I am planning to die

[ACN]

I have had DE for 10 years and have managed it with soft contact lenses, plugs and drops. In Septemer 2009 I got an infection in one eye, then a recurrent erosion in the other, was given lacrilube which made it so much worse and I am now in a deep, dark hole. I am ony 29, a primary school teacher with a house and a husband and have been off work since due to the pain and of course the emotional devastation that comes with it. I am being phased back in to work this week and have only done a morning and the pain was unbearable. I know I won't be able to keep it up and so will lose my career, house and probably my husband as he is buckling under the strain of my depression and what my eyes mean to our future - no sports together, no living abroad, no holidays. I have never posted on here before but I don't know what else to do. I have bought the rope and am planning to end my life as I just don't see another way.

I am a normal, intelligent girl, who wants to go out, work and live but spent my school holidays last week going to concerts that were booked before this happened with my eyes closed just waiting to get home and go to bed where I get 3 hours of relief before the pain wakes me up. I can't live like this and can't accept that it has happened. My doctor has suggested antidepressants but I have taken them in the past for nerve related pain relief and they made my eyes worse.

I know there is nothing can be done. I have tried sclerals with no luck, and have been given cyclosporine by moorfields but am too scared to try it incase it makes things worse. I am using clinitas soothe. Is there a better eye drop or gel for night time in the UK that would make the pain slightly more bearable? I am in the process of ordering some goggles but can't wear them in work. I am absolutely traumatised and cannot believe it has come to this. We should be planning holidays and children. I am grieving the life I should have known.

I am devastated by what this will do to my parents and brother but feel as though I have no choice. I don't know why I am posting on here. I feel as though I am too young for this. Is there another way?

[20/20_Hindsight]

Dear ACN,
Please don't do anything like end your life. There are others here who have been at that stage but pressed on. You are not alone. Reach out to those here, as they all struggle with the same daily pain and limited activities that you do, so they can really understand. Foam lined goggles can be your best friend when you are that miserable. I live in them pretty much 24/7. It has allowed me to do things I couldn't do before.
It is good that you posted here, even though you don't know why you did - but you did because there are others here that understand your anguish and you're looking for a lifeline right now. You found one!
Please stick around and read posts. It's okay to vent your frustration here, let it out, and heal. Let us know how you are doing. One day at a time (or one minute at at time if that is all you can handle). Get some foam-lined goggles.

[Rebecca Petris]

ACN,

Could you email me a phone number and a good time to call you? I am glad you posted and I want to help in any way possible. I am SURE there is still hope for you. I have seen it time and time again with people who thought they had exhausted the possibilities. This does not have to ruin your life.

[ding]

been there

I want you to know I have been at the point you are at and this forum helped me get better rebecca helped me more than she knows. I know it is hard but you must hang in there. it took me a long time to get better and look back at how close I came to suicide I can thank rebecca and others on this board and some understanding doctors for getting me thru. hang in there. ding

[mary kenny badami]

Dear ACN,

PLEASE trust all of the previous posters.
PLEASE call Rebecca or give your number right away, and allow her to call you.

Actually, there are likely many other ways for you to get better, as well as an extraordinary number of possibilities for long-term healing.

This website is a good place to find people who understand emotional devastation -- as well as to suggest and locate a variety of ways to manage chronic and severe dry eye problems.

[Michael2]

it is always a very sensitive subject for me when i hear someone say this cause I know I've been in the same position, and I'm younger than you

as someone with a near suicide experience I'll tell you that you dont really want to die. suicide is the most most most most horrible thing in the world, and the second after you commit to an act that you think will bring you 'relief,' you will immediately (and i mean within seconds) regret that decision. there are no second chances with this, death is permanent. do not let your brain convince you that death brings relief, it just brings an eternity of nothingness

[odydnas]

I've been there. Many of us have been there. You're not alone. This website and the people here have helped me so much, both in finding out new treatments, and dealing with the emotional devastation. Hang in there.

There IS another way and there ARE options.

[spmcc]

I read your post and just started crying (thanks for the tears ). I was diagnosed in 1996 and I go through cycles where I am at your point. We all understand your pain... but things can get better. Don't lose hope. Please.

[Guest]

I can relate to how you feel... having severe dry eye is devastating in so many ways.

But there is hope... even though you feel hopeless now, it doesn't mean you will feel this way always... it will get better... this is a rough patch, but you will get through this, and come out that much stronger for it.

I'm close in age to you (I'm 33), and I know how it sucks to have something so life-altering hit you when you need to be able to work, and are supposed to be young enough to enjoy life to the fullest...

But, you WILL find a way to make life worth living... you really will! Posting here is one of the best things you could have done - we can totally relate to how you feel, because we're all going through it too... we'll help you any way we can!

You mentioned that you ordered goggles, but can't wear them at work... Have you considered MEGS? http://www.seefit.net/

I just ordered a pair for myself, and they are a decent option for wearing in public... even at work... I was pleasantly surprised when I received my pair in the mail a few days ago!

I don't think you can order them internationally via their on-line ordering system, but if you e-mail them, perhaps something could be arranged? Their rep may take a while to get back to you, but once she does, she'll be able to answer any questions you have.

Also, while I totally understand the fear of trying Restasis, especially the fear of it making an already bad situation even worse, what if it can help you? You'll never know unless you try... To minimize any burning and irritation with mine, I put it in the fridge for 30 minutes before using it. Also, I've found it helpful to use cold compresses for 10-20 minutes after using the Restasis.

Sending hugs your way...

Sheralyn

[Shell]

ACN... I have sent you a private message...please check your rop

mail here...

Hugs, Shell

Ps... I will say a prayer for you tonight.

[Shell]

ACN re a soothing drop...

Have you tried Theratears Nighttime Gel (Preservative-free drops)? I could send you three or four to see if they would bring you some relief.

If they work well for you they can be ordered here in the UK from Matheson Optometrists in Alresford...

LMK. Hugs, Shell

[spmcc]

I really like artelac SDU. They are not available by Rx or OTC in Canada (where I am) or the US (where I do a lot of shopping!). But they are available in the UK... but the prices are lower in Ireland. I actually have people that I send over your way to get me artelac. Have you tried them?

[cristiandryeyes]

I can completely understand you ACN but think you have a family. If you really need a motivation to carry on with your life then don't do it for you, do it for them...just hold on until the storm passes...nothing lasts forever. I promise I will pray for you.

[littlemermaid]

Our warmest concern for your feelings. Primary schools are tough and wonderful - I've never worked anywhere else where people ask so much of themselves and give so much. We parents are deeply grateful to teachers and hate to see them suffering because of the 'system'. I feel strongly that you mustn't worry about your career because there are future flexible options to enjoy when you're ready, including as a specialist working for county. What a god-send you would be. I know it's hard to leave the rat run for a bit but isn't now the time for family (and teachers' union) to give you a break?

[willwork4tears]

Also, while I totally understand the fear of trying Restasis, especially the fear of it making an already bad situation even worse, what if it can help you? You'll never know unless you try... To minimize any burning and irritation with mine, I put it in the fridge for 30 minutes before using it. Also, I've found it helpful to use cold compresses for 10-20 minutes after using the Restasis.

A lot of people have suggested "prepping" the eye with a steroid or NSAID drop 15 minutes prior to instilling the Restasis. This seems to decrease the pain/stinging/burning some people have from the Restasis. Chilling the drops as SAAG recommended is also a good suggestion. Doesn't that just sound soothing?

ACN, You are not alone. I'm sure there are dozens if not hundreds of people here who feel like Rebecca and the Dry Eye Zone community have "saved" their lives. Whether this be to avert a total loss of life, to save some sanity or to save a little pleasure or normalcy, we are continually grateful. Reach out to the community and make some friends - you can find the support system you need right here.