How not to become isolated?

[Roderick]

There is a forum for this, but I reckon it only has very little traffic.

My job has me work from my appartment, and with the dry eyes that makes me feel a lot of constant pain that progressively got worse ever since the warmer spring temperatures started, I discovered I simply grew more and more introspected.

I have absolutely no family where I live. I go back to my hometown once in a while but generally they're too busy to spend time with me. I have a few friends where I live, but we only see each other once every two weeks, the other times everyone is too busy. Apart from that I only get to speak to store clerks anymore.

I want to get out there, but I have severe limitations. For example, I can't pick anything that involves watching video. Yesterday I grew fed up of my avoidance of video and decided to play Alan Wake on my HDTV to change my mind, for only one hour. And it still hurts because of that. I don't want to be put in contexts where I'd have to shield my eyes or explain why I can't bear this or that. I have a hard time with sports, because I found that it puts strain on my eyelids and it's imply too much to bear. The other day just hitting a few golf balls was incredibly hurtful.

As my upper eyelids are really sore, I'm beginning to have an increasingly harder time to stare ahead.

I looked at volunteering but I found nothing. I looked for groups of any kind, same thing. There is a website dedicated to activities in my hometown, and they all involve standing anonymously in a crowd while not getting to interact with anyone. There pretty much is nothing where I live for young adults. When I stay on my own I can't help but focus on my eyelids all day, and it's getting unhealthy. At least I don't seem to be too fazed by air conditioning, and my eyes look normal.

I'm at a loss to find new ways to meet people and break this soul-crushing atmosphere.

[Guest]

I don't want to be put in contexts where I'd have to shield my eyes or explain why I can't bear this or that...

That, my friend, is the hardest part. BUT, if you are ever to be able to get out and partake in somewhat normal activities, you have to get over this. Seriously... NOT getting over this is not an option. You only get one life...so go live it... if you have to wear goggles to do so, then so be it.

Our society is stupidly obsessed with appearances... don't let THAT stop you from doing what you need to do to protect your eyes and enjoy life.

The other day I saw a customer at work who had half his face scarred and purplish-red...yet he was out... no doubt he gets a lot of curious stares and questions too... but at least he's out there.

At least the things we wear look less conspicuous than that... it could be worse...

Can you afford to purchase a pair of Wiley's? They really and truly look mostly normal, and let me do all kinds of things that I could never do without them.

If you require prescription lenses and the Wiley's cannot accommodate that, then get a pair or 7-eys (aka Panoptx)... This should be priority-one for you if NOT using eye protection is preventing you from doing stuff.

Last summer my eyes were so bad that I couldn't even watch a movie... even reading the newspaper wasn't doable. I could only listen to TV with a cold compress over my eyes every evening. I had to wear goggles everywhere, as without them, I would have had to stay home 24/7. Needless to say, this forum was a lifesaver for me... there's nothing better than to have support from people who know exactly how you feel because they have gone through it too...

Things have improved a lot now... I still wear goggles 24/7 for the most part, but I can do more normal things... I can watch TV... I can read the newspaper... artificial tears work for me once again, and allow me to tolerate even windy days (still with my Wiley's of course!).

Regarding everyone being busy... I've come to the conclusion that I can't depend on other people to make me feel happy or not lonely... I have to find ways to do this for myself... same goes for you... (besides, it's shouldn't be anyone's responsibility but our own to make us happy, right?) ...get a pair or Wiley's or something similar... it will let you get out more.. that alone will help you feel less isolated. And there's nothing wrong with taking some pleasure out of a conversation with a store clerk either... I'm home with 2 toddlers all day... so I'll take any source of conversation I can get lol... even with store clerks

Do you like animals? Maybe you could get a pet... there are tons of options... having an animal around can do wonders for loneliness... plus having someone else to take care of gets one's mind off one's own problems for a while...

When I'm having a bad day, and feeling really down, I find the articles on depression at "ButYouDontLookSick.com" to be very helpful... they don't have any articles specifically on dealing with dry eyes, but a lot of the articles on coping with chronic illness etc are also applicable to someone in our situation... if you google them, you'll find the site easily.

So don't lose hope... don't give up... things can improve... and while you wait for things to improve, while you wait to find the right combination of treatments to help you, wear eye protection if it allows you to participate in life a bit more.



Good luck!

[RobLIC]

Wow, SAAG. That's a beautiful post, and filled with sentiment that rings true. I find some of my favorite exchanges with clerks these days - silly, but they're low pressure chats. I know I'm not going to talk about my eyes and it feels like practice for the real world

The first thought I had when I read the above - and you touched on it, SAAG - was pets. You may well live in an apartment that doesn't allow them, or have other reasons it's not practical, I realize.

I got my dog about four months before my LASIK in 2006. He's 4 1/2 now and brings me the most joy I get in my day. When I work on Buddhist "cheerfulness practice," I usually think of him, first.

The other thing about them, though, is they force you out of the house two or three times a day. Not like you have any option. And inevitably, you make friends with the other dog people in the neighborhood - mine watch the dog for me when I go out of town to see eye specialists. The rewards I've gained from dog caretaking outweigh by tenfold the burden of the additional responsibilities he has brought into my life.

Rob

[Guest]

The other thing about them, though, is they force you out of the house two or three times a day. Not like you have any option. And inevitably, you make friends with the other dog people in the neighborhood

Before we had kids, I used to take our dog to the local off-leash dog park... because we went a few times a week, I got to know some of the regulars... it was a nice chance to chat with other dog people

I've also noticed that when you go for a walk in the neighbourhood with a dog, you often ending up making small talk with people that never would have started a conversation with you had you NOT had a dog at your side... dogs make for good conversation-starters I guess

Whereas when if I were to go for a walk by myself, it's just the typical everyone-avoids-eye-contact-with-people-they-don't-know routine haha...

[Roderick]

That, my friend, is the hardest part. BUT, if you are ever to be able to get out and partake in somewhat normal activities, you have to get over this. Seriously... NOT getting over this is not an option. You only get one life...so go live it... if you have to wear goggles to do so, then so be it.

Our society is stupidly obsessed with appearances... don't let THAT stop you from doing what you need to do to protect your eyes and enjoy life.

The other day I saw a customer at work who had half his face scarred and purplish-red...yet he was out... no doubt he gets a lot of curious stares and questions too... but at least he's out there.

At least the things we wear look less conspicuous than that... it could be worse...

Can you afford to purchase a pair of Wiley's? They really and truly look mostly normal, and let me do all kinds of things that I could never do without them.

If you require prescription lenses and the Wiley's cannot accommodate that, then get a pair or 7-eys (aka Panoptx)... This should be priority-one for you if NOT using eye protection is preventing you from doing stuff.

Last summer my eyes were so bad that I couldn't even watch a movie... even reading the newspaper wasn't doable. I could only listen to TV with a cold compress over my eyes every evening. I had to wear goggles everywhere, as without them, I would have had to stay home 24/7. Needless to say, this forum was a lifesaver for me... there's nothing better than to have support from people who know exactly how you feel because they have gone through it too...

Things have improved a lot now... I still wear goggles 24/7 for the most part, but I can do more normal things... I can watch TV... I can read the newspaper... artificial tears work for me once again, and allow me to tolerate even windy days (still with my Wiley's of course!).

Regarding everyone being busy... I've come to the conclusion that I can't depend on other people to make me feel happy or not lonely... I have to find ways to do this for myself... same goes for you... (besides, it's shouldn't be anyone's responsibility but our own to make us happy, right?) ...get a pair or Wiley's or something similar... it will let you get out more.. that alone will help you feel less isolated. And there's nothing wrong with taking some pleasure out of a conversation with a store clerk either... I'm home with 2 toddlers all day... so I'll take any source of conversation I can get lol... even with store clerks

Do you like animals? Maybe you could get a pet... there are tons of options... having an animal around can do wonders for loneliness... plus having someone else to take care of gets one's mind off one's own problems for a while...

When I'm having a bad day, and feeling really down, I find the articles on depression at "ButYouDontLookSick.com" to be very helpful... they don't have any articles specifically on dealing with dry eyes, but a lot of the articles on coping with chronic illness etc are also applicable to someone in our situation... if you google them, you'll find the site easily.

So don't lose hope... don't give up... things can improve... and while you wait for things to improve, while you wait to find the right combination of treatments to help you, wear eye protection if it allows you to participate in life a bit more.



Good luck!

As far as eye protection is concerned, it didn't do anything for me. I found it to be more of a bother than anything else. For now though I can still go outside and function pretty normally from a social point of view, without it causing me much pain.

I have a cat, my landlord wouldn't allow dogs. Alas, cats don't speak. Getting to talk to random people can be made into something entertaining... but it never goes beyond a few lines of small talk that never go anywhere. Humans crave deeper connections with people. You have your partner and a family of your own after all.

Life is much harder to enjoy without any kind of social support or connections and with a hermit's lifestyle, especially when facing such a predicament.

I think it's especially harder on men and it can be the kiss of death to them from a social point of view, because men are supposed to the the instigators. They're supposed to be extremely extroverted, flippant, reactive and radiant with energy, lest they are thought up as odd or simply left unattended. Women can get away with being passive and will still have no trouble getting in new relationships and being approached by people.

It's hard because feeling constant eye pain leaves you without much stamina to do anything but the bare minimum, and certainly not enough to be the dancing monkey that everyone else expects you to be.

[Guest]

As far as eye protection is concerned, it didn't do anything for me. I found it to be more of a bother than anything else. For now though I can still go outside and function pretty normally from a social point of view, without it causing me much pain.

Ahhh... well that sucks that goggles didn't help you. Sorry I misunderstood... I thought maybe you hadn't tried them yet In your original post where you mentioned not wanting to be in contexts where you'd have to shield your eyes, I thought that meant there are some things you are currently unable to do because you don't have eye protection... didn't realize that wearing eye protection makes no difference whatsoever in what activities you are able to do.

Anyhow, I hope things get better for you... I know it's hard...

[Roderick]

I simply meant, not staring at the thing that induces pain. That my eyes be under special glasses made for dry eye sufferers doesn't make it more comfortable to watch video or use my computer. In fact it seems cumbersome because the glasses are a lot bigger, especially around the eyes. I just hated it and couldn't get used to it.

My upper eyelids simply won't be able to follow the movement without quickly becoming sore, which they pretty much are all the time already.

I miss playing games and watching movies... I play a few games on my PC but these are Civilization-like strategy games where there is no motion on screen. That I can at least bear for about 30-45 minutes. I could bear it a lot, lot more during the Winter. I'm starting to miss Winter a lot.

I'm about to get a sleeping mask which I plan to use when sleeping and resting, so maybe that will bring about some relief.

As for the rest I know I have to find my own thing... hope I end up being lucky...

[Guest]

I've found the same thing with the goggles and watching TV or using the computer... they don't make a dramatic difference for me in that setting... although they still help me a little bit for those things...

I miss games too... prior to Lasik, I used to play MMORPG's... Asheron's Call 2, Shadowbane, World of Warcraft... plus Nintendo and Playstation... I loved them all... My husband and I even had bought 2 computers, set up side by side in our office so that we could play those on-line games together...

Before we had kids, and before Lasik we used to sometimes spend entire weekends playing games on-line together... we were super geeks... I know...

Your eye problem sounds a bit different from mine though for sure... I've never had the sore eyelids...

Do you like to read? If so, you could try listening to audiobooks... you can probably get them free from your local library, or else buy them on-line through a site like audible.com I switched to audiobooks last summer and it has helped a lot... it's a nice escape for those times when I need to rest my eyes...

[Roderick]

If you like games then I suggest 4X games (Civilization and the like) as there's almost no motion on screen and it doesn't really induce more stress than browsing the web.

Unfortunately listening to most music hurts too, though not as much as video. It's much less worse when it's quiet, and not full of beats.

Anything that makes my upper eyelids make involuntary contractions does. They're so sore and tense all the time, I feel as if something was pulling them. I haven't really found a way to reduce this effect. Sometimes putting drops will worsen it. My reckoning is that it's the little blood vessels running through the upper eyelids that are the source of this.

I had forgotten about audiobooks. Might try some again, see how I take it. Perhaps with the volume turned down it wouldn't be so bad.

I did use them at the end of last year when I had to do reviews of a few classic books for college and suddenly couldn't stand reading long text anymore.

[Guest]

Do the doctors know what is causing your lids to act up like that for you? Hopefully someone will come along here on the forums with a similar problem so you can compare notes...

From your description, it almost sounds like the equivalent of a muscle cramp/spasm except it's happenning to your lids... is that about right?? It sounds quite painful in any case...

As for gaming... the ones I were really into just before Lasik were all PvP games... I loved the suspense of playing against real people... they are so unpredictable compared to the computer-generated characters/creatures... once I got used to that, I couldn't enjoy non-PvP games anymore... well.. maybe Mario Brothers games on Nintendo... I have a soft spot for those lol

But it's ok... at least I am finally able to watch TV again... so between that and audiobooks, I'm good to go.

Like I said, last summer I couldn't watch TV, and things have improved... so with any luck, your lids will calm down eventually and you'll be able to do the same!

[Roderick]

I don't have any twitches or anything, it's simply painful. And I'm pretty sure that the tear film is really really sore too. My optometrist diagnosed me with mild dry eyes, saying that my tears were evaporating quickly, that there were dilated and irritated blood vessels that were visible, that there were some dead cells and that overall it was very irritated. She said that the oil from the Meibomian glands couldn't spread enough and that it was responsible for the irritation.

Maybe there's an infection and so on top of that it's making the upper eyelid muscles sore because I have a hard time contracting them smoothly because it means pain to the tear film. Could be possible.

So far I've posted a bunch of times about my problems but people haven't been able to give me further insight as to what I have or haven't replied. I don't think I've found anything specific that would apply to me either, though I've seen some people with very very sore upper eyelid margins.

I have an appointment with an ophtalmologist that she referred me to, saying he's a lid specialist, so I hope he'll know. Sadly it's only in a month, and I'm supposed to be lucky at that because she first thought it would take three months. Don't know what I'll do in the meanwhile...

[20/20_Hindsight]

Maybe some of these suggestions might help (or might not)?

1. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Other people work there to talk to.
2. Big brother/big sister programs.
3. Look for hiking clubs in your province/county if you like the outdoors. I did this for years (joined 3) and had an activity to do every weekend. Made an effort to talk to others while hiking.
4. Maybe online dating? Could there be one for folks with disabilities of all sorts (doesn't mean you have to hook up with a paraplegic)? If not, and you're website building profient, maybe you can start one. It is alot easier to be in the company of or talk to others with disabilities, since most of the times friends/family members don't want to hear our problems.
5. Try to find a dry-eye buddy on this website to call on the phone once a week.
6. Are you sports minded? Any basketball/golfing/ whatever leagues in your area that you might join?
7. Learn to ride a motorcycle and hook up with rides on the weekend. (yes, this is coming from a severe dry eye person. I ride a motorcycle with full face helmet and full sealing goggles underneath).

I apologize if these suggestions don't fit with your eye issues or desires. Just trying to be helpful.

[Roderick]

1-Maybe if I can find one, I'll look.
2-Haven't found any such thing, but I'll keep looking. Rather not deal with kids though because they can tire you very fast.
3-That would be nice. Though from the very few of such activities I've heard of so far, the hiking starts in locations where buses couldn't take me to.
4-Where I live there is only one dating website. To be honest, for males online dating is pretty much a total wasteland. Too many men, and not enough women to go around, the latter which are very very picky, or sometimes use it as an anti-depressant to see how many men will message them without meeting with any. Soon enough you run out of women to message in your area. Last time I tried I couldn't get anyone to reply to my messages, and it's the same for all the guys I know over the Internet, who sometimes send hundreds of messages without getting a single reply. And once over a blue moon when they get to meet one she always ignores them after the first date. If on top of these odds I have to advertise myself as having an ailment, then I have bigger chances of winning millions at the lottery than to meet any kind of success. Despite it all I might try it again, but if I do I'm showing my best sides, not advertising a disability.
5-Maybe. I do have multiple friends which I talk to on Skype, though. I'm more looking for people to meet face to face.
6-I'd love to find one, not in the best of shapes though.
7-Not even close to having the money for that.

Thanks anyway for your suggestions, maybe there's a few things I can look into.