Things happen for a reason ... is BS

[tommyboy]

Did God intentionally put me in pain for the rest of my life? I don't get it. Today I went to a fundraiser walk for MS. And somewhere along the way I managed to lose and/or misplace my brand new pair of prescription Wiley x moisture chambers. I had them special made for computer use. I was wearing my sunglasses and I had them in my backpack at some point today. I think at least. I just searched the entire house. No luck. I drove to my office thinking maybe I left them there. Nope. So is that my luck these days. Get LASIK. And I still need f-in glasses. I know don't feel sorry for myself because I now have corneal neuralgia and am basically in pain most of the time. But I am at a friggin CHARITY event and I lose my glasses. Really. And things happen for a reason. So what does that mean? Does that mean God truly does want me to suffer? How cruel is that. And to top it off I woke this morning with a huge stye on my upper right lid. It's so big I can barely see out of it.

Whatever. Bring it on ... I don't think I believe in a God anymore. To cruel. Some say I am being tested. Really? BS.

If I didn't have a wife and children life would be a whole lot simpler right now ...

Oh well. Off to bed to get up and suffer again all over tomorrow.

Rebecca - thanks for this wonderful place to come and vent.

[Guest]

I feel for ya... this stuff can really suck sometimes.

(No offense intended to anyone who believes in god here... just my rambling coming up... don't mind me...)

I find it interesting how stuff like this can affect a person's faith in god.

Some people have crappy stuff happen and their faith in god is stronger than ever... not me.

I was raised going to church every Sunday, did everything I was told etc, and honest to goodness I BELIEVED with all my heart in god and my religion. If the god of my religion exists, he would have thought I'd turned out ok I think.

But then the whole optic neuritis, lesions in my brain thing, likely future diagnosis of multiple sclerosis thing happened (long story), and from that day forward, cliche'd as it sounds, I totally lost my faith in god. Poof. Gone. Just like that. In an instant it disappeared when those MRI results came back.

Funny thing is, after 10 years or so went by, and no multiple sclerosis diagnosis, no more "attacks", I thought "hmmm... maybe there IS a god after all and he realized that whole optic neuritis/lesions in my brain thing was too much so he decided to dial it all back and let me be normal... maybe he DOES exist and my religion had it all figured out after all!"...

And then I had LASIK, and you all know how THAT turned out! I was thinking WTH is this? F'ing hell. You have GOT to be freaking kidding me. And it pretty much further solidified my thinking that the god of my religion just doesn't exist... so after tentatively moving back towards the god of my upbringing, I was firmly back in the agnostic camp.

I'm not bitter about it, but this just make me no longer capable of putting aside my doubts and just having faith as we were taught.

So now I consider myself an agnostic... maybe there is a god, and maybe there isn't... but I just don't know.

And if there is a god, then I don't think the religion I grew up with had him all figured out since there are too many inconsistencies for me... any religious explanation for why crappy things happen to good people don't make sense to me. If there is a god, and that god is all powerful and all good, then why does crap happen to people that are good?

But do you know what else? Thinking there may very well be nothing after we die... no heaven... nothing... makes me that much more hell-bent on getting the most out of THIS life. We're here, might as well make the most of it... (and let's face it, despite the crap in the world, life can be pretty darned amazing sometimes, right?)

(Anyhow if there is a heaven, then that would be a nice bonus... assuming there is an understanding god who will totally get why I just couldn't help but question the religious theories/teachings I grew up with and will let me in... or would he send me to purgatory first? Hmmm... I mean, it's not like I'm some horrible axe murderer, right? I'm a decent person, I try to do the right thing etc.)

But anyhow, if all I have is the next few decades, then no way in hell will I waste a minute more than necessary being sad if I can help it. I want to be happy. I want to do all the things on my loooong bucket list... sooooo many things. So, if I have to endure a few years of crap to get it together and figure out a routine that makes this stupid eye problem manageable, then so be it. It's worth it if I get decades of good stuff still coming up.

So, ditto for you. This is your crap time... but you'll figure out a way to make things manageable, and you will be happy again. And THEN, you get to enjoy the rest of your time on this earth with your family, right?

You just haven't figured out a plan that works for you yet I think... try not to focus on the suffering part, but as much as possible, put your energy into searching for a solution that will make your life happy, productive, and GOOD again. Yes, you'll hit a lot of brick walls along the way, but eventually, you'll find a way through to the other side.

Become your own expert on all things related to neuropathic pain, generic dry eye, post-lasik dry eye, potential dietary contributing factors... become an expert on ANYTHING that might help improve your eye situation. YOU, due to the discomfort you are in, will be FAR more motivated than anyone else to find a good solution... so go for it... I honestly believe it's the best way for people in freakishly bad, uncommon situations like we have. If that seems overwhelming, then do it a little bit at a time...

Like you, none of this makes any sense to me whatsoever... it just is what it is. Who the hell knows why it is this way, it just is. It's kind of weird having no idea why we are here though... without religion, then what are we supposed to DO? What is our purpose? WHY are we here? Still trying to figure that out... I mean, are we all just a bunch of Darwinian animals that are just hard-wired to survive and evolve generation-by-generation? And that's it? I don't dwell on it too much, since it can be a bit depressing to look at it that way...

[socratese]

I haven't posted or read these forums in a while because I have basically given up for a couple years on ever finding help. Almost given up on life several times also.

Agnosticism is pretty common these days. I can't really say i'm closer to a god now that my very young life is completely ruined. Lets put it that way.... ACtually I want to be mad at god.. Or find something to be mad at to blame for this but theres no use. And SAAG those were some very wise words from you about dealing with this curse. I'm still trying to cope and get in a routine. Sometimes I wonder if my pain level is too much to be able to cope. In a situation like this I kind of wish some supernatural being out there could save me. I've tried everything else why not try praying .. I used to value life so much and had so many hopes and dreams as a teenager. now that im finally an adult though im cheated.

[tommyboy]

Thanks for the post guy's...

SAAG you always have such nice words of wisdom

I am actually, on a mission - a mission to get out of pain. And as you suggested I have been trying to take control of my pain, versus my wife. I have been in constant communication with my doctor in Boston. For some reason, unknown to me, he replies to my emails even on Saturday and Saturday night He has a shitty bed side manner - tells you like it is most of the time and normally will not correspond with his patience over email, but I guess I am kind of special. Or maybe he treats me as special since my eyes are so bad ... who knows - but he is extremely responsive. He replies to every email and even read my daily pain log my wife put together in excel.

I started seeing a new pain doctor - who spent 20 minutes with me on breathing exercises and 40 entire minutes on nutrition. I am cutting out red meat, "white" foods, and processed foods - as much as I can. My wife and I actually hired a really good nutritionist. My pain doctor and the nutritionist told me that "inflammation" is the devil - and the root of most problems with the body. I have my doubts (as I do with EVERYTHING as I am into this 19 months now) - but I am willing to try ANYTHING. If you told me to jump off a cliff and that would fix my eyes - I would gladly jump off head first with a big smile on my face

So I am trying this new diet. I am going to try to do more acupuncture - more than every other week. And I am wearing my goggles almost every waking minute... I just wish they would provide some relief like they did many many months ago.

Lastly - my doctor started me on Doxy 100mg, twice a day for a month - than once a day for two months - as he said the stye is most likely due to inflammation and may explain the very high levels of main for the past month.

So, I agree SAAG... I do need to start taking charge ... I am on a "mission" to get out of pain.... I unfortunately, am not that pleasant of a person anymore - I am pretty grumpy most of the time. I have a short temper... I feel like that jackass doctor on that show "house". He is basically an assh-le to everyone because he is in pain all the time. Well I feel like I am him. And I wish that was not the case as I have a lovely, super wife and two kids. I feel like I bring a shitty attitude to every day and make every moment worse... So I need to somehow figure out how I change that. How do I "pretend" everything is just fine and bring a positive attitude?

Any more advice on "pain" mgmt and "attitude" mgmt SAAG?

I do put in refresh PM every night and am putting in serum drops every two hours... I don't watch any TV and I don't read anything. I do have to use the computer for work and wear my "onion" glasses now while on the computer as they hold the most moisture due to no vents in the glasses...

Thanks again,
Tom

P.S Have a nice Sunday

[Guest]

Any more advice on "pain" mgmt and "attitude" mgmt SAAG?

Ok... my advice on the attitude will probably sound utterly ridiculous, but it works surprisingly well (for me, anyhow)

I can be in the most foul mood, and even deeply sad (ex. after a death in the family, or when my eyes were at their worst) and if I do this, it works... (It works for me even if I am in a sobbing-mess-constantly-on -the-verge-of-tears kind of mood)

Pretend you are happy. And, this is key, force yourself to push the thoughts of whatever is making you angry/sad etc. right out of your mind... stick them into a locked little box in your brain that you refuse to open. 100% Refuse. Be the best damned actor that ever lived and pretend you are happy - put it into your voice and make it sound sincere... put a content, relaxed expression on your face and make it look real. Smile - a lot (well, when it fits the situation... don't want to look like you've lost your mind or anything haha). Pretend your heart out. If you persist, it will become real... I don't know why this works, but it does. Maybe because this exercise in pretend makes those around you more relaxed and it's contagious back to you? I don't know... but it works. (for me anyhow)

It may take a few hours to kick in... or maybe you'll be a resistant case and it will take longer for you... but I'm optimistic that my ridiculous-sounding suggestion can work. By pretending so hard that it looks real to everyone around you, it can actually become real... one moment you just realize that you are honestly feeling happy for some reason... the pretending worked.

Ha... do I sound crazy or what now? lol

Anyhow, maybe it will work for you like it does for me?

(Note: this doesn't mean you have to stop doing all the stuff you do for your eyes... obviously keep at it... this doesn't change my discomfort level at the time, only my mood... but I'll take whatever I can get!)

[LaDiva]

Well, here I go with my mantra again! Please put Reiki on your list of things to consider. It is good for everything that ails you, including the spiritual demons. It is highly likely you will need way more than one treatment, so if you decide to try this, give it a good shot. It has really helped me, and so has watching what I eat. It has taken three years for me to feel better, and I am still working on it. It might help, and might not, just like doxy, Restasis, Azesite and everything else we try. Really sorry you are in such pain Tommyboy. Sending you all good wishes.

PS- Organic helps too!

[tommyboy]

Thanks SAAG - I will try our method staring today

LaDiva - I have tried Reiki a few times and really enjoy it. And also try to get as much food "locally" as I can now at the advice of our nutritionist - as well as organic.

Thanks again!

[bakunin]

Well, fellows

You are dry eyes sufferers but are in front of computer in a sunday
As me, by the way

From age 3 to 15 I studied in a catholic school. But I became and atheist still in my teenage years. I had a fully life, lots of good times, made a lot of things that I remember with a smile on my face til I was 36. But I had a source of stress. I was kind of afraid for the near future. I had no financial or job stability, and many times no perspective of job while I was living with grants. Well, when I was 36 i got a nice job in the public sector that gives me financial stability, and propably for the rest of my life. When I was almost hopeless I got it. I thought with myself: destiny is being really nice to me, what a lucky guy I am. But almost at the same time I got this dry eyes... when I got what I was looking for, I lost my health, my life became surviving.. life became my past existence...
Yes, I thought a couple of times that god exists after that... Man, god exists and is playing with me... he gave what I wanted for so long and at the same time took my health away , and the possibility to enjoy life as before. Or maybe god didn't let the post-lasik dry eyes happens when I was 31 (the age I did it), and gave me the opportunity to deal with it when I had financial and job stability at least.

for whatever reason, my eyes are bad this sunday

good week for all

[Guest]

Thanks SAAG - I will try our method staring today

I sure hope it works for you... I know how nuts it must sound, but it has always worked for getting me out of a funk. Sometimes it's hard to muster up the will to pretend that hard and shove aside all the dark thoughts in my mind, but once I am able to do it, it's smooth sailing from there.

[Hemu]

I have started attending a Happiness Project meetup and am reading a book that offers some steps towards acquiring happiness once again in your life.

I've just started that but just talking to people who are practicing that has helped. I've also started telling more people about what happened to me and what my struggles are and it's helping.

[MartyM1985]

SAAG is a damn saint... my personal opinion. I very much appreciate the time you put in on here.

Hang in there Tommy. Try to let go of the anger. I was mad at myself for a long time, still am during some moments of the day.

Push yourself to let go of all that negative energy. It's not easy, but you'll probably feel better in the end. HANG IN THERE DUDE!

[spmcc]

I'm so sorry about your brand new prescription Wiley Xs. Losing my moisture chambers would make me so upset!

And I'm sorry about your stye. I got a lot of them at the beginning of my eye troubles. Try warm compresses... and see your doctor for some antibiotic ointment.

As for god/God... I do get a little peeved that He can take credit for all the good stuff that happens, but doesn't get blamed for the bad stuff. Oh well. I'm not a believer.

And I'm grumpy too! I don't understand how people can be chipper when they're in pain. I'm going to try SAAG's smile technique. I read about a study showing that botox makes people happy. The researchers think it's because people with botox can't make sad/unhappy faces. Hmmm.

[tommyboy]

Thanks for all the replies ... it feels REALLY nice to get such great responses.

I do have GOOD news ... I do have my glasses! Someone at the MS walk found them and i picked them up yesterday.

When I could not find my glasses ... just the fact that I did not know where they were, for whatever reason I felt a bit 'panicked' ... and I was already in a bad mood for whatever reason.. and you know how it goes .. the combination of pain and dealing with all this all time just plain gets to you.

Thanks again for all the replies and the advice

I am on doxy by the way for the stye SPMCC...

[spmcc]

You found your glasses! Yippee. (I'm practicing SAAG's smile technique)

[Rebecca Petris]

I'm so glad you got your glasses back!

Tommyboy, of all the reasons I could name for why I believe there's so much pain/suffering in this broken old world of ours, God ain't on my list. I don't believe God inflicts harm either maliciously or "benevolently". Not the one I know anyway. And I really resent the kind of theology that pushes that notion. It just doesn't make sense. Even we humans don't behave like that... I know I'm an awfully flawed mom in so many ways but even I would never harm my daughter - not for any amount of ostensible future good. Similarly I do not in a million years believe God wanted me to get a bad LASIK, suffer pain and vision loss so that I would start the dry eye zone, experience eventual positive life changes etc etc. My perspective on it would just be thankfulness for the mercy that somehow amazingly does cause good things to emerge in the wake of harm & even devastation. In that sense - and in that sense alone - I don't have any regrets about what happened to me. Did God do it to me? Nope. A greedy industry and an ophthalmologist who followed all the other well-meaning and not-so-well-meaning and ... well never mind... ophthalmologists down that slippery slope did it to me. And I feel the same way about them now that I did 12 years ago.

I was recently up at a part of Mt St Helens that I had never been to before. That place is so amazing, I could never get tired of it. I was 11 years old when it blew up and the destruction was stunning, breathtaking. Nobody who knew that mountain before it blew could ever think it anything short of tragic that the beauty they knew was obliterated. Yet there's an awesome beauty and sweetness in seeing what the last 33 years have done, how nature's come back. It's not just a barren wilderness anymore. Slow process, but it gives one hope