It has been a long time. . .

[MyDryEyes]

since I have posted. Thanks to Mother Mary Kenny Badami's wonderful advice, I have been trying to temper my OCD related to DEZ.

But, alas, I am still out here suffering from dry eyes. I have seen some CRAZY docs in the past month, started Restasis, got plugged again (see post in the Plugs section) and went to my first social event in about a year. My attempt to re-enter the social world was rather challenging.

I saw many dear friends who, of course, bombarded me with questions regarding my eyes. And some that were not so dear, but bombarded me anyway. Geez, it was tough and made me want to scream. Or maybe just cry. At least my eyes felt decent. Until this morning.

I tried my best to keep my chin up and shoulders back even when people I have met several times didn't recognize me with my fancy Wiley goggles, an extra 30 lbs (oh my God) and long hair.

Chit chat about wonderful trips to Europe, a hugely pregnant woman, and all those newly admitted to graduate school made me want to jump up on my friend's brand new leather couch and scream "shut up about your wonderful lives." But instead I just nodded politely and tried to be really, really glad for the successes of my friends. And a quiet reminder to myself that it is possible for me to get back to all of those normal, human activities. It could be worse. It can always be worse. And just think of all the fabulous, wonderful friends I have made through this very website.

I am rambling now and perhaps you all don't want to hear my rantings.

Take care all and keep those eyes moist.

MDE

[odydnas]

Hi MyDryEyes,

I am sorry to hear that you are suffering. But I congratulate you on at least trying to be social. I know it is extremely difficult.

I have been very anti-social lately, and yes, it is due to the pain, but it also has a lot to do with me not wanting to hear about everyone else's wonderful lives. I don't want to hear about someone's recent trip to Europe, or someone's kayaking adventure, or someone getting into grad school because those were the things that I was supposed to do. I commend you for getting out there and not having people drive you insane. The thing that kills me is that people don't understand, and most don't even want to try to understand, because they're too busy wrapped up in their own wonderful lives.

I don't know how to make you feel better, I wish I could. But the only thing I can say is that I can relate. I know and understand what you are going through and you are not alone....I hope that makes you feel a little better or at least, a little less lonely. I am not the same person as I was pre-dry eyes, and I think that even if I did get miraculously better, I will never be the same happy person again. I have really lost faith in most people because no one seems to be able to care outside of caring for themselves. Ok now I'm rambling....

[mary kenny badami]

Dear MDE --

I’m so proud of you for having stayed away from DETalk -- not just from posting, but even from reading here -- at a time when your frequent visits were turning obsessive and worrisome, rather than being helpful to your emotions, and/or useful in terms of specific information regarding your eye situation . . .

And impressed that you've continued your quest for improvement, however frustrating, by working with (or despite) your zany docs, which includes trying a variety of possible remedies . . .

I’m especially awed that you ventured out to a real social event, one where you even WORE YOUR GOGGLES -- Bravo, Bravo!

MDE, you have your sorrows, and we are privileged to share them with you here. I would not for a moment underestimate or diminish your current pain, disappointment, and grieving for the positive things you thought life would bring sooner rather than later . . . but <face it, you knew there was a “qualifier” coming> . . . I’m trusting that for you these are dreams deferred rather than denied.

Your post led me to think about something it took me years to learn. It was how to maintain balance whenever I looked with even a smidgeon of jealousy or regret at family, dear friends, casual friends, business acquaintances, and public figures, anyone whose lives seemed somehow to be more successful or more privileged than my own. This is MY life lesson --it may not be yours-- which I call “Other People’s Secret Sorrows.”

I am not making up nor exaggerating any of the following:

The co-worker whom I perceived as drop-dead-gorgeous with a stable marriage and two highly educated adult children had experienced miserable years as an unwed teenage mother ostracized by her family.

The businessman in a high-powered job whom I saw only as successful, handsome, and confident, had been hospitalized in his 30's for a serious illness, and would be subject to regular rechecks and costly medications for the rest of his life.

After they moved away from our campus, the marriage of the academic couple who had money and a palatial house and prestige ended in a shocking murder-suicide.

A popular and bright graduate student would leave some classes or social events at the same time in the evening, saying she had to make a phone call -- which she later told me was the only time that she was allowed to speak to her husband, who had been imprisoned for white collar crime.

The 21-year-old star student, the one whom I saw as the most articulate, best groomed, and highest achiever in my senior seminar, confided at our final exam that she had been on heavy pain medications all semester long, just so that she could put off her second cancer operation until our course was over (this one would be a hysterectomy -- meaning no children of her body ever, and a questionable prognosis as far as her own long-term survivability).

Whoops! Looks like I’m not the only one rambling and ranting today . . .

((( MDE ))) ((( and also odydnas ))) from “Mother Mary” -- and yes, remember to keep those eyes moist!