I hate it

[desertcry]

I hate it. I hate myself for making the stuipid decision to have PRK. Why did I do that? Why did I cause my own suffering. I was dreaming before the operation. Dreaming of being contact lens free and being able to be outside in nature (in the forest or on a hill) and being able to see without problems.

I always had problems with contact lenses. First I had soft lens- then I was told that I had neovascularisation- blood vessels were growing towards my cornea because of lack of oxygen. I then needed to switch to hard lenses -but they were always uncomfortable.

I tried glasses but it was hard. I envisioned myself not being able to do things with glasses. Not being able to sport. Also, I have social phobia and PDD-NOS and I couldn´t adapt to those thick glasses (being -8 D) easily.

Also, I didn´t like the way I looked with glasses- I had even less confidence.

What was there to do? But to jump in a pool of risks and throw a dice that only "god" should be throwing. It´s crazy and I hate it. A large part of my cornea has been burnt off and all voluntarily.

Now, scratcy burning and often pouring eyes. It feels like a downhill slide to hell. To top it off my work envolves always using the computer.

dumb. dumb. dumb. You know, I´ve actually juggled pigs eyes before. I´ve held them in my hands and used optics to look at the cornea and lens. I know what happens when they dehydrate. I´ve seen what happens when water is dropped on the surface.

It´s been 10 months since I´ve had my PRK operation and I see myself using eye drops forever. I see myself dripping every hour, every day, for every year. I don´t even know if I´m insured for life to get these eye drops. I don´t know where to get hope and happiness.


Thanks for letting me write this here.

Desert Cry

[MyDryEyes]

I feel your pain!!

Desertcry -

I am in exactly the same place that you are!! I had PRK 7 1/2 months ago and now find myself suffering from severe dry eyes. I simply walk down a hall way and can feel my right eye get all dried out!!

No one can gaurantee that we will get better, but don't lose all hope yet. You are still within the healing period!! With high prescriptions like ours, the healing process can take much longer. And, the hardest part for us in these early days is starting to learn how to cope with something that is disabling. But we will learn. We have to.

I don't know if I can find the words to help you, because I feel the same way. What I do know is that all of the negative self talk swirling in my head doesn't help a thing, but it sure is hard to make it stop. PLEASE - don't blame yourself. It sounds like you might have had a condition that made you a high risk candidate. If you need somebody to blame right now, blame your doctors! Blame the entire laser surgery industry for even existing if even one person is harmed. You went into this thinking that it would make your life better and you couldn't know the consequences once you got to the other side. Nobody, not one person would choose this surgery if they knew that it would harm them. And you wouldn't have either. It is not your fault.

Right now we both have to work really, really hard to get through the day. Just breath, meditate - take it step by slow step. Rest and relax. Cry if you need to. Take care of yourself. One thing that has been a huge help to me are audio books. It let's me go someplace else for a while. But, most of all, please know that there is somebody out there just like you and that is me. You are not alone.

Also, about the computer work. I run a humidifier all day long and put it right by my head. Maybe this would help you too?? I also run a kitchen timer for five minutes. It reminds me to stop and rest my eyes. This has really helped me alot. I am somewhat more functional by the end of the day and my headaches have diminished.

I had -11.75 D in left eye and -12 D in right eye!!! Thus, I fear my precious corneal nerves are gone forever. Just think of all the tissue they had to take!I completely understand how much you hated those damned ugly glasses. The desire to be free of them is such a strong feeling that sometimes I feel like I didn't truly think through the consequences of my surgery. Yet, at the same time, the doctors didn't really inform me of them. I had no idea what dry eye was until I developed it.

Do you know how to private message on this board? Contact me if you want. I am more than happy to chat on the phone. Maybe we could be a support system for each other through this difficult time.

DesertCry - I am sending out healing thoughts to you. Please, take care.

In health,

MyDryEyes

[Maenad1]

I'm sorry to hear of your suffering, both physically and emotionally. Nobody should have to go through that. It just isn't fair. ((hugs))

I really wish there were a better treatment or solution for us high myopes. Glasses, contacts and surgeries all have so many negatives.

[dianat]

(((Hugs))) all around.

I'm so sorry to hear such despair from any human being, particularly post-refractive surgery patients with whom I feel such a strong connection.

I experienced this very same thing for two plus years following my LASIK surgery. I don't think I ever expected to make it out of that hell...at least not entirely. And you can be sure I don't ever, ever want to feel that helplessness again.

I did pull myself out of that, entirely out, but it was one heck of a journey. The memories of that struggle are what keep me coming back to this board to offer whatever tidbit of courage I can to those who struggle with this maddening and debilitating condition.

I will tell you this, I did not do it alone. I went on an antidepressant and somehow found the energy to find the right docs who would at least listen and try new things. There were many failed attempts. But, I finally drafted my "team" and declared myself the coach.

One member of this team was a pain doctor. You all might consider such a doctor to get you through this. I was uncomfortable with the notion that I might be his patient forever, but he was extremely understanding, could truly see my pain and the mental anguish that came with it. He had the techniques and the sympathy to go with it. What's more, he would try anything that he felt would give me relief.

This doctor was an important player in my journey to managing the comfort of my eyes. He was not ultimately responsible for my "turning the corner", but his support helped keep me afloat while I tried new things and gave my eyes the time they needed to heal.

Please, elect the help of any professional you think might help you. Try everything you can try. Take care of yourself and rest. There is most certainly healing taking place in those eyes. Those nerves will continue to heal.

In the meantime, I've been intrigued with Rojzen's posts about Dr. Holly's drops sold on this site. Consider these drops as part of your therapy for your eyes, not just for temporary relief.

Lastly, as you mentally process all that is happening right now, do find distractions for yourselves. Audiobooks were great for me in some of my darkest hours. I listened to stories I knew to be enjoyable, and appreciated the distraction from eye pain and the fact that I could close my eyes.

Prayer was a great help to me as well. I found tremendous comfort in prayer throughout this time. I will keep all of you in my own prayers now in the hope that your pain, mental anguish and frustrations will soon be diminished.

Diana

[lboogie]

Hi,
I'm feeling really scared and regrettful of my decision to have lasik also. A really big part of my life is playing on a competitve ultimate frisbee team, we practice and travel to tournaments. I am 29 and had lasik 3 months ago.

Currently being outside for 2 hours is hard on my eyes -- I don't know if I'll be able to play much this season. I know the panoptix are an option, but I'm afraid of having to confess to my friends and teammates about what hard time I'm having. I have 2 teammates even who have had lasik -- and they are just great. Only my boyfriend and family know the extend to which I'm having problems, so it's hard.

I'm usually a very motivated and athletic and healthy person -- since I've been having troubles with dry eyes and headaches I've gained weight and been consumed with worry and have trouble motivating to do anything really. I just worry about forever changing my quality of life. When this was supposed to make it better.

I guess I also feel really selfish -- like would I choose to do this, when I didn't really need to? I just always thought how great it would be to not need contacts or glasses. It's such a scary place to be right now.

[Judy]

More hugs... I feel all of your pain, although I did not have lasik eye surgery. At one time, I probably would have if my eye dr. had been willing. He said he was waiting for newer technology. By the time he got into it (and actually started pushing me to think in that direction), my eyes were so dry and red that I was afraid to do anything further that might damage them. He did say people with dry eyes have more trouble. And, that we could go super heavy on the steriod eye drops to whiten the eyes up ahead of the surgery and that I would need lots of eyedrops for moisture initially after the surgery. I thank God I did not do the surgery. My dry red eyes have affected my life greatly as well, however, things are better than they could be for me right now. You are all in my prayers... Once you get a routine in place with eyelid scrubs, warm rice baggies, Restasis, and other eyedrops, things WILL gradually improve... One day you will notice "Wow, things are better"... Seriously...

[Rebecca Petris]

He did say people with dry eyes have more trouble. And, that we could go super heavy on the steriod eye drops to whiten the eyes up ahead of the surgery

(Shudder)

Superficially altering dryness to temporarily produce a healthier ocular surface just long enough for LASIK... ugh.

I have a real problem with this kind of attitude to dryness and laser surgery. I remember a few years ago at a medical conference listening to one of the top industry leaders saying from the podium "...And for the ones that are REALLY really dry, we start them on Restasis 2 months before surgery and blah blah blah..." I understand that where THEY'RE coming from is simply that if they can temporarily reduce dryness to a manageable level, it will give the patient a better chance to heal... so as to have better vision afterwards. But this approach is IMO just plain wrong when thinking of the patient's overall wellbeing.

Amusingly, the same day, I was sitting next to another surgeon at dinner who told me that the speaker is a high myope with dry eyes who has not had laser surgery, and added, "When XXX gets it done, I will, but not before."

[Guest]

Desertcry,

I read your original post with great trepidation because I can associate with where you are at because I too have been at that point.

It is probably not going to make much difference at the moment and you probably won't believe me when I say that things do improve.

It is now 2 years since my surgery and my first 6-12 months were sheer hell, the next 6 weren't a great deal better, the next 6 marginally better.

The point I am making is that you may notice that I have had an improvement in my condition although it has been long and painful, it is real and it has happened. Dr L's book gave me hope when he said it can take 5 years for the nerves to regenerate.

Whilst 5 years seems a lifetime away, I live every day of my life in hope that one day I can post on this board that I am cured from my condition.

Not only have I learnt to live with my condition better, my occular health has actually improved also.

In my early days I was using drops every 15 minutes just to get me through the day, my eyes were really red, sore and burning. I still have some of these symptoms but they are far less than they were.

All I can say to you is that regretting your decision won't help at all. Holding yourself responsible is also not a practical solution as you did not choose this. It is something that just happens. Someone posted recently that the 5% (or whatever % you want to use) of cases makes the rest of the cases a success.

Sure I would give my eye teeth (yes they are still mine) to turn back the clock and reverse my decision to have the surgery, the reality is I can't and never will be able to so all I can do is try to control my circumstances and environment as best as possible and live my life to the fullest I possibly can as I am not going to get a second go at it.

I have always been a positive person but dry eyes really did kick my positive attitude to bits until I found the strength to accept it, deal with it and get back on my journey.

My thoughts are with you, MyDryEyes, lboogie and others that are struggling with this at this moment in time.

If nothing else, take comfort from the fact that you are not walking this path alone, I have made some wonderful friends on this board and I sincerely hope that we can help you all through this patch as others have helped me.

Warm regards

Ian

[MyDryEyes]

Wow! I am so grateful for all of you incredibly kind and supportive people out there who can relate to what a few of us are going through right now. My greatest struggle right now is that it seems like I am getting worse, not better. It is so disappointing.

The thing that worries me is that Dr. L also states that for people who had PRK the nerves regenerate in as little as one year, as compared with LASIK which can take 5 years. I really would like to know that I have a longer recovery period. That one year marker for me seems really scary, especially if I have seen little or no improvement. Does anybody know if it actually can take longer even with PRK?

I am 29 and had lasik 3 months ago.

It is VERY early on in your recovery. You have lots of time to heal

I'm usually a very motivated and athletic and healthy person -- since I've been having troubles with dry eyes and headaches I've gained weight and been consumed with worry and have trouble motivating to do anything really. I just worry about forever changing my quality of life. When this was supposed to make it better.

Me too!! I am 32 and my whole life with my husband has revolved aroung the outdoors. I am terrifed of the profound impact this will have on our relationship and our wonderful life we have together. This has been so hard on him too!! Plus my best running buddy, my dog, is going crazy and getting fat. I feel so guilty for these things. Running has always been my greatest stress relief and now I can barely walk outside for 7 minutes without dryness and pain. Even with protective eyewear - which scares the crap out of me. I too have gained weight and lost motivation. I don't know if this helps you, but I am in the exact same boat.

DianaT, you suggest a "team" of doctors. Any good tips on how to start doing this? It seems really hard to find good doctors - and I must say that I have a profound mistrust for the allopathic medical community at this point. Are pain doctors usually M.D.s that specialize in pain management??

I guess I am in for the long haul with this one. Sigh. I really look forward to the day when I manage this better and I am not filled with overwhelming depression, guilt and anxiety. Thanks so much for all of the kind words.

MDE

[dianat]

Oh yeah, in all my jabbering in my previous post I forgot to mention one of the most important things: lose the guilt.

Guilt gets in the way of your mental and physical healing. It's painful, it's not progressive and it's a huge waste of your valuable time. Do your best to rid yourself of it. Natalie said recently not to forget that the blame for our surgery results rests squarely on the surgeon. I must agree.

You never intended to take this miserable path. If you knowingly caused yourself this kind of life-altering pain, frustration and depression, then by all means feel guilty. If not, don't carry it.

I'll PM you later today as well, MDE.

[MyDryEyes]

Thanks DianaT! I know that losing the guilt is key - I am working at it!!

[lboogie]

Hi MDE,
I sent you a PM, I'd love to stay in touch -- I feel we are in the same boat. I need every bit of help I can get right now.

[desertcry]

thanks

Thankyou everyone for your hugs and encouragement. I´m sorry for posting such a negative message. I thought I had the strength and determination to fight...


@MyDryEyes:

We are in the same boat and I agree that we shouldn´t blame ourselves... although it´s easier said then done I´m sorry that things seem to be getting worse. I too of course want to know if healing can take longer than a year with PRK. Did you read the article about subbasal nerve density in the Medical literature category? There it says it takes 2 years to recover. Hopefully this means that dry eye symptoms can also impove in this period.

Of course I want to stay in contact with you. I want to know what things are helping and how you are doing.

@Rebecca Petris
You have taken your experiences and used it to help others. Thank you for moderating this forum and the other one: lasermyeyes.org

Desert Cry

[MyDryEyes]

Did you read the article about subbasal nerve density in the Medical literature category? There it says it takes 2 years to recover. Hopefully this means that dry eye symptoms can also impove in this period.Desert Cry

No, I haven't read the article, I will be sure to check it out.

Of course I want to stay in contact with you. I want to know what things are helping and how you are doing. Desert Cry

Please do!! Feel free to PM anytime.

In health,

MDE

[Guest]

The thing that worries me is that Dr. L also states that for people who had PRK the nerves regenerate in as little as one year, as compared with LASIK which can take 5 years. I really would like to know that I have a longer recovery period. That one year marker for me seems really scary, especially if I have seen little or no improvement. Does anybody know if it actually can take longer even with PRK?

MDE, I had epi-lasek which in the UK as billed as an upgraded PRK. Not particularly sure if I would agree with this definition.

To be honest, I don't know how long it takes, as we have all discovered through this is that everyone heals at a different rate.

Your reply initially dashed my hopes as I am nearly 2.5 years post op and well past the 12 month period but I am still holding out hope it will be resolved with time.

My view on this is that for many many months I had lots of damage through RCE's, now that I think they are largely under control, I am hoping that the nerve regeneration will continue.

Again, I wish you well and hope that we will all be out of this boat and on dry land before much longer.

Regards

Ian