do this and that... (but we can't go back in time)
    - Why me? (Everyone gets sick sooner o later, unfortunately that's our turn)
    - Why dry eye? (It could have been anything, even something worst.)
    - Why I did that thing? (we couldn't know, we would never do something that can get us sick)
    - I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life (Universe is costantly changing, and also us)
    Continuing to have these thoughts doesn't help. Useful questions are: What can I do now to feel better? How can I improve my condition?
    Try to do everything you can, follow a healthy diet, improve your body and your life style, try rest your eyes for a long period, take the right treatments. Even your emotional state can influence your body. Practice mindfulness meditation, and spend more time with your partner and friends. Having the love of someone can ward off anxiety and depression.
    Once you have experienced all these things, your condition will certainly be better. And if it's not, you will still have learned to take care of yourself.
    And rememeber: Sometimes healing doesn't mean to heal the disease, but learning to live with it.

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    • #3
      Wise words

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      • #4
        I feel so upset for you. You will improve I am sure and learn some coping mechanisms. It's very frustrating because very few people understand what it is like to live with dry eye. I don't know why my eyes are so bad. I too constantly berate myself for having too much screen time, not going to the dictors when I 1st had pain in my eyes. As the last person wrote it may not even have been the drug you took. My daughters both took a prolonged course(s) and they haven't suffered. It really worked for them and thousands of others. Truly bad acne needs roactanne as it can reallly scar your skin. Maybe you could get some glasses with an amber tint that lessons the redness. I don't ever look at my eyes unless I am feeling strong, usually only once per 3 months. Please don't be somhard on yourself. We can try and support you.

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