Feeling panicked - Suicidal thoughts again

[Cali]

I've been on autologous serum drops for about 4 days now. I do notice a very slight improvement. But, I'm feeling suicidal again.

My fear centers around not being able to work at a computer. I am a high-tech marketer (semiconductors, software) and most of my time is spent online. I also have pudendal nerve entrapment, which means I can't sit or stand for long periods of time.

So where does that leave me? How do I survive if I can't get my computer usage back up? I really can't retrain for another type of job, I'm age 49 and again, the pudendal nerve issue limits my physicial capabilities.

I know I need to take one day at a time, but minute by minute right now, all I'm thinking about is how I can easily take my life that would be relatively pain free. It's consuming me. I'm feeling hopeless.

Plugs, cauterization, those thoughts don't make me feel better. Restasis, can't tolerate it. It seems as though I have no options but I know I'll have to consider plugs and cauterization.

What I really need to do is calm down and give these serum drops a chance to work. I read by the moderator that "it takes about 60-90 days for the osmolarity to change and then the healing process of cells takes another 60-90 days. Any nerve issues can take longer."

Can someone help me to mentally feel better? What am I hoping for? A nerve growth factor to help LASIK induced dry eye? A magic pill to heal MGD? I don't know what to hope for? To just "get comfortable"? Can the serum drops help heal nerve issues?

I am seeing a psychiatrist to help me mentally deal with this "challange" but it's late on a Friday night and I'm alone with my thoughts.

[Rebecca Petris]

((((Cali))))

I'm so sorry. Hard huh. If you're still online... Call me. PM'ing you my #.

[indrep]

Cali,
I am unfamiliar with pudendal issues. I did see something the other day that might be of help for those days of office work. It was a computer desk with a very slow tread mill under it. The desk top rises when the user needs a leg stretching and then lowers back down when sitting is required. It is not an exercise treadmill it moves no faster than 2 miles per hour.

My thoughts are with you.

[Joseph]

Call a suicide hot line or go to the emergency room. Do not take your life. I was were you are in my life acouple of time and I pulled through so you will to. Also your psychiatrist has a doctor on call for things like this so call your psychiatrist and leave an urgent message. Do not make a long term decision for something that they will have answers for soon. There are a lot of clinicial trials that look vary promising for us dry eye folks... GOD BLESS...

[No tears in ATL]

Cali, sending hugs and good thoughts your way. Please hang in there. I'm on serum, too, and I'm trying to be patient as well.

You've got good friends here.

[sunshinelover]

Big hug to you Cali!!
I can totally relate to the fear of not being albe to work anymore - and it's hard when few people seem to understand how debilitating eye pain can be - but we need to take it day by day- It is NOT time to give up!! And plugs are no big thing - I got plugs and never felt them. Big Hug!!

[Colin P]

I shall keep it brief Cali, why do you think everyone else is dryeyezone.com? cos they were simply 'surfing the net'?... You are NOT an enigma, and the experts in this field belive it or not, deal with the same anxiety/depression levels on a daily basis, very clever people on very big wages.
I promise you, that 6 months worth of Anti-depressents will chill you to a point where it does not consume your thoughts every waking hour..
Ask to be checked in, and go under observations for a while. You know that this is mentaly an artificial feeling but it has overwhelmed you, the medication is out there for a mental collapse. I know of a hand-full of people who have had to check themeselves in to hospital for the very same problem, one being me this time last year.
You need to remove yourself from any worries, become a slob for a while, do nothing and let the doctor take over.
Train for another job?? walk away from your computer job would be my first thought. Dont worry about your next job, NOTHING!! is worth your health. Get a job that dont need no training or responsibility only when youre 'on the way back'. Do you think a mental health doctor will simply give-up on you?? ie- medication dont work (cos of course youre gonna be the `1st person in the world they dont work on, cos your made of totally different stuff than everyone else on the planet).
"sorry Cali, youre screwed" Er-no! youre on there books and aint getting discharged till youre 100%... I am still on anti-depressents, but am ready to start the withdrawl now, under no-pressure from my G.P, everything at my pace, and if need be? i will stay on these 'disco-biscuits' for the rest of my days, i really am that chilled now, i hardly even think about dry-eyes now, and someone talking from experience, and not repeating someone elses pm's MENTAL DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY MAKES YOUR SYMPTOMS FAR WORSE THAT THEY ACTUALLY ARE.... SO THERE, IV'E SAID IT!!......

PM me anytime Cali...

[jax8it]

Cali
I feel for you. I have been there not too long ago. I did have to check into an outpatient psych hospital. My meds are helping me deal with this mentally. I still have bad days, but they are getting better. Please hang on and don't loose hope. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[bunnyrabbit123]

Cali,
This time last summer I felt very much like ending it. Tired of being a burden to my husband-panicked that I would never be able to drive myself anywhere again, read or watch a movie. So depressing to be around and here we are a year later and things have gotten much better. I know it's trite, but you have to hang on- Seek therapy- find eye care with someone who wants to help you, walk away feom anyone who dismisses this problem as merely dry eye. It's a hard time right now but you will get better, I promise this. I have plugs and cauterization. It's not a big deal- give the serum drops time. It took me 6 mos to feel anything from the restasis. Sending you big warm hugs!!

[Guest]

Hey Cali,

So many of us have been where you are... tempted to end it all... but things will get better if you hang around long enough... just wait this out... you'll turn a corner and get to a place where your eyes aren't driving you crazy.. honestly!!!

Please don't be scared/worried or whatever about the thought of plugs or cauterization - plugs are easy to get put in as long as your doctor knows what they're doing - cautery is easy-peasy for a doc that knows what they're doing too, and it's honestly no big deal as a patient either (I'm speaking from experience here!) They can make an enormous difference in comfort, and you won't know unless you try it. You might as well give them a go. Despite all the mixed reviews of plugs/cautery you'll read on here, they help a ton of people (myself being one of them).

As for work worries, try to put that aside. Once you're mentally feeling a bit stronger, you can start to think of strategies for work (whether that means staying in your current job, taking an extended hiatus from work, or switching jobs altogether). But for now, just focus on getting through this minute, this hour, and this day.

As stupid as this may sounds, distraction can help a ton - watch or listen to comedians on TV, go out (heck, if you're uncomfortable at home no matter what you do, you may as well be uncomfortable out of the house where there are more distractions and a change in scenery), work-out if possible with whatever movements are ok with your nerve condition... Audiobooks are super also - when I'm feeling low, I'm partial to disaster-type stories since inevitably the main character always is doing way worse than I am, so I end up feeling better about my own situation

If your eyes are driving you bonkers, have you tried closing them tight and splashing icy cold tap water over your closed eyes? I used to do this multiple times a day and it gave good relief, even if only for a short time before I had to repeat the process...

Anyhow, you'll get through this... you will... just don't quit...

[vivian3090]

cali,
Hang in there girl. I just started serum drops myself and im trying to be patient. I am where you are right now, but what helps me each day is the hope that the people on this forum has given me, that this is the absolute worse I will feel and that I wont be feeling like this a year from now. Thinking of you.

[dryeye4ever]

hang in there, it feels frustrating when ppl think dry eye is a small problem. Something that affects you 16hrs a day 365 days isnt easy. Im just 11 months post dry eye but i feel like in the next 6 months i shud try everything to heal. Ive had sucidal thoughts cuz at 22 you arent supposed to have dry eyes but i got it and ive had a bad youth cuz i was bipolar and not consistent i wanted to bounce back but dry eye has made this a bit difficult. Im sure some days you feel in relief and not in pain