relationship&dry eye..

[Mika]

hi..i wanted to know if people (specially young sufferer) has been able to build and create relationship with other friends in their surrounding? bcoz some person don't understand and avoid "ill" people.i wanted to know if dryeye seriously affect their social life..
and does someone having dryeye, suceeded in dating other person?won't the "date" one be scared when seeing this illness!
..i ask these question bcoz, i don't wana b a slave of this ill and sometimes relationship, love can motivate people in their life!love can do miracle as some says...

[Eyeshaveit]

Know what you mean

Hey, I know what you mean, this is probably the biggest hassle of all for me, and I'd love to hear other peoples' experiences.

I'm a 25 and year old guy and recently broke up with my college girlfriend of four years and started the dating thing all over again... the first time dating with a) dry eyes - cause unknown by the way, maybe lens wear - and b) all the issues that go along with it, such as red eyes, discharge and real trouble wearing contacts socially for a few hours once or twice a week on good days.

Dry eye is painful and visible -- it's always fun when someone stares into your eyes, and sees a lot of red -- and, although I think about my eyes all the time like many here, you really have to apply them to the same rules of dating as any other health issue: do not bring it up on a first date ; ) Maybe not even a second or even a third. Now, that's tough if you're having a date in a smoky bar for 3 hours -- you'll never make it through. So you have to plan carefully... try to meet people and date in places that won't hurt your eyes. If you can't make it past 10pm, then go on Sunday dates at first.. go to brunch. Always bring your eye drops with you -- use them when you go on bathroom breaks or when your date does.

Another problem with dry eyes and dating is the loss of confidence that comes with such a visible and draining chronic issue. But you can manage that in a number of ways.. psych yourself up, take comfort in any friends or family, and go on a lot of "practice" dates. You're talking about "love," but it takes time to go out there and meet people to find the person who's right for you. It's never easy, and it's especially tough with dry eyes, but get out and start meeting new people and giving it your best shot. There will be ups and downs, so be prepared for those, but overall, your confidence will increase with time as you push ahead do your best despite your eyes.

If your dry eyes are so extreme that there's no way to hide them for a 2 hour date, and it makes them very tough to meet other people, there are still ways to find people out there. One thing that comes to mind -- there are tens of millions of people on online dating.. if you've never tried that, maybe consider it. It has become quite mainstream and will give you an opportunity to connect with people prior to meeting in person and showing them your eyes. Again, if you have extremely severe dry eyes that you think will upset other people when you meet them in person, you might even consider mentioning it in your dating profile. Be funny, irreverent and totally non-scientific about it, but also make it clear it's a real issue if it is. If you do have to mention it, maybe write something like "Another unique thing about me is that my eyes do not create natural tears, which is a funny issue and has its ups and its downs. On the downside, it makes my eyes a little red and keeps me out of smoky bars and in sunglasses more than I'd like (though I think I have a career potential as a Bono impersonator in my shades!). On the upside, unlike my friends, I haven't shed a tear over the Red Sox in years." Just an idea. My preference again is to err on the side of not mentioning it if at all possible, and if you need to mention it, in person or in writing, don't be too serious about. Joking about it as much as possible will probably also be good for your own state of mind.

Hope some of those thoughts are remotely helpful! Good luck.

[neil0502]

Very well said, Eyeshaveit.

I have to run now ... and probably won't be back online for a week or so, but ... I'll look forward to watching this thread unfold ... and maybe adding my two cents ... at the next CyberCafe.

All the best,
Neil
Struggling his way across Europe

[Amy09]

I completely agree that being young with dry eye and trying to balance a social life/relationship can be extremely hard, but over the last couple years I've learned that it is something that is do-able. First of all, I've had to accept the fact that I can't be up all night and be in smoky areas, so most of the friends I've made are people that like having fun mostly in ways that don't include bars or partying all night long. Also, when I went to college, I found friends that were accepting of me despite the fact that my eyes are noticably red at times, that I can't wear much eye makeup, and that I have to wear thick glasses all the time. They are great friends that have learned to look at me based on whats on the inside.

Another big thing I've come to accept about having a social life is that making friends is definately possible, it just might take a little longer than normal (aka giving time for people to get used to the state of your eyes and/or having to use drops.) This week I have been doing rush for a christian sorority. It's hard going up to people and introducing myself late at night under bright florescent lights, knowing that they're thinking about how bad my eyes look, but I try not to think about it and try to stay outgoing. Last night we were doing activities from 7 until midnight and my eyes were absolutely killing me, but by ignoring it the best I could, I was still able to have a decent time and meet some great people. just don't complain about the pain your in, because nobody wants a party pooper.

As for the relationship thing, I completely agree with "eyeshaveit" that it isn't a good idea to mention your dry eye problems on the first date (the same goes for when you're making friends- don't mention your eye problems for a while when getting to know them.). It will just make you seem like an attention seeker, a pessimist, and sickly. If the person has a problem with your eyes on the first date, and won't continue dating you just because of that reason, then they weren't worth it anyways. I've been in a relationship for almost 3 months now, and the guy definately focuses on more than just looks. We like each other because we have things in common and enjoy eachothers company. After about a month of dating, the eye thing came up, and I just explained to him that my tear ducts don't work normally and that there are special things I have to do to cope with it. He seems cool with it, and we just choose to not really talk about it. I admit that having confidence and dry eye isn't the easiest thing in the world- i'm definately still working on that one.

As for the illness thing, I find that when people do finally learn of your dry eye problems, if the subject comes up from them asking you, or from them finding out without you saying, "My name is ____ and I have dry eye," that instead of thinking of you as "ill" they usually consider you a pretty strong person for being able to handle such a frustrating chronic problem and not complaining about it.

Lastly, don't compare yourself to others. You can no longer do the things you once could, so realize that you need to set limits, and just be the best YOU can be. I realize this sounds like something taken out of a self-help book, but it's truly helped me the past year or so to realize that I need to set my own goals instead of striving to have the same amazing social lives as others.

Anyways, I hope this is helpful. I'm no expert and am still learning how to master this stuff myself, but I think that a healthy social life is definately something that is still possible to obtain for young people like us with dry eye.

[Lucy]

Last night we were doing activities from 7 until midnight and my eyes were absolutely killing me, but by ignoring it the best I could, I was still able to have a decent time and meet some great people. just don't complain about the pain your in

Amy, your post shows great maturity and insight! You don't owe anyone you meet an explanation of your physical ailments, indeed, probably best not to. Imagine some young guy you're telling about dry eyes thinking, "gee, I wonder if I should mention I have a rash on my shoulder." Or, you can use your imagination a lot on this one!

If you have an ongoing friendship, ralationship later on, things will come up in a natural way. By the time one is in college, they have probably had an infection, a tooth filling, eye infections. That means no one is entirely perfect. Again, you show great courage and insight to this problem for young people.

[Eyeshaveit]

Hey Amy, I agree with Lucy's post, great work : ) It really took me a while to feel comfortable enough to date again, so I know how tough it can be! Keep it up!

[Mika]

thx u veryyyyy much 4 ur tips guys, i really appreciate it..

but i wonder; does, NOT telling the other person u have dry eye, and still dating her 4 couple of weeks, wouldn't she kno there something out there...i mean something that isn't right wit ur eyes?...and mayB she can start finking behind ur back that this guy/girl isn't normal...?he's hiding something from me... and wat's more, won't she find sometimes, in ur dating hours, some white discharge in ur eyes?cuz u don't know when this discharge appears............. so she will find it all by herself!...and can even be verrry scared about contamination (if we don't introduce this subject ourself to her)...and can evade u...
so can i have ur opinion bout this please ?

[Mika]

mayB the FEW benefits that dryeye syndrome give us are:
no smoking, no alcohol drinking, not a late party or bar addict, we r very carefull about our body (eyes),drive carefully, return home early (doesn't do overtime@work or hang out with friends @very late hrs) and we may even be verryyyyyy caring knowing that the other person is loving us despite our syndrome...
guess that these are the rare characteristic that some1 usually search4 in another person: someone responsible....n we dryeye sufferer has them all

[sazy123]

hiya

just wanted to say my social life is nonexistant due to this dry eye and sinus pain. I cant concentrate on conversations, and cant look people in the eye without blinking a million times (when my eyes are bad), plus i have no money for social things due to spending it all on doctors, natropaths, tests, eye drops, sinus things, flights to new york. As i have had no help from our 'free 'health care system, everything i do for this problem i have to pay for my self. Ended my long term relationship he probally didnt want someone with health problems. guys that i ussually go for wouldnt accept this at 21. I know im gonna be single for a long time, but thats ok coz i havent got the energy to focuss on anyone else at the moment other than trying to get better..

[Mika]

hey sazy
yeah me 2 sometimes i fink like u:no time4other person and most of my money are already spent on medicine.....
but, im not being perssimist, but what if "there's no tomorrow", what if we are stuck up wit this syndrome for many years and years cuz that what happened to many people around here (and me2i'm very young)...so are we just gonna give up our social life in mayB the only life we have on earth?...just living solo...?just living wit this disease day and nigth?

yeah mayB im just dreaming a bit about relationship nope?, sometimes i feel like im living...! sometimes, in bad dry eye days i feel so depressed and sad..but im an optimist person most of the time

but being a D.E "victime" do impose us a lot of bad luck. i mean like having red eyes or white discharge, which can, in a blink of a dry eye patient eye (which is very very veryyyyyyy rapid ) make the other party run away from u! i kno dat cuz i have experience these thing....
its true that its when ur down that u know who u real friendz are...

hmpff i dont really know..mayB i must stop dreaming...
yeah right : hope is good...but false hope is deadly..

[Lucy]

C'mon you guys. While this is a "worthy" thread, we must remember that no one is perfect forever and/or all the time. Everyone has or will have something wrong with them. Yours might be dry eyes. Someone else may be diabetic and have to deal with several insulin shots a day, plus poling their finger and reading the blood sugar level. Use your imagination to put things into perspective.

How would one explain being in a wheel-chair? How would one deal with taking out the insulin needle? I'm certainly not trivializing our problem for the younger folks. How about being pregnant? That is something that uses extra care and diligence, but somehow we manage.

Much of this is a problem only as much as you allow it to be. Go forth and date.

[Jade9923]

Oh Lucy,
I'm assuming you have not suffered the severe severe PAIN of dry eyes. I have been through so much in my life in terms of my health and let me assure you there is NOTHING worse than suffering from constant dry eyes. The only thing that helped me was to close my eyes. I remember trying to cope with it all and spending much time considering that I may have to somehow sew my eyes shut and live blind. That would have been needed if I had not gotten help and relief. There is NO way to ignore the pain and just go on about your day. PAIN PAIN PAIN! Constant...when I was in this condition for about 2 years, I wanted to die or at the very least close my eyes and live my life like that. Yes, there are many other painful conditions and circumstances but the unique thing about my dry eyes at least was the constant pain and discomfort in the midst of HAVING to work, live, pay your bills etc. It was impossible to ignore and was the worst time in my life.

[Lucy]

Jade, I became unemployed last year after 5 years (beginning in January of 2000) of eye pain and bad vision resulting from dry eye after lasik surgery. I'm not sure how I managed to keep my job for 5 years under those conditions. I used my lunch time and breaks to go to the ladies lounge and lie down with icepacks on my eyes.I used drops 3 or 4 times an hour while doing my job as secretary. I went to work, came home and immediately went to bed - covering my eyes. My eye condition is such that I was able to file and collect disability insurance for it.

I am not trying to be "one up" here, but yes, others have the PAIN and some much worse. I have spent much of the time since being unemployed staying in the house with an icepack over my eyes. A few of us have trigeminal neuralgia. I am one of those.

http://www.trigeminalneuralgia.us/

[Rebecca Petris]

I remember trying to cope with it all and spending much time considering that I may have to somehow sew my eyes shut and live blind. That would have been needed if I had not gotten help and relief. There is NO way to ignore the pain and just go on about your day. PAIN PAIN PAIN! Constant...when I was in this condition for about 2 years, I wanted to die or at the very least close my eyes and live my life like that. Yes, there are many other painful conditions and circumstances but the unique thing about my dry eyes at least was the constant pain and discomfort in the midst of HAVING to work, live, pay your bills etc. It was impossible to ignore and was the worst time in my life.

Jade9923,

This is poignant and no one can argue with this. So many people here have been there in that dark dark place where pain just becomes all-consuming. It is awful. None of us would wish it on anyone.

It is very difficult in these internet forums to ever gauge with any accuracy what another person is going through. Is someone whining about what to them is a big nuisance but what to another might be a minor annoyance? Or is someone in that really dark place right now and they just have a different choice of words than we would? Is someone callous, or trying to be encouraging in their own way? We don't know - unless we have come to know the other individually, all we know is the words we see and how they strike us. Lucy seems to have struck you as in some way pooh-poohing the seriousness of the impact of this disease on our lives. Nothing could be further from the truth, as you can see from even a brief description of what she herself has been through.

There are ups and downs with chronic pain. We may not be able to control our feelings and attitudes when we're in that dark place, but when we are going through the better periods I think it's right, personally, to put as much effort as we can into not letting the disease define us, our relationships, our hopes and dreams.

[Amy09]

There are ups and downs with chronic pain. We may not be able to control our feelings and attitudes when we're in that dark place, but when we are going through the better periods I think it's right, personally, to put as much effort as we can into not letting the disease define us, our relationships, our hopes and dreams.

Well said Rebecca. That is one of the best pieces of advice I have heard in a long time and I completely second that.