How do you deal with complainers?

[odydnas]

I need some advice. Like many of you, my eyes have had a HUGE impact on my life...sometimes I feel like they've ruined my life even. I lost my career, my social life, my freedom and independence, and I spend a lot of my time just sitting around at home. I practically never complain to friends or family about my new "lifestyle", except sometimes when I'm trying to explain why I cannot do things with them, like see a movie or go on a trip. One thing that KILLS me is when friends or family complain about things to me that I wish I could complain about.

For example, the other day, a friend had the flu and was home sick for about a week. During our conversation, she complained about being "quarantined" FIVE times..she actually used that word...and how horrible it is that she is homebound and can't leave the house and how lonely she is stuck at home. I was pretty supportive until about the fifth time she said it, and I got so irritated that I just had to end the conversation. Never mind that I also had the flu!!! Never mind that I've been "quarantined" for over 2 years. I'm not a snappy person, so I don't snap back or reallly say anything...and I just let the person say their piece and I try to change the subject. It is difficult when they keep going back to it though. How do you all deal with it? Do you say anything as to how insenstive that person is being or do you jsut let the person continue? I find it hurtful and insensitive that a friend would complain about something so miniscule to me, given my situation. It's like complaining about a sprained ankle to a person w/ no legs! Come on now!

I wish I could complain about traffic, about being "sick", about studying for exams, about having to go to work on a Saturday, all these silly things that I wish I could complain about!!!!!!!!! I have no problem when people complain about REAL problems like medical issues, financial issues, relationship issues, etc. It's just these stupid little complaints that people make a big deal of that get to me. I think that a lot has to do w/ my friends being in their twenties....twenty-something year olds aren't exactly known for being empathetic and thoughtful of others...but still.

Please advise!!! Thanks!

Edit: I do realize the irony of my post ---- a complaint about complainers. =) But I just couldn't help myself...=P

[Moonraker]

As you suggest, many people complain about minor issues because they haven't got more serious problems to occupy them.

A few years ago I, an only child, was preoccupied with my parents' failing health; whilst Dad was in hospital for several months Mum needed to be persuaded in to a nursing home. During this period, I discovered some shoddy work had been done my house and my car broke down twice; normally these incidents would have caused me to moan a lot, but within the bigger picture they were insignificant.

In Britain we've had several falls of snow that were heavier than usual. An annoying aspect were the whingers who complained that the stretch of road or pavement that they wanted to use had not been gritted or cleared. (If rather more than four per cent of householders in my neighborhood had bothered to clear the pavements outside their homes, pedestrians would have had a far easier and safer time.) And, oh dear, their dustbins hadn't been emptied for a week. (Perhaps in the light of what's happening in Haiti they're now realising their pettiness.)

On the train on Friday I had to listen three times to a girl telling friends on her mobile how her ticket had been rejected by the machine at the platform entrance.

But I'm at it now: using this Forum to whinge about petty irritations that don't matter in the overall scheme of things!

It's part of human nature, I guess. Another Forum to which I belong has an off-topic Rant section where we can moan about such irritations. One guy often mentions his encounters with wheeled suitcases and irksome fellow commuters; anti-social cyclists also feature. I use it occasionally to let off steam.

[irish eyes]

Odydnas

I wish I could advise you on this one but I can't. (You know of course that I'm with you all the way though).

For my own sake, I try to keep a sunny disposition but I do flag under the constant pressure of the evil eyes. It’s like a huge weight on my shoulders as, day in, day out I plod on, trying not to be negative.

I had this with a work colleague who latched on to me for some reason. ( think I tend to attract them) She had relationship problems at the time so I tried to be understanding. It got to a point then when every conversation was dominated by job dissatisfaction, her weight, her family - just about all aspects of her life. Her demands outweighed the resources I had to offer - but she just didn't pick up on it.

When I tried to explain that my eyes were causing me more problems than usual - her complaining became worse. She may have meant well but her conversation turned to one of whose misery was the worst. She claimed to have eye problems herself then - so we could be miserable together. Didn't we have a lot in common. Oh boy, I didn't need this.

It's easier said than done but I now tend to use a `problem-solving' approach (that I actually use in my job) It focuses on what's to be done to make things better - I know I now come across as a bit more abrupt than I used to be but it discourages the person to go on complaining and I don't get that angry feeling inside. It's better all round.

I suppose we all complain to a degree - !

[rhad]

Odydnas,

I see what you mean...To us these things seem silly, or not as important..cause suffering day in and day out, is a lot harder than for a short time. People don't understand how good they have life with the minor problems, because they have not experienced worse things than those.

they can't fully comprehend how much harder life could be for them, because they haven't experienced chronic everyday pain. when you are well after a flu or any acute illness, you appreciate the feeling of being well afterwards because you have experienced the pain and ill feeling while being sick. you have to feel the pain to appreciate good health and wellness..

they just haven't experienced as much pain yet. just like I wouldn't be able to understand how good it is to be able to walk from the perspective of someone in a wheel chair. to me it's normal and I don't appreciate and value it as much as someone in a wheel chair would...

rhad

[Guest]

Odydnas,

For me, it depends on who is doing the complaining...

It's the acquaintances who tend to get under my skin... they don't mean to... in fact, I am sure that they are completely unaware of it...

I think most people just can't relate to our dry eye problems at all... they just cannot even begin to comprehend its effects on us, so it doesn't occur to them how we'll feel hearing about their complaints..

That being said, it should be pretty obvious that perhaps it would not be particularly sensitive to complain to YOU about being quarantined for only a week or so! I mean honestly... geez... you've been at home for 2 years!! That one boggles my mind!

I loved your analogy of it being like complaining about a sprained ankle to someone with no legs! That was perfect!

As for advice, well,... I don't have much there

If you have a couple of friends who you can confide in completely about your eye problems, that should help... I find that the 2 girlfriends of mine who know EVERYTHING about my crazy eyes are the most sensitive about these things... Other friends who I'm not as close to don't know all the details, so all I can do is try to ignore it if their complaints get under my skin... so... no great advice in that

Irish Eyes,

Isn't it the WORST when you get stuck in a conversation rut where it turns into some kind of unspoken contest to see who has it worse?? I now try to just let them "win" as that ends up being the least frustrating route...

Anyhow, once again, I am reminded of how fantastic it is to have these forums where people can totally relate to our crazy eye problems...

/sigh... I don't think it's anyone's intention to drive us crazy... they're just lucky to be oblivious to just how bad things can get...

[Moonraker]

I'm something of a literalist and pedant, so if someone asks me how I am, I'm tempted to give a one-sentence summary of my state of well-being, or lack of it. Luckily in the past two years things have been good, so I can honestly respond with "great".

A few people - sometimes relative strangers - have asked me why I look sad or stern, the result of the surgical removal of an acoustic neuroma, other side effects of which were deafness and my dry eye. I very briefly describe the operation and sometimes, in an attempt to be self-deprecating, mention the effects weren't as bad as those of a neighbour who had the same condition. That's probably enough for most enquirers!

I do volunteer the fact that I'm deaf in one ear if I'm appearing particularly dense and occasionally remind other volunteers working on environmental projects. If a tree is about to be felled, it's customary to warn anyone within range, and I usually rotate 300 degrees before sussing out from which direction the warning comes!


Moonraker