What was I thinking?? What do I do now?

[Badidea]

Hello,
I am writing here because I have no one to talk to about this, and have been driving my family crazy with my emotional behavior since my Lasik surgery.
A little background - had thought about Lasik for years, but never had the nerve to do it. Been in glasses/contacts for about 30 years. Had asked my optometrist years ago if he'd do it - he said no (and I really trust him). Anyone else I asked about it was pleased with their results and recommended doing it. Against my better judgement, booked my consult and surgery dates. Even thought about going to see my eye doctor prior to these visits, but was worried he'd talk me out of it. Big mistake. I figured, I already have most of the side effects - dry eyes, halos at night - how could it be any worse? Day of surgery, I was so nervous and couldn't stop shaking I almost walked out before it was my turn. I'm still kicking myself about this.

I am now 2 weeks post surgery and am having a hard time accepting the decision I made to do this. My results are mixed - started out -5.5 and -6 with mild astigmatism; now have +20/60 in my dominant eye (which is driving me crazy) and 20/40 in other eye. Dominant eye has "residual astigmatism", which means more than before and letters are blurred. So it's hard to read a newpaper, book, etc, even with reading glasses unless I close that eye. I know I'm still early in the process and they'll talk of an enhancement months down the road, but I'm not sure I can go through it again.

My biggest problem with all this is that I didn't trust my gut feeling and this is now something I'll have to live with the rest of my life. What I've now researched online scares me to death. I purposely didn't do much research before or it would have scared me. I am someone who researches everything possible online, but didn't do this because I knew reading about the actual surgery would scare me. And to think that I'll have the rest of my life to freak out about this and worry about everything that could go wrong after the surgery.

It is a constant battle for me during the day to not be depressed or start crying (understand that I was never an overly emotional person before this). Trying to figure out how to accept what I have done and look forward and not back. I'm think I'm going to go see a psychologist next week, as I know I'm dealing with PTSD and depression plus who knows what else. I wake up every night with anxiety attacks, racing heart, sweating, etc. This is no way to be. I keep hoping I'll wake up and find out that this has all been a very bad dream.
**The icing on the cake for me is seeing my daughter in her glasses every morning and knowing I'd give just about anything to go back in time and put my glasses/contacts on again. I just tell her I love her and to not hate her glasses - it could be worse. And to think my worst problem was that my contacts really bugged me during allergy season!

So my question for those who have struggled through anything similar - how do you move on and accept what you have willingly done to yourself? How do you forgive yourself? I know that is important, but not sure how to get there. And how do you keep from sliding into despair every time you see someone in glasses? I have a long life ahead of me and I just can't continue to torment myself like this every day.
Thanks for any insight you may be able to provide.

[Hopeful2]

Hello Badidea,

It really saddens me when I hear another sorry lasik story . . . I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. I too has delayed getting lasik for many years. I did go and see my optometrist and she assured my that from what she could see, I was a 'good' lasik candidate.

First thing to remember is that you did not do this to yourself. You trusted a surgeon, who has sworn an oaf to 'do no harm'. It is impossible to research all of the information out there . . . and so easy to discount 'bad' outcomes as 'well that persone probably did not go to a good clinic' or 'maybe they had some eye issues to begin with' . . . So, you made the best decision that you could at that point in time. There is no way that you can second guess that decision. It doesn't work . . . No point in thinking 'if only I listened to my gut and ran out the door'. What you need to do now is forgive yourself. You do that by recognizing that you made a reasonable decision at the time . . .

Stop tormenting yourself, it gives you a false sense that you are somehow 'making up' for what happened to you. Do acknowledge your feelings. You are entitled to feel: fear, anger, regret, sad . . . You have gone through a traumatic experience. PTSD can be a very real disorder after lasik, and working with a social worker or psychologist who is skilled in this area can be really helpful.

What helps the healing . . . TIME. Be patient with yourself and your eyes. My vision is much better now than it was at two weeks post lasik. I still have issues with fluorescent lighting, but my eyes are no longer super dry. Corneal nerves are severed in refractive surgery and it takes some time for the nerves to reconnect. Everyone heals differently, but know that your eyes will improve.

Know that an enhancement will put you at even greater risk of developing long term dry eye. See an optometrist that you trust and get a prescription for some glasses. Seeing better, may help you to feel better.

Keep your eyes well lubricated with preservative free eye drops. Experiment with them till you find one that you like. Consider using an ointment for sleeping if your eyes get dry through the night (e.g. Lacrilube, Refresh PM, Genteal Gel).

Read through some of the triumph posts here. People do get better, but it doesn't happen all of a sudden. We heal one day at a time, moment by moment. Also, be gentle with yourself. Indulge in some activities that you enjoy. If you used to love reading, you might really enjoy listening to some audiobooks. Believe that your body and mind are capable of overcoming any trauma. . . with time. Ask for the support of family members and friends. Let people know what you are going through. . . I think you will find that people really do want to help, even if they have a hard time appreciating the discomfort that your are in.

Don't hesitate to ask a question on the forum . . . or to just vent . . . we sometimes need to do that too!

Remember, go moment by moment about your day.

Hopeful2

[SunshineinCalgary]

Badidea, Yes, stop tormenting yourself. I can't write long because I'm getting stinging in my left eye. I just want to say most people went through what you've went through, depression, anxiety, hopelessness, regret. These feelings are very true and don't deny your feelings, but two things may help: vent your feelings in the forum; and doing the right things like what Hopeful said, Keep your eyes well lubricated with preservative free eye drops. Things will slowly improve. THEY WILL !!!

[Rebecca Petris]

Hello and welcome.

Poor outcome does not mean poor decision. Like the others said you have to school yourself out of that thinking because it's harmful.

Dominant eye has "residual astigmatism", which means more than before

I'm going to nitpick on a terminology point. Might sound trivial, but I hate euphemisms especially after LASIK.

If you have more astigmatism than you had before surgery, and/or if it is on a different axis, that astigmatism (I'll call it cyl for short, i.e. cylinder) is INDUCED ASTIGMATISM. Meaning, it was caused by the surgery, as opposed to the laser simply failing to correct cyl that was already there.

"Residual astigmatism" means astigmatism which is left over, i.e. uncorrected by the procedure.

Sorry for the soapbox - but I have heard so many things brushed aside by laser surgeons as 'residual astigmatism' including irregular astigmatism (which reduces best-corrected acuity) and it really annoys the heck out of me. Spade = spade.

Speaking of best-corrected acuity, what is yours. I think the numbers you've given are how you see without glasses right now but what's your actual refraction i.e. the prescription you need to get your best vision, and what is your best vision with lenses? If you don't know, find out at your next appointment.

I know I'm still early in the process and they'll talk of an enhancement months down the road, but I'm not sure I can go through it again.

Don't even think about crossing that bridge in your imagination right now. Right now is time to put on the brakes, heal, and find crutches to cope with the short-term issues.

My biggest problem with all this is that I didn't trust my gut feeling and this is now something I'll have to live with the rest of my life.

Mustn't go there. Really mustn't.

For years I thought laser surgery would never be safe enough for me... Then I got talked into it by a credulous OD and clever MD. And had my vision permanently damaged and got painful dry eyes etc etc. But you know, that decision doesn't mean I'm stupid and the outcome certainly didn't mar the rest of my life. Made things hard for awhile. Looking back though I have no regrets because it actually sent me down a different path in life that I am very happy with.

What I've now researched online scares me to death.

DON'T READ THAT CRAP!!!!

Print those four words out and tape them across your computer screen so you won't be tempted. I'm serious!

There's a lot of scaremongering junk out there about LASIK complications that is absolutely harmful to people who are experiencing 'issues'. Some of it will make you think that for every little problem you have now, fifteen more are lurking around the corner waiting to pounce. Ain't happening.

I'm think I'm going to go see a psychologist next week

Good. Lotsa people wait months or years. It's great that you're acknowledging the impact and are reaching out for help.

So my question for those who have struggled through anything similar - how do you move on and accept...

Slowwwwly. Give yourself time. Be kind to yourself.

what you have willingly done to yourself? How do you forgive yourself?

What did you do that requires forgiveness?

This optometrist who told you s/he wouldn't do it... was that just because they were generally leery of the possible risks? Or did they have specific concerns about YOU - that you had risk factors which could complicate healing or raise the likelihood of a poor outcome? Were you ever advised by anyone that you had significant risk factors for a poor outcome or poor healing? Did any doctor turn you down for surgery on such a basis? If you got specific advice against getting it, and you got really stubborn and went and sought out a doctor who was willing to laser you anyway, OK, yes, you've got some forgiveness issues to address. Otherwise that question's just not relevant to your situation.

I have a long life ahead of me and I just can't continue to torment myself like this every day.

You won't, don't worry. It may take time and it will definitely take effort - both in being kind to yourself and exercising some discipline as regards what you read, and where you let your thoughts run to. Sometimes distraction tactics are really good

Hang in there. But get back to us about your vision... enquiring minds want to know

[Badidea]

Many thanks to Hopeful and Rebecca for your encouraging words. You have no idea how helpful they have been and how often I've repeatedly read through them already. I finally managed to have a decent nights sleep last night (woke up only once and not too panicked). I also confessed my current emotional state to my parents, who I know are interested and concerned, but I didn't want to worry them. I think that may have helped in getting a good nights sleep some.

To reply to a few of your questions/suggestions - yes, I was a huge reader. Worked at the library and am trying out audiobooks, but don't really like them. That is a great suggestion, though, and I may try to find some in large print in the meantime.

All indications would have been that I was a good candidate, but seeing how I always like to be in control of situations and plan ahead for everything, maybe psychologically I may have not been the best. My regular optometrist I completely trust, and his concern was that the side effects down the road are not completely known for his comfort level. I am not much of a gambler at anything, so I'm still surprised that I thought that I'd be ok taking a chance like this. I have already spoken with my regular optometrist and he calmed me down a bit and said we'd do a full exam in another month or so and see where I'm at. I am really glad I do have him to consult, as I know he's always had my best interests at heart, even if I've chosen not to listen to some of his advice.

I have already found that the preservative-free drops work pretty well for me. Just a bit inconvenient to deal with all the vials, but I'll do it if it works better. Going to a psychologist on Wednesday also.

As for my vision, my right eye isn't bad. It definitely fluctuates, but I can live with where it's at. Reading glasses are helpful for that eye. My left/dominant eye is the one that is causing me grief. Reading glasses do nothing, as the overcorrection and astigmatism are something completely new.

You asked about my best-corrected acuity - do you mean before or now? My vision before was pretty straightforward. Left eye -6.50 -.25 astigmatism; right eye -5.75 -.25 astigmatism. I usually wore contacts and did not correct for the astigmatism because I didn't like those lenses. I only corrected for it in my glasses.
I do not know my current best-corrected acuity - I had to ask where my eyes tested at at the one week visit and only got them to say "a bit overcorrected with residual astigmatism". I got that the left eye was 20/60 or probably around +1.50 and the right was 20/40 or maybe +.50. It's the astigmatism that I don't know about. As I didn't have much before, it's definitely induced and I don't know how bad. I would assume they corrected for the wrong axis, as I can't quite see anything clearly, either with readers or during the refraction test. So I'm not sure it will actually be something that a new pair of glasses will be able to address. Maybe I'll have to look into whether it's possible to retrain your dominant eye. Who knows.

I received a message from a friend today that detailed his recent scary experience going through stroke symptoms and how it made him appreciate that what he wants more than anything is more time. Time with his family and time to appreciate each day for what it is. "Decide you are going to be happy and not let the bad situations in life take over your worries." The timing of his message was amazing and I'm really trying to cope with this one day at a time and just keep myself busy. Incredibly hard not to think of my eyes constantly all day long, since it is how we see our world, but I'm trying to do my best to distract myself at the moment.

Thanks again for all the encouragement and kind words.

[peter56]

Hi Badidea,
you are in the early post lasik phase and that means there are still many therapeutical options for you!
If the refraction - vision in you eyes will not improve within the next few months,
then there are available angle and iris fixated intraocular lenses, corneal ring segments etc.

But most important is treating the post-lasik dry eye!
Since CyA-Tacrolimus topical drugs are not available in the USA,
you should ask your doctor for a good steroid ointment and Restasis.
Please apply a gel like Systane-gel every 20 min and a longer lasting ointment like Duratears for the nights. You may also try Systane-Balance and Retain-MGD drops during day time.
It is most important, that your eyelids - lid margins don`t rub over the ocular surface-cornea.
This rubbing does induce mechanical irritations and causing severe inflammations.

If you do have pain, you may wear protective contact lenses for a few days or even weeks.
If your eyes do tolerate Contact lenses and you can handle CL well, then you should apply the Ciba Total1 - dailies.
Also well suited are the Safi - Safigel - hyaluronate daily CL.
High DK - oxygen permeability and low water content.
The best 1 months lens is the Ciba Air-Optix Night&Day.
The CL should prevent the mechanical irritations of your corneas and the corneal nerves will heal better.
LASIK does damage the nerves in the corneal stroma.
It can take up to 2 years for the regeneration of these nerves and some will never heal.

[Sammy B.]

Badidea,

I second what Rebecca said, stop Googling LASIK stuff. I did incessantly and it became a bonafide obsession of mine. I really think it racheted my level of anxiety waaaaayyy up from where it normally would have been. Remember, the internet can be good but it can also be bad.

I think what you have to remember is that odds were and still are in your favor that your "forever outcome" won't be what you're dealing with today.

Before you get too deep into the hole, see a doctor for something that can help the daily anxiety and that can help you to sleep. Trust me, I waited too long.

And every person has their own way of giving up the guilt. You'll find the way.

Rose