good weekend/ bad work day

[lboogie]

Hi all,
I hate my mental state......I had a pretty good weekend -- I kept really busy with house work and projects, and my eyes actually felt okay. I even went on a very short bike ride (with sunlglasses of coures). AND I met my dry eye buddy!!

But I'm back at work and that seems to be when I obsess and freak out all over again. Plus my work does dry my eyes out a bit. I'm pretty much self-managed at work -- so that's hard too............I have self-imposed deadlines and plans but not like anyone breathing down my neck or working directly with customers or anything.

I try to focus on the good things, like my eyes feeling better -- but then I have set backs and then I just think about the terrible floaters during the day and messed up night vision and ugly, irritated yes -- and I feel so overwhelmed. I guess that's the key word -- overwhelmed and perhpas still in shock over "why did this happen to me? why am I the 5% of complications?"

I'm waiting on a mental health appointment -- I know that will help. And thanks for listening everyone..............many of you have said kind words and I value your thoughts and ideas.

Just feeling sad today I guess.

[Guest]

lboogie

Just wanted to give you some reassurance from a fellow sufferer with very similar mental state at the moment.

Like you, I find that my weekends generally seem OK and come a work day my symptoms "seem" to escalate 500%.

I am wondering how much of it is mind over matter but lately I seem to be developing better procastinating skills. I just don't have the same attitude towards work since my dry eye developed. Prior to my surgery I used to be a workaholic and loved my work, these days, I feel as though I couldn't care less about work, not only does that sadden me, it also scares me sometimes when I sit down to do my accounts.

It is my view that this is yet another "Stage" you go through and sooner rather than later we get back on track, it is just frustrating and yet another symptom of the disease in my opinion.

Hang in there, my thoughts are with you and I hope your days improve.

Ian

[Natalie06]

I just don't have the same attitude towards work since my dry eye developed. Prior to my surgery I used to be a workaholic and loved my work, these days, I feel as though I couldn't care less about work, not only does that sadden me, it also scares me sometimes when I sit down to do my accounts. Ian

I feel both your pain. I have been off work this week and while my eyes are in no way cured and time spent outside working on my yard has aggravated them, it's nothing compared to a day spent under flourescent lights, starting at a computer and a lot of excel spreadsheets in a climate controlled environment. And I can always take a nap to rest my eyes. I have not found a way to do that inconspicuously at work yet.

It's very hard to get up every day and go in to work knowing that by the end of the day, I will most likely be miserable. And my witching hour is around 2pm when it seems that the eye drops are nothing but I "drop in the bucket" so to speak. I have become the worst sort of clock watcher. I try not to think about 20 more years of this before I can retire. And I try to keep the faith that eventually my corneal nerves may recover or something now in clinical trials may help.

Natalie

Ian, I have been on a kick of British films lately and just saw Saving Grace, shot around Yorkshire I believe. Being a bit of an anglophile, I would love to come see Yorkshire someday and maybe look you up! I was also a big, big fan of James Herriot and always wanted to see the Yorkshire Dales that he wrote of.

[Guest]

Ian, I have been on a kick of British films lately and just saw Saving Grace, shot around Yorkshire I believe. Being a bit of an anglophile, I would love to come see Yorkshire someday and maybe look you up! I was also a big, big fan of James Herriot and always wanted to see the Yorkshire Dales that he wrote of.

Natalie

I am certainly biased and I don't want to offend my other UK dry eye buddies, but Yorkshire is certainly a stunning part of this country.

It was quite funny when I discovered that some of the villages featured on British TV are actually live real places.

We have visited the "set" of Heartbeat (filmed in Gothland - North Yorkshire Moors) and Last of the Summer Wine (Holmfirth - West Yorkshire) among others.

I am not sure but I think Saving Grace was largely filmed on the Cornish Coast (yet another beautiful part of the country) but I could be wrong.

Barnsley (my town or tarn for any locals reading this) is not a thriving metropolis but it is a great place to live. The town is experiencing a growth and injection of investment from a regeneration program and the fact that I have some pretty amazing views of the countryside from every roomm in my house makes it an enjoyable place to live.

Working, particularly from home becomes more enjoyable when you can look out your office window at a pretty amazing view of the Pennines to the right and town centre to the left. I use this as a reason to take a break and rest my eyes as often as possible.

If you decide to make the journey to experience this beautiful countryside for yourself, it would be great to catch up.

Maybe we could organise a Dry Eye conference in the Yorkshire.

Warm regards

Ian

[dianat]

I'm a Herriot reader as well! Not very many around here know of his books. Count me in on the Yorkshire conference!

[Natalie06]

Ian, you are right!

Saving Grace was Cornwall now that you mention it but Calendar Girls was Yorkshire I think?

It was all beautiful!

Diana, my favorite JH story was about Cedric, the flatulent dog. And I just loved Tristan.

A Dry Eye Conference and vacation in the Yorkshire Dales sounds like something to look forward to.

[MyDryEyes]

How do you stop the self blame?

lboogie,

Thanks for starting this post! You know I am in the same place as you. I am the dry eye buddy she got to meet over the weekend!!

I keep torturing myself - I re-read my consent form yesterday and was horrified by all the risks listed on the form. Why didn't I think this through more? I was certainly at high risk for halos (which I have and are getting worse, so much so that it is affecting my night vision) - thin corneas and a high myope. Yet, nobody pointed this out to me or said that maybe I shouldn't do it. It was specifically listed on the consent form that thin corneas and high myopes are at greater risk for this. But I just didn't put it together in my brain that this is me!! I think maybe I wanted so badly to have good vision free of contacts and big old heavy glasses, that I didn't think through the risk. Or I thought that so many people do this and are fine. It won't be me with the side effects!!

Based on what the doctors told me, I really thought I was a good candidate for this surgery!! I am so thourough and resourceful in all that I do, yet with this, I didn't bother to get a second opinion. So many had told me that my surgeon was the best in town, so I just assumed that they would tell me if I was high risk for anything.

Now, here I sit with severe dry eyes that affect everything I do, halos, vision problems and I suspect other developing vision problems.

I am scared to the bone and really feel like I made some mistakes in this process.

Can any of you "old timers" out there explaing how you lost the guilt, regret and self blame?

MDE

[odydnas]

lboogie, I can emphatize with you COMPLETELY. I feel like weekends are great because it is MY time, and I have more control on how my eyes feel. I spend more time babying my eyes. And if I go anywhere that makes me feel absolutely awful, I can pretty much leave anytime I want.

But work makes me so anxious, because I know that by 12 pm, I will be in intense pain. But I can't just pack up and leave at noon every day at work. My work ethnic and quality of my work has definitely taken a beating. I run less experiments, I no longer read journal articles, I cannot pay attention during meetings and seminars. I no longer want to go to grad school to become a scientist because the long hours petrify me!

Hang in there everyone, things will get better. And besides, it's almost Friday!

[Lucy]

lboogie and MDE........if you took the time to meet each other, that is a wonderful "gift" that can be very therapeutic. Just to look another in the eyes and talk with them can go a long way to healing eventually.

You are both very early in the healing process (I know it doesn't seem like it) and you will get better. Your feelings and your pain will not be so close to the surface in another 6 months or year. Time and patience is the best thing going for you in dealing with dry eyes and other refractive problems.
Check in on the boards once in awhile, don't be obsessive though as that's not good and it doesn't let you "get away" from your eyes and looking at the computer makes them worse.

A bike ride was perfect (while wearing your protective eyewear) for a bit of time without worrying. It's hard to think of dry eyes and ride a bike. Same with swimming or any exercise. Good luck to both and you, too, Odydnas.
Lucy

[mary kenny badami]

lboogie and MDE -- what Lucy said, everything she said yes, I agree, 100%. How grand to meet in "Real Life" a dry eye and/or post-Lasik internet friend! My memorable experiences include meeting Rebecca (who stopped overnight in my home town in Pennsylvania during a cross-country trip), and Cindy and Lucy and DianaT (at a dry eye support group meeting which Rebecca organized in Florida), and Moose from SurgicalEyes (who picked me up at my adult son's home in DC to take me to dinner at Outback Steak House. I am in my 60s, and Moose is at least two decades younger, and we all just fell apart laughing when my son said -- with tongue planted firmly in cheek -- "Please be sure to bring my mother home by a reasonable hour" ). And thanks to the meeting in Florida, I even got to meet my hero, Dr. Holly!