suicidal thoughts again

[Emmsy555]

I'm sorry for this post in advance, I'm 9 months in and still in the most depressive phase I guess. My eyes are not quite as "raw" as they once were due to autologous drops, but otherwise they still ache, burn, are sore, bloodshot and beyond painful 24/7. I've given up my art grad. school acceptance and do not work due to the pain. I don't want to die, but I keep thinking about dying just to make it stop. This kind of life isn't worth living and I can't find a way out.

I know that I'm not alone and many of you feel the same way and I thank you for sharing your stories. I guess I just don't know what to do anymore and would give anything to make it hurt less. I just needed to say that to people who understand.

[faithfully]

Emmys555, I seldom post but when I read yours I had to respond.
I have tried just about everything for almost four years now. TOmorrow I have another appt. with my corneal specialists. Hoping once again just maybe he might have some insight to this dryness and also to see how my eyes are doing.
My eyes have gotten better but still I am very limited on daily activities esp. reading which was something I enjoyed most.
I continue to research and hope and esp. pray for relief for my eyes. Some days are better than others.
One thing I thought I would never do and that was resort to an anti-depressant. I now take one every other night. Taking one every night was too much for my body but I find by experimenting that one every other night is helping. We are all different and we have to find out what works for us.
By reading these posts on here I have tried so many of these ideas...even honey. Today I even brought in my rosemary plant to use to wash my face and gently around my eyes. I read where it can help.
All this to say is I refuse to give up. My faith keeps me from giving up b/c I too have thought many times it just isnt worth it. Not only do I have severe dry eyes but I have also been d/x with a disease that is not only curable but hardly treatable. This has got me now more than ever reading my Bible and finding hope and it says.....Hope does not disappoint! Romans 5:5
I hope this helps you. DOnt give up. It does get better

[rooneyandfergie]

I'm sorry for this post in advance, I'm 9 months in and still in the most depressive phase I guess. My eyes are not quite as "raw" as they once were due to autologous drops, but otherwise they still ache, burn, are sore, bloodshot and beyond painful 24/7. I've given up my art grad. school acceptance and do not work due to the pain. I don't want to die, but I keep thinking about dying just to make it stop. This kind of life isn't worth living and I can't find a way out.

Hey Emmsy, I am about 11 months in and still I am depressed quite a lot of the time. The constant red eyes and discomfort does take a big toll on you. I understand the inability to work due to the pain. I nearly quit my job which after a week due to the stabbing pain in my eyes. I am in the IT line of work. I was pretty depressed that after 4 years in college I cant even make use of what I have learnt because of my eye health. I was also diagnosed with glaucoma which is an eye disease that could cause blindness. This was a double blow. It's like i suddenly lost a big part of myself. My social life took a beating, my career took a beating, my self confidence dropped due to the redness, I did not dare to travel and my health in general took a beating as the stress and depression took its toll. I started having sinus problems.

I have tried almost everything. Restasis, warm compresses, lid scrubs and the list goes on. Everytime something comes along that could help, it raises my hope that someday i could be free of my disease. Each time my hope had been crushed after it had been proven ineffective. Currently i was just given cyclosporine at 0.5% and doxycycline. This has raised my hopes again that it could make my eyes more comfortable. However, cyclosporine has caused very bad burning and redness when i use it. I dont know how to resolve the redness problem though. There doesnt seem to be a solution for it at the moment.

Trust me Emmsy, there are many occasions when i think back to the time when i had healthy eyes. And there were occasions when i felt the strong compulsion to end it all. Especially a few months back. But Emmsy all i can say is to try take it a day at a time. Try to aim for a little improvement every day. Feel free to post a private message to me if u feel u need to talk about it. Talking about it usually makes it feel a bit better. Hopefully, medical science can provide an answer in the future and restore our lives to normal. I sincerely hope u get relief from ur symptoms soon

[Michael2]

hey Emmsy,

when i came here after a weeks i was crushed cause i felt i knew my fate. '4 years,' '10 years,' like WTF...i can barely make it for 2 minutes!

anyway, its been a little over a year for me...nothing worked at all, and then I jumped to IPL. IPL has not cured me, but it has definitely been a blessing. my eyes feel weak compared to normal eyes, but they no longer feel raw and broken. my eyes get stronger and stronger every month, and whereas i couldnt open a cabinet door a year ago, i can actually go out in a windy storm without burning. my eyes still feel like theyre missing some of that glue, but im actually in astonishingly less pain. actually its amazing how much my eyes still bother me, considering how i prob have 70% pain relief...that goes to show you how horrible this disease is...im still confident i can beat this soon. stay hopeful, and make sure to treat the underlying cause