I can't do this anymore

[jax8it]

I am almost six months post lasik. I am a teacher on summer break. I am quad plugged, on lotamax for giant papilary conjuctivitis, Restasis 2x/day, use moisture goggles all day, and OTC drops 3 or 4 times a day. I get out of the house maybe three times a week to venture in the high AC of Texas buildings w/o goggles for at the most two hours. That is all my eyes can take. I had to take my son to the doctor yesterday because he was sick. I went w/o my goggles thinking I would be ok. In the exam room waiting for the doctor, the lights in the room were killing my eyes. By the time the doctor came to exam him I could barely keep my eyes open nor make eye contact with the doctor. This has really set me back mentally. I don't think I can handle this anymore. It is just never ending. I don't want to live like this anymore. I am seeing a counselor and saw a psychiatrist once. The irony of the psychiatrist is he had lasik with the same doc about the same time as me and is fine. I don't think he understood anything I told him. I am on lexapro for depression, anti anxiety meds and sleep meds. I wake up every morning with anxiety thinking I have to endure another day with this. I don't know if I can do it anymore. I really do not want to live anymore, but I know the cost it would do to my family. I am at the breaking point.

[DCRdryeye]

I've been there jax8it and it's a horrible place. You venture out without your moisture chamber goggles (perhaps believing your eyes can handle it) and your expectations are squashed with pain. It's a vicious cycle of wanting, hoping, expecting it will all be gone like a bad dream and the eyes will be normal again. Then reality sets in with pain and discomfort...and then we react with emotion. Our thoughts and focus become fixated on nothing but our eyes which actually makes them worse. It gets to a point of becoming an obsession (that we'd rather not have).
I would suggest you don't go anywhere without your moisture chambers. I know that I can't, and I take them wherever I go. I could not sit in a doctors waiting room without my moisture chambers nor EVER enter an air-conditioned room anywhere unless they are on.
You may want to review whether Lexapro is working for you. I take Luvox (fluvoxamine) which not only reduces depression but has another effect of stopping obsessive thinking. When I first took it, I found I was not thinking about my eyes at all. I stopped regretting the surgery, stopped guilt tripping myself, etc. It was a HUGE relief and I was able to get on with my life 'despite' the dry eyes. I simply did what I had to do...use moisture chambers, use drops, get on with the day and look forward to achieving my life's goals once again.

[jax8it]

DCR,
Thank you so much for your reply. It means so much to me. Yes, I think you are right about obsessing about my eyes. I think about them all day long. I have always had a sort of obsessive behavior, nothing ritualistic. I just can't stop thinking about how this has changed my life dramatically. It has almost been six months and I can't get over it. Well, my eyes won't let me forget either. One of my worries is returning to work and having to wear my moisture chambers in front of about 130 different high school students. I don't know how I am going to handle it, but the pain without them is too much to bear. The anxiety is killing me. I just want my old life back.

[vivian3090]

Jax8it I am on a phone so I can't write a novel like I want, but know I am here for you. my problem is more of a physical appearance problem. I'm so self.conscious about the redness in one part of my eye. I feel its noticeable and that it looks horrible.its become an obsession for me. I constantly look at my eyes. I constantly worry about them. I wish I could be fine with what I'm going through, but I'm not. I Know I can't fully understand what
you are going through,but just don't give up. I'm keep telling myself that.

And to dcrdryeye. Than you for sharing about the med you are on. I mY need to bring that up with my doctor and maybe it will work for me. Cuz regular depression meds is not helping

[littlemermaid]

Jax8it, does the ophthalmologist know which drops are causing the allergic giant papillary conjunctivitis reaction?

[LaDiva]

jax, hang in there. The kids won't care. If you are a cool dude or dudette, your goggles will be cool too! I know what you mean though. It is the initial act of jumping into the water. Tell the kids you are preparing for the great flood, you've been welding, it's the latest thing, you are flying your plane to Vegas after school, training for RAGBRAI... whatever tickles them and you too. Really sorry you are having such a tough time. Believe me, I do understand. One of the best teachers I have seen was blind. You would think the kids took advantage of her, but she was such a dear person and so connected to the kids, that the students could never do enough for her, even the goofy ones. Also, when you are with the kids, everything else disappears and there is a new focus and other business at hand. Just know you have lots of company out here, and take good care.

[indrep]

Look into the moisture release eyewear from eyeeco. Little sponges hold water that evaporates around the eyes throughout the day. They are not very expensive and look fashionable enough.

[kanon]

Hi! I hate to hear of anybody having such a hard time...please hang in there! My left eye is still killing me, and yes, all I do is think about it and do research on it. I keep it closed and blink a lot at people and hide my eyes behind wrap around glasses. I totally understand about not being able to make eye contact with people. When I make eye contact, it is with ONE eye. And I have the other one closed. I'm getting a little better about not being worried about what other people think of me and my one opened eye. But yes, I can understand the horror of having to face a bunch of high schoolers! The way I see it, is if you are strong and act the right way about it, they could learn a big life lesson from you about perseverance, about strength, about being comfortable with who you are etc. All people, at some point in their life, some more than others unfortunately, have really rough challenges and they could learn something from you. But Ugh! I know that is easier said than done! And I know how HARD it would be to even continue working with the pain you have. Did you ever have dry eye before the Lasik? You have done a lot to help yourself, but remember there are other things you haven't tried.... The biggest thing to hold on to is the fact that so many people who got this from Lasik get so much better....it just might take a little longer. It WILL get better. Hang in there! My left eye is really hurting, got to get off the computer!

[Rebecca Petris]

One of our members in years past (probably hasn't been here in several years) is a university professor, now a dean. She had a very, very unusually severe case of post LASIK dry eye and pain. The only thing that helped was goggles. Bit the bullet and put on Wiley-X foam-lined sunglasses 24/7 - classrooms, meetings, you name it. Just decided everybody else would have to deal with it. And they did. Have confidence that you are doing what is the best, most healthy thing for you... it's really important.

I'm so sorry you're in that dreaded place. I wish I knew what to say. Just have to echo the others... one day at a time. It really, really does get better. Six months is early. Call me anytime on a weekday morning if you need someone to talk to. You might also consider finding a local Sjogrens support group and seeing if they are open to dry eye patients who don't have Sjogrens (many are)... might be a little daunting at first because of course they are people with chronic dry eye while yours is surgically induced and therefore far more likely to improve dramatically, but... it's really helpful to be in a roomful of people who understand what bad dry eye is like and who may be familiar with and used to a lot of the practical gizmos that we use to get through the day comfortably.

[vivian3090]

The biggest thing to hold on to is the fact that so many people who got this from Lasik get so much better....it just might take a little longer. It WILL get better.

I know this wasn't meant for me but I'm hoping that will be the case for me. It's just so frustrating, it seems things have gotten worse as the months of lasik have gone by (Im about 4 months post lasik) and I've had to used eye drops more than I had to when I first got it, and my left eye is worse than my right. Its so embarressing and I just want it to get better now! Everyone tells me that I need to just be patient and my opthamologist tells me there is no such thing as "eyes getting worse becuase of lasik" I don't believe that I think he just wants to avoid it. I dunno :/ It just embarrassing to have one eye worse than the other :/

[Rebecca Petris]

my opthamologist tells me there is no such thing as "eyes getting worse becuase of lasik"

Was he talking about dry eye specifically? If so, dump him, and fast! (I do not say that lightly!) I'm sorry but there are no euphemisms sufficient to change that from anything but a bald-faced lie. Even the paperwork you signed before your surgery contradicts that statement, let alone 15 years worth of medical studies.

I have one eye worse than the left too. It's pretty common, even (or do I mean especially?) with LASIK.

I always feel so bad for people in that dreaded window... you're far enough along that it FEELS like you ought to be getting better not worse, but you're not nearly far enough along to have any accurate perspective on the timing (that you're really quite early on, and it may continue to feel like it's getting worse or bouncing all over the place for awhile before the inevitable getting better part starts). I'm sorry! Hang in there. Keep replaying that "it will get better" broken record!

[vivian3090]

Was he talking about dry eye specifically? If so, dump him, and fast! (I do not say that lightly!) I'm sorry but there are no euphemisms sufficient to change that from anything but a bald-faced lie. Even the paperwork you signed before your surgery contradicts that statement, let alone 15 years worth of medical studies.

I have one eye worse than the left too. It's pretty common, even (or do I mean especially?) with LASIK.

I always feel so bad for people in that dreaded window... you're far enough along that it FEELS like you ought to be getting better not worse, but you're not nearly far enough along to have any accurate perspective on the timing (that you're really quite early on, and it may continue to feel like it's getting worse or bouncing all over the place for awhile before the inevitable getting better part starts). I'm sorry! Hang in there. Keep replaying that "it will get better" broken record!

Although this isn't verbatim to what he said: I told him that i've been needing to put in eye drops more (now it is around every 15 mins when it used to be like 30 45 mins) and I expressed that I feel my eyes have gotten worse because of my needing to put in drops. And he told me that they wouldn't get worse b/c of Lasik, they shouldnt get worse, they should get better. and incinuated that there was something else causing it , but it wouldnt be b/c of lasik. He says my eyes look fine and that he sees no problem.

I honestly wanted to go "ok if its not because of lasik, then what the heck is it?!" It feels like they don't want to try to help me.

I'm supposed to see my cornea specialist July 19th. (He also told me I have bleph, which I don't think I have??) So hopefully I will hear some ok news and see if my tear film has gotten better, he told me the left eye tear's film was a bit "out of whack". I'm just frustrated with this whole situation.

[jax8it]

Thank you so much for your replies and words of encouragement. It has been a rough couple of days for me. I have been doing anything I can think of to try and help my eyes to heal. I went last week to see the ODs at the lasik clinic to check my Gpc and ocular pressure because of the steroid drops. The doc said my tear film was the best he has seen it. Here I am thinking I am on the right track and then to experience the pain again was a huge mental setback. I don't know what to do now.

@ littlemermaid I am wondering what caused the Gpc. Is it a drop I am using or did I have it prior to LASIK. The LASIK ODs did not say anything about a drop causing it. But I am suspecting maybe it is something I am using. It has gotten better. It do not feel the bumps nor the stinging. I have also added Pataday to my regimen, but only for short use.
Thank you all again for the support.

[littlemermaid]

Jax8it and Vivian, Are you just seeing ODs at the Lasik place? The cornea specalist ophthalmologist would have more skill and experience with healing and drops you're not so sensitive to. Some of the eg cataract guys are very good at healing after surgery and develop their own ideas about what to do. I like a nice teaching hospital team with ongoing research and access to hospital pharmacy, if you can access this. Hope it goes well on the 19th, Vivian.

[robster]

In my experience it's also worth remembering that your LASIK doc is not going to be as impartial as an independent eye doc. If your LASIK doc has given you something that has caused the reaction he could be hesitant to admit it. I ditched my so called LASIK companies "experts" after they swore blind that preservative drops were better than preservative free drops!!!

Some of these LASIK docs truly have no shame.