Arriving at a place of peace?

[LasikLady]

I haven't posted here much but I've been looking around for a while. It's been 15 months since my lasik. Before then I didn't even really know what dry eye was. I sure didn't think I had any symptoms. Now it's in my (almost) every waking thought. I have all those thoughts I've heard others mention here..."Why did I do this to myself", "Why didn't I recogize that maybe, just maybe my eyes were a bit dry even though I never even owned eye drops", "Why didn't I just wear my glasses or contacts and leave myself alone". I probably have what most doctors would say is "mild" dry eye. All I know is that it does keep me from doing things that I used to enjoy. It may not be severe like it was in the beginning but I'm still sick of it! I can't go to malls or mega stores without the burning intensifying. Mostly though what bugs me the most is my eyes never feel totally "normal" even on "good eye days" They always feel at least a little irritated. Maybe I should just be grateful they aren't worse. I have plugs on my bottom punctum, am on Restasis and sleep in gel. I gave up soda and caffeine and drink lots of water. All this has helped, why isn't that good enough for me? All I can remember is how I used to be able to do anything I wanted without giving a thought to my darn eyes and now I have to baby them.
My question is this: And I ask it of the people here that seem so upbeat and getting on with their lives despite their dryeyes. How do I get to that place? How do I let go of the "why didn't I's" and just decide I will now cope the best I can with the mistake I made. How do I stop hating the doctor who did this to me even though I signed the consent but never in a million years thought I'd be the one with the complication. I want peace because honestly worse than my symptoms are all these thoughts and emotional pain that goes along with them. How do I come to terms with it and accept what is. How do I quit worrying about menopause when it comes in the next 5 to 10 years and the hurdle that will be for me? I am an obsessive person by nature (can't ya tell!) and I think this makes the situation even more challenging for me because I tend to obsess about it. I want life to go on, I have SO much to be happy about. How does one achieve that place of peace and acceptance that seems to be so necessary to cope with this condition? Anyone have suggestions?

[Lucy]

[/B]

Anyone have suggestions?

Yes. This post won't be very articulate, but maybe I can shine a little light on things. First, you start by putting one foot in front of the other as you have already been doing. You have managed this far, it wasn't easy, but you did it because you have to. One can't just quit working, living, caring for their kids, family just because they have dry eyes. Even though the dry eyes are "killers" and keep you from doing many things, you struggle as best you can.

You do the things you absolutely must do. If that's go to work, you drag out in the morning and you manage. If it's caring for your baby, you manage that somehow. Lots of the stuff that can wait, does. I suggest you read "Diana's story" if you have not. She has done an excellent job of putting her perspective on paper.

Next, it's only a day at a time. After awhile, days become weeks, and weeks become months. Sometime down the line, you realize "maybe, just maybe, I'm a little better than I was 6 months ago." It's not usually one thing like a lightbulb coming on, or a new drop that brings this to you. If there was a cure, this board wouldn't be here.

"All of us people aren't upbeat and getting on with our lives." Many are struggling just like you are. For me, it's been 8 years. My life changed dramatically. I went on disability at the 5 year mark (I have additional eye problems). I used to tell people that my job was the only thing that kept me going. All of a sudden, I couldn't do it anymore.

The best (and first) thing you should do is to stop blaming yourself. This is the most useless of all our traits! It's also something you have control over. This is not your fault. Please work on that.

Anyone have suggestions?

Please cut yourself some slack and be good to yourself. Try to force youself to do a little exercise each day. A short walk, 10 minutes on the treadmill. Anything to get your mind off your eyes. Go to a movie once in awhile. Treat yourself to a meal out. You may have to really make yourself do this, but it's important to make the effort. You still have room for improvement, being only one and one-half years out from surgery. (Sorry about that statement, but it's true.) Stick around this board and read about the stuff that helps us. You'll be glad you did and so will we. Lucy

[Rojzen]

pursue as much normal-feeling time as possible

LasikLady - -I found your query very eloquent and deeply expressive of something that I believe we all quest after. . .

Lucy has given a beautiful set of pointers that if tried, can really build your momentum on the road back, placing one foot before the other. . .

I would add only that in my experience, and that of some others, wearing protective eyewear that greatly reduces the rate of tear evaporation has been THE essential component of resuming normal life. . .Protective eyewear, for me and others, can produce hours and hours of feeling normal or nearly normal. . .There remain bad and good days. . .But if tear evaporation is part of your problem, moisture chamber glasses, or wraparounds, or, if you don't mind, goggles, could replace what has been taken from you, at least for the moment, through LASIK. . .I waited about 2 years before I had my first moisture chambers made. . .Within the first hour of wear, they completely changed my outlook. . .I've never looked back. . .I continue to try all manner of medications, artificial tears, lid cleansing treatments, but the glasses are THERE for me when nothing else works. . .

If eyewear appeals to you, and you don't find exactly what you'd like here in the shop or through Archives postings, please post here again with questions. . .Members here use all varieties of protective eyewear. . .Also, members here have had varying degrees of success with different products. . .If you pursue this option, just pop the questions, and we'll chime in as appropriate...

[Jade9923]

It is very hard to turn the emotional corner when you are always in pain. We forgive others, we must forgive ourselves. Try to remember that in life, we don't always have control of how things go. You made the decision like millions of others do, 99.9 percent don't have a problem with it. You unfortunately were one of the unlucky ones. Such is life. It's not fair but what can we really do about it.

You may want to plug the uppers. I never got any relief from just plugging the lowers.

[brd888]

Hi

Hi.
I don't know if this is any comfort but some people, like me, also have developed dry eye without laser surgery or contact use. I'm not saying you might have got it without laser but at least you have a definite cause and prospect of continued healing for 5 years.
Regards.

[stella]

Hi Lasiklady!
First let me say that my heart goes out to you - It is NOT easy
Here are a few mental mechanisms that work for me
1 --- One day at a time is essential I have suffered post natal depression in my day and that principle + prayer got me through and if you cant get through the day - divide it up into morning afternoon and evening (and night )Just get through the morning and tell yourself you have done well ,then the afternoon and so on(after all if you were faced with washing a thousand dishes you would be overwhelmed - but if you did 50 every couple of hours you would manage it - you get my meaning)
2 ---Never long for what you hav'nt got - like complete freedom from symptoms - That is the road to nowhere but frustration and anger and self pity
3 ---Look at others worse off than you and you will be thankful for what you have
4 ---Try to forgive those lousy docs who did your eyes - The only person you hurt if you dont forgive is YOU and they have a hold on you for life - Give that up (forgiveness is not a feeling -its a decission on a daily basis until it becomes a habit)
5 --- Major on your successes in life - dry eye and otherwise.Its worth keeping a diary of ONLY THE GOOD AND BETTER TIMES you have and remember your feelings do not neccesarily reflect the reality of the situation - feelings are notoriously fickle dont you think
6 --- Try to re-educate yourself to think differently - not easy - I work on this constantly
7 --- Get involved with other people - worse off than yourself (always a constructive way to help one in difficult times)
That is not an exhaustive list and i have to say that it is "a council of perfection " and i have not achieved it all by any means - but i am having a darned good try - and i am so much better
All the best

[Rebecca Petris]

It is very hard to turn the emotional corner when you are always in pain.

Sure nailed that one, Jade!!!

And there are no hard and fast answers. Everyone is different and has different needs and different ways of coping. Those of us who have been around the boards for years have seen a lot of common patterns, though. For example...

Some people gradually climb out, step by painful step, with patience and schooling themselves not to look too far past TODAY'S needs and TODAY'S achievements - a la Lucy's and Stella's and others' excellent suggestions - until one day they suddenly realize how very far they have come.

Some people cannot hope to make any progress with the eyes until and unless they focus all available resources on getting treatment for depression.

Some people's most urgent need is to get some reliable, effective method of pain relief before they can take any long-term steps towards better diagnosis, treatment, life coping, etc. - very much as Rojzen describes about how her moisture chambers provided such a breakthrough: "I continue to try all manner of medications, artificial tears, lid cleansing treatments, but the glasses are THERE for me when nothing else works".

For this 3rd category... there are all kinds of ideas that might become their "It's THERE for me" tool or trick. It might be as sophisticated as a very costly moisture chamber, it might be as simple as ice or a midday nap. But one of the reasons I've increasingly become a proponent of moisture retention (be it tranquileyes, Panoptx, sclerals or other) is that - while of course nothing is 100% - these are the types of things that appear to ME to have historically helped the most people quickly get to a point of having something reliable that they can fall back on.

[dianat]

LasikLady,

Just so you know, I understand everything you are saying here. I sounded just like you years ago. I wondered if I'd ever enjoy anything again, and didn't know how to get my mind off my eyes. I thought about them and struggled with them almost 24/7. I am also a LASIK casualty, and also don't recall feeling as though I had dry eye prior to LASIK, although contact lens intolerance was an important clue.

For the record, I consider myself in a manageable place with regard to my eyes. I struggle daily, but am far better than in the early years post-LASIK. Some days I actually have the nerve to complain that I cannot wear eye makeup. This is a far cry from where I was in '02 when I barely got out of bed and rarely managed a shower.

So here's where I am today...Tuesday, not today in the general sense. I met a friend for breakfast. She's one of my more thoughtful and intellectual friends. She's one who has actually taken the time to understand my eye condition. She asked me, "How are the eyes today?" I respond with a quick, "Lousy today. Geez, I'm really starving. What are you having? I think I'll get pancakes." I honestly don't recall thinking about my eyes again during the rest of our meal. Not even once.

I prayed long ago to finally arrive here and it did work. I knew better than to pray for an out-and-out miracle, but figured I'd sound less selfish to God if I simply asked for manageability. And I got it. I also think I got a little help with the mental coping, as well...little adjustment to the situation. This took time, however. It took years.

As you slowly arrive at this peaceful place, there are a few things you need to be doing. Yes, read all the stuff posted here about all the rituals for your eyes. They are invaluable. Find what works and stick to it. Rebecca has posted a new "Top Tips for New Member" forum. It's a great place to start. Try plugs in the upper punctae.

But aside from all the physiological things you will learn, you'll need to take on your mental health and happiness. I'm no expert in this, but since I feel I've finally "arrived" I'll mention a few things that worked.

First off, and I know I'm repeating things here, but LOSE THE GUILT.

Did you intend to induce harm upon yourself?! Did you want to be in pain all night and all day? Were you trying to offend the happiness and satisfaction you'd built upon your whole life? If you had intended all these horrible things, you likely would have chosen another path of destruction than LASIK. The chances of arriving safe and sound on the other side of LASIK were really high, my friend.

So, quit beating yourself up. You don't have the mental energy for it and it will get in the way of your healing. While you're at it, forget hating your surgeon as well. As much as he is at fault for trusting in this surgery and is probably a bastard for being lousy with your follow-up, he didn't intend for you to be miserable either. We don't have time to waste even thinking about him. And I don't do it. I'll admit I don't like when I drive past his office, but that's the only discomfort I will allow.

You also need to make some fun for yourself. Do things that you can do comfortably so as not to dwell on the things that you cannot. We are still forced into plenty of uncomfortable situations, but make time for the easier ones. Listen to audio books when you would normally be reading. Listen to music instead of watching television. Go to movies where you can where goggles and feel self-conscious. I love riding a road bike. I rode like crazy all summer wearing my Panoptx. I looked normal in foam goggles. Fortunately, being outdoors has gotten easier using my goggles. I'm very light sensitive and sensitive to the air. I feel lucky I get out there as much as I do.

One thing I'd like to mention is that I don't give up everything I love just for the sake of my eyes. I feel no different whether I drink caffeine, chocolate, alcohol...I just don't. Some probably notice it. Just be sure before you give up God's gifts that you are certain it makes a difference in your eyes. I swear chocolate makes me feel better on a bad day. We've got to enjoy something some of the time.

I guess the bottom line for you, LasikLady, is that you'll adjust. You truly will. It's the gift we all receive eventually when we experience loss. It takes time to be sure, but you'll get there.

Diana

[Lucy]

I do a majorly stupid thing for my dry eyes! I go to a casino every chance I get. It isn't all that often, perhaps every couple/few months. The atmosphere is smoky and reeks. It is the worst place to be for eyes like ours.

I don't go into smoky bars, restaurants etc because it's not worth it. However, I will wear my Panoptx goggles and prance into any casino and totally enjoy myself. It's worth it, no matter the cost to my eyes. This is one thing I will not stop doing as long as I have a few nickels to rub together.

RE Diana: She has 3 (THREE) small kids and has managed through this. She had her youngest during her dry eye run, as she had planned. (I thought she was nuts.)
I can't imagine this, but she does it. Since I don't have to do it, I think it's impossible. I worked at my job as a secretary through my first 5 years of this and don't know how I managed. I often thought it was my job that kept me going. Individually, we have all stepped up "to our plate" and in our own way, made it to the other side.

Dry Eye Zone has been paramount in many of our dry eye runs. There is always someone here who understands.
Lucy

[LasikLady]

Thank you to all of you for your words of encouragment and suggestions. Reading them has been both a humbling and encouraging experience. I am humbled because there are those out there with worse symptoms who have been coping much better than I have. I am encouraged because reading how you all have gotten on with your life, despite this condition, gives me hope that I too will find a new normal and be happy again. That is my goal now, not to have this condition removed from my life. That would be great, but I need to learn to cope and be happy anyway. So there's where my focus will be. At least I will try to put my focus there. It is probably a process.

I did learn about Panoptyx from this site months ago. I own 2 pairs, a clear pair that turns darker in the sun but I can use in the house when I need to and a darker pair for outdoors and in the car. I think they are AWESOME! They were expensive but when I wear them I can usually get my pain level to zero. I do have problems when I use them in the car and turn on the defroster or heater, the lenses fog up on me. I bought an anti fog spray but they still fog up sometimes in those situations. But basically yes, I love these glasses and they have been a powerful coping tool. I only wish I had the guts to wear them in the store or mall. I hate it when people stare at me but hopefully I will get over this.

I only have the bottom puctum plugged because the corneal specialist who did them doesn't ever plug the top holes. I don't exactly know why he won't. I think maybe he thinks it's unhealthy for some reason. He told me that when my eyes weren't that dry then they would tear excessively. I don't think that would ever be a problem. I'm not sure what his deal is with this but I will talk to him about it again at my next appt. I think it would help me.

I stopped drinking diet soda because I will try anything to see if it makes a difference. I was drinking the diet without caffeine and lots of it. I have been off it for a few days and maybe it's mental but I am feeling a bit better. But it's hard to tell, I have good days and bad days and there doesn't seem to be much rhyme or reason to them.

This is a horrible journey that I never would have chosen to take. I can only hope it will make me a stronger person. I am glad I am not in this alone yet I am sorry any of us has to be here.

Thank you for reaching out to me. It has been a great comfort and I will take all of your suggestions to heart.

[dianat]

Lucy has offered to babysit for me next weekend so Gary and I can get away. Isn't that great of her?!

[dianat]

LasikLady,

You might start a dialog with the Panoptx folks about the fogging. They may have some ideas for you. I get fog a bit, but not enough to really bother me. I notice it is much worse if my goggles have recently been washed and are not totally dry.

[calli66]

I only have the bottom puctum plugged because the corneal specialist who did them doesn't ever plug the top holes. I don't exactly know why he won't. I think maybe he thinks it's unhealthy for some reason. He told me that when my eyes weren't that dry then they would tear excessively. I don't think that would ever be a problem.

Comment on this: upper plugs didn't work for me, even though my eyes are very dry. There weren't excessive tears, but the extra moisture in the inner corners of my eye (the skin and eyelids) became inflamed--my eyelids were a mess for the 6 weeks (October-Nov 07) I had the upper plugs. Lots of mucous, constant itching, cracking skin, pain, swelling.

As soon as I had the uppers removed my eyes got 80% better, and are still fine with only lower plugs. I stopped using Restasis completely and quit wearing contact lenses. Saw my eye doctor yesterday, and he concurred--I had no dry spots on the cornea and the blepharitis was gone. When I mentioned I had quit using Restasis, he said the "rep" had come in the clinic a few days ago, and had mentioned something about the castor oil used in the drops---how some people are allergic to it...Heck, I already knew that---thanks to Dry Eye Zone.

Go ahead and ask your doctor why he's against upper plugs.... because they DO work for some people. The only way to know for sure is to try them (but get the kind that can be removed easily).

Calli

[Rebecca Petris]

When I mentioned I had quit using Restasis, he said the "rep" had come in the clinic a few days ago, and had mentioned something about the castor oil used in the drops---how some people are allergic to it...Heck, I already knew that---thanks to Dry Eye Zone.

I wonder if any of the reps read The Dry Eye Digest

[GeorgeT]

LasikLady,
Try to find another doctor and have the upper plugs in. There is a huge difference between having 2 and 4 plugs.
When I had only lower ones I saw almost no difference.
Consider also (this is most important) the moisture chamber glasses. They make a serious difference.

Good Luck!!!

George

PS I even started to use the moisture chamber glasses at night for a few hours and get through the night.