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Hello, my name is Emil and I am 26 years old from Sweden. I am in a horrible situation and I don't know what to do. Here is a summary:
I have oculofascial pain syndrome (similar to corneal neuropathy) after a very peculiar accident involving me in a state of chock looking at a strong light for too long, damaging my eyes (or nerves). It was a laser light that I use to treat my already horrible hearing situation (kind of alternative treatment for tinnitus which has shown some efficacy). The lasers form two big red blobs when projected onto a wall and the light is quite strong. I did not feel any pain while looking at it as it came afterwards. I was too zoned off to notice anyways, because of being in chock... My world was turned upside down that night. It's a little private so I won't go into details, but let's just say something very important I believed very strongly to be true was not (previous trauma was involved in distorting my view). Anyhow I started philosophizing about the situation while attaching my mind to this somehow very attractive light that I happened to start beaming on the wall, perhaps to assist my thinking or just to have something real to attach my mind to...
This was almost 3 months ago. The first couple of weeks I was desperately hoping that the pain and photophobia would diminish but it didn't, so upon realizing the horrible thing that had just happened I started getting very strong suicidal thoughts and I admitted myself to a psych ward for 3 weeks. None of the Eye docs saw anything wrong with me which was appearenly to be expected according to Dr. Perry Rosenthal who is leading expert in the field of these diseases; he says most doctors write off these neurological conditions as dry eye since they cannot see anything wrong with the eyes, but the problem is actually in the brain and more specifically the trigmenal brain stem. So nobody believed me and I was considered psychotic for amplifying my dry eye pain signals. Still I was released 3 weeks later, probably because I appeared the most sane out of all the people there... So out in the world again with no job, nothing to do and only a few friends - most of them newly made from the hospital. My carreer as a football player (on a fairly high level) was over as I could not tolerate the increased pain of playing, not even with googles. Well I could, but it was no fun anymore and I became a much worse player.
I am trying to find something worthwhile doing that can distract me from my pain and not make it worse. I am quite severely photophobic and have dry, sensitive eyes with constant pain. Going outside my apartment won't happen unless absolutely neccessary becaused of the inevitable increase in pain. And there is nothing to do inside my apartment either. I hate looking at myself in the mirror because I start to feel intensely sorry for myself very quickly. I also cannot watch screens for very long and I also cannot listen to music or audio books for very long either due to severe tinnitus that quickly becomes intolerable, even when listening at very low volumes. Basically my two most prescious senses are crippled and I am becoming more and more depressed, sleeping up to 14 hours a day just to kill time. I often get some very disturbing auditory hallucinations while going in or out of sleep which is a sign of immense inner stress. I have very little hopes of living a normal life. My thoughts keep spinning in my head telling me that my life is a complete disaster and that it is basically over. I think of suicide every day and has found suitable a method of doing so. I hate the thought of suicide but I hate the thought of living with this **** even more. But I am willing to stand this hell for a bit longer just to see if time can improve it, and I am also going to try Ketamine treatment as dr. Rosenthal has had success with it and he thought it would be a viable option for me. Ketamine is usually a last resort for pain patients but I am definately in a last resort-situation. They do not offer it here in Sweden so I will either have to go abroad or do it myself.
I am also very worried of the winter that is coming. Sweden has long and very cold winters and I am worried how this is going to affect my eyes. The last couple of days I have been researching for tropical places to escape to, and I am thinking the Philippines could be a good idea. I have some money saved so I could survive for a while there. I would need some very good sunglasses however...
Any input is much appreciated...
/Emil
I have oculofascial pain syndrome (similar to corneal neuropathy) after a very peculiar accident involving me in a state of chock looking at a strong light for too long, damaging my eyes (or nerves). It was a laser light that I use to treat my already horrible hearing situation (kind of alternative treatment for tinnitus which has shown some efficacy). The lasers form two big red blobs when projected onto a wall and the light is quite strong. I did not feel any pain while looking at it as it came afterwards. I was too zoned off to notice anyways, because of being in chock... My world was turned upside down that night. It's a little private so I won't go into details, but let's just say something very important I believed very strongly to be true was not (previous trauma was involved in distorting my view). Anyhow I started philosophizing about the situation while attaching my mind to this somehow very attractive light that I happened to start beaming on the wall, perhaps to assist my thinking or just to have something real to attach my mind to...
This was almost 3 months ago. The first couple of weeks I was desperately hoping that the pain and photophobia would diminish but it didn't, so upon realizing the horrible thing that had just happened I started getting very strong suicidal thoughts and I admitted myself to a psych ward for 3 weeks. None of the Eye docs saw anything wrong with me which was appearenly to be expected according to Dr. Perry Rosenthal who is leading expert in the field of these diseases; he says most doctors write off these neurological conditions as dry eye since they cannot see anything wrong with the eyes, but the problem is actually in the brain and more specifically the trigmenal brain stem. So nobody believed me and I was considered psychotic for amplifying my dry eye pain signals. Still I was released 3 weeks later, probably because I appeared the most sane out of all the people there... So out in the world again with no job, nothing to do and only a few friends - most of them newly made from the hospital. My carreer as a football player (on a fairly high level) was over as I could not tolerate the increased pain of playing, not even with googles. Well I could, but it was no fun anymore and I became a much worse player.
I am trying to find something worthwhile doing that can distract me from my pain and not make it worse. I am quite severely photophobic and have dry, sensitive eyes with constant pain. Going outside my apartment won't happen unless absolutely neccessary becaused of the inevitable increase in pain. And there is nothing to do inside my apartment either. I hate looking at myself in the mirror because I start to feel intensely sorry for myself very quickly. I also cannot watch screens for very long and I also cannot listen to music or audio books for very long either due to severe tinnitus that quickly becomes intolerable, even when listening at very low volumes. Basically my two most prescious senses are crippled and I am becoming more and more depressed, sleeping up to 14 hours a day just to kill time. I often get some very disturbing auditory hallucinations while going in or out of sleep which is a sign of immense inner stress. I have very little hopes of living a normal life. My thoughts keep spinning in my head telling me that my life is a complete disaster and that it is basically over. I think of suicide every day and has found suitable a method of doing so. I hate the thought of suicide but I hate the thought of living with this **** even more. But I am willing to stand this hell for a bit longer just to see if time can improve it, and I am also going to try Ketamine treatment as dr. Rosenthal has had success with it and he thought it would be a viable option for me. Ketamine is usually a last resort for pain patients but I am definately in a last resort-situation. They do not offer it here in Sweden so I will either have to go abroad or do it myself.
I am also very worried of the winter that is coming. Sweden has long and very cold winters and I am worried how this is going to affect my eyes. The last couple of days I have been researching for tropical places to escape to, and I am thinking the Philippines could be a good idea. I have some money saved so I could survive for a while there. I would need some very good sunglasses however...
Any input is much appreciated...
/Emil
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