A dark, dark place.

[liz56]

I don't know if it would help or not, but have you tried serum drops? They are supposed to help heal the surface of the eye and keep it healthy.

Texaseyes

Thanks for the suggestion. I don't know what serum drops are. I have been on muro 128 5% since my correct diagnosis was made. It helps. I have been without an erosion since June 28th, and my eyes are not sticking together, but that may also be due to the fact that I am getting up every three hours to put in Genteal Gel.

[Isis]

A dark dark place indeed. Thanks for this, it's very inspiring.

[Rebecca Petris]

More on depression

I spent a long time today on the phone with a post LASIK patient who is struggling with severe depression. Between the content of that call and a recent post by another LASIK patient whose words really resonated with me, I found myself reflecting some more on the profound experience of depression so many people go through. Mind, I am ignorant as a stone of any technical matters relating to depression and this is all just based on my simple layperson's observations.

I have seen this pattern over and over and over in the years that I've been involved with LASIK complications patients and with dry eye. While it's always very painful to witness the pain people go through, the positive aspect of it is that you get such a strong sense of the pattern that you gain confidence about what lies ahead. I sometimes feel like a broken record playing "IT WILL GET BETTER. IT WILL GET BETTER. TRUST ME." over and over. And yet in fact I not merely hope but BELIEVE it to be the case.

It never ceases to amaze me what a leveler depression is, striking all types, personalities, education levels and so on.

People who you would normally think of as extremely capable, clear thinkers under any and all circumstances, when truly struck by this brand of severe depression, can utterly fail to grasp that their present state of mind is NOT a permanent state of being: that the physiological impact of deep shock on their brain, emotions and physical wellbeing - or to put it another way the physiological response of their whole mind and body to what they are going through - is profound yet TEMPORARY.

It goes back to what I talked about in the dark dark place post: You try to visualize the rest of your life subject to the constraints you are currently experiencing, and that picture is simply unbearable. But that whole concept is not based on reality, it's just all about fear not fact. The ultimate and most dangerous point in that kind of thinking is when ending the journey prematurely starts to look perfectly rational. That is the point at which there is no rationality whatsoever left in your thought process.

The trees around you are so terribly disconcerting that you're actually convinced you're in a forest without an end. But the fact that you're hacking your way through dense vegetation now - and for the last three months or twelve months or however long it has been - does not mean the entire face of the planet consists of a single ecosystem! It just means you're in a forest at this moment and, as a matter of course, from your current situation you cannot actually see the border or count every step out of it.

No one can give you an exact map or calculate the exact rate at which you'll travel through the forest - and ultimately, you do have to get through it. But if you can put down your hatchet long enough to let a friend assist you in finding some landmarks, or take shelter and get some badly-needed rest in a nearby cabin built for travelers, you will get to the border sooner and more easily - and most of all you will be safer from succumbing to sheer exhaustion along the way.

If you've never experienced depression before, it will be that much harder to accept that you ever could, and that much more frightening to you as an experience. If you're a level-headed high-performing over-achiever, good in a storm normally, it may be particularly hard to accept and understand. People who feel always confident and in control may even find it EASIER to believe that this is a permanent state of being - that something has happened that's changed them irrevocably into someone they really don't like at all - than accept that they are going through something that they can't control.

All this is a very wordy way of saying, LOOK OUT for the warning signs of depression and GET HELP when you spot them. If you can do nothing else, reach out to someone near you and tell them you think you may need help.

[Rojzen]

yes, the light at the end of the tunnel is real; say "pain"

Had Rebecca's astonishing compassion, intellect, and wisdom been available to me, at the time, I would probably have emerged far more quickly than I did from my dark, dark place, now long ago. Still, the memory of darkness is something one bears always, and so it is never too late to drink in and understand the meaning of what Rebecca is offering us here. . .

I was very clumsy at reaching out for help, even when I finally got the wherewithal to do so. . .and when I did, the short shrift that some mental health professionals gave my eye situation stood seriously in the way of getting the right help, in timely fashion. On this front, I have one potentially useful thought:

Not every aspect of DES involves what we might generally describe as "pain," and for some, physical pain is not the worst problem with DES. Until, however, I started describing the experience that was so profoundly depressing me as "pain," mental health professionals would talk down to me, openly suggesting that it could not possibly be my eye problem that was triggering my disabling mental state.

I don't advocate misrepresenting, when it comes to getting help, but I would say that it is not a stretch to describe everything we go through, from agonizing erosions to the gritty or menthol sensation, as forms of "pain". . .and if that term helps others to come closer to understanding that our cry for help is an urgent one, I say use it liberally. . .

[brd888]

A year?

I can't believe its been a whole year past since this post went up!
What a persisting disease this is!
I remember thinking I had done well to put up with the original problem for 10 days before seeing a doctor.
I dunno if I should be proud I've worked though nearly 3 years with this problem or depressed that I still haven't defeated it..

A dark place and a long tunnel...

[autumnn]

brd888- I am with you on this one. What scares me is that I relate even more to her original post than I did a year ago. This could very well mean I have become worse. This is a very dark place and I find myself so isolated because I am so unhappy and preoccupied..... I have often found myself wondering how I can possibly live like this. I feel as if slowly my life is being erased.

[lboogie]

I am right there with you. Please see about couseling. I am going in to see another couneslor next week -- I did not feel like the first counselor "got it" and I felt like if anything she belittled my issues. BUT I spoke with someone who assisgned me a new person. I guess they are like eye docs, you have to keep trying. I know that I really, really need some help getting a grip on the guilt and fear and worry about the future.

I also wanted to put a plug in for a book that has been mentioned here before -- Full Catastrophe Living by John Kabat-Zinn. I have only listened to the abridged book on tape -- but I really liked it. There are accompanying guided mediation CDs. He has some really practical things to say and things we can do to ease the mental pain and deal with the physical pain.

It does seem so very dark doesn't it.......but it can't stay this way forever....I just know it -- We are all strong and wonderful people.

[mclaire66]

It goes back to what I talked about in the dark dark place post: You try to visualize the rest of your life subject to the constraints you are currently experiencing, and that picture is simply unbearable. But that whole concept is not based on reality, it's just all about fear not fact. The ultimate and most dangerous point in that kind of thinking is when ending the journey prematurely starts to look perfectly rational. That is the point at which there is no rationality whatsoever left in your thought process.

The trees around you are so terribly disconcerting that you're actually convinced you're in a forest without an end. But the fact that you're hacking your way through dense vegetation now - and for the last three months or twelve months or however long it has been - does not mean the entire face of the planet consists of a single ecosystem! It just means you're in a forest at this moment and, as a matter of course, from your current situation you cannot actually see the border or count every step out of it.

thanks for putting things in perspective rebecca cuz most of my thought process lately is that i will feel like this for the rest of my life and that if that is the case i cannot accept it--it's just so hard when you're in the thick of the forest to ever think you'll see the light of day again--one of the worst parts for me is the insensitivity of some people around me who think it's by choice that my activities are now so limited, i try to get out as much as i can but it's not easy and no one wants to understand that, everyone just seems to want me to just suck it up and deal with it but it's hard to ignore the fact that you feel like someone punched you in the eyes 24 hours a day--that's why this place has been so valuable to me because at least here i feel understood because people here are going through the same thing i am so i know i'm not alone, thank you so much for creating this website--being single doesn't help as i have no one i can immediately lean on, and people have been treating me like i'm invisible (apparently if i can't be the way i was i'm of no use to some people) so it's hard to stay positive when i feel so alone--anyway thanks for the reminder that in spite of all that i am seeking treatment with good doctors and most probably will be able to find the solution, even if it takes some time, i'll try to keep that in mind when i'm feeling lost and scared--i hope everyone on this board can find some kind of hope in their darkest hours, i know how difficult it can be...

[mclaire66]

I feel as if slowly my life is being erased.

this brought tears to my eyes because that's exactly how i feel, when i think of how i was even six months ago, i don't even resemble that person now...

[liz56]

Thanks for your post, mclaire66. Your voice added to the rest of our voices really does help. I'm glad that you posted, and I hope that you find a resolution. In my case, the problem is on going, but this site has helped me to cope with it, and with some new, better habits, I just built in things that help me to do most of my ordinary activities.

--Liz

[mclaire66]

thanks liz, i'm glad you have found ways to cope, i know it's all about practice and experience and trial and error finding things that work for each of us, sometimes i get impatient but again someone on this board gave me some perspective when i read her post yesterday about her family member's (and her own) struggles with cancer, and other people on here with worse eye problems than i have who my heart goes out to because as bad as i feel i can't imagine what some of you are going through, i'm sorry my post above was so negative i'm just in a bad place lately, but it felt good to get it out in a place where people will listen and understand...

[Sabrina]

About feeling negative...

Nobody should feel bad about posting something they feel is negative emotion. We ALL have those days and thank goodness for this site as it seems the general population can't relate. It seems this is such a wide spread problem that I only wish there were actual support groups out there (not just online) that a person could attend. I could be on here all day reading people's stories. This is new for me (started about 4 months ago) It makes me feel less alone. Unfortunately the more I am on the computer the more my eyes bother me...

[regina]

how about a dating site...haha

Yes since having des...I also have stopped going out and have gained a few pounds. I am am an emotional eater. I miss my old life also. I dont want to go on dates without make up...wearing moisture chamber goggles. It would be one thing if someone was already in love with you...but to meet a complete stranger with all these issues is something I not quite willing to show.

So...a dating site...where men and woman will adore your new purple moisture goggles...and think they are sooo coool! Where bad days will be understood and if you just want to sit home wear a rice baggy all night..it will be okay. Or find someone where listening to a book on tape is just fine for a date instead of frying your eyes at a movie theatre...haha

It just a dream I have...

[odydnas]

Regina! What a great idea!! I can imagine just how difficult dating with DE can be. How funny and great would it be if DEZ had a subforum for dating!! I'll put in my vote for that.

And not just for dating, but for friendships too! That's a dream I have...friends that understand that even tho I'm in my 20's, I live like I'm in my 80's! Haha.

I really do wish there was a support group around me, instead of just online. But I guess severe life-altering dry eyes isn't very common.

[fellowresearcher]

Thank you Rebecca

Dear Dry eye sufferers

I know how you all feel with this dry eye, and the problems it creates in your lives. Why?

I have dry eyes too...Bad in fact

If you ever need a friend...Or someone to just cope with the stresses your going through...Let me know

Because it is better to face this demon with friends...than it is alone.

I would also love to thank Rebecca for this forum what you have done has been more helpful and beneficial to all those who suffer. Thank you so much.