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Hi, I found this forum and feel the need to share my story. I could really use some support and encouragement right about now. I’ve been suffering from dry eye symptoms for about 14 years now and feel that it has contributed to ruining my life and that I am running out of time to salvage whats left of it.
My living hell began 14 years ago. I was 17 years old and in my 2nd semester of college living on campus, trying to adjust to living away from home for the first time. My roommate in my first semester was a student with a visa from India. My roommate in my second semester was a different student with a visa from India. I’ll say why I’m mentioning this at the end. (I have no ill will towards these students. My mom is a naturalized citizen from India actually.)
It was in this second semester that I developed severe dry eye symptoms at the age of 17. My eyes began to burn and become sensitive to light and cool breezes. I began to wake up in the mornings with my eyes bloodshot red and swollen. After a few minutes of blinking after waking the redness would subside but the swollen look of my eyes, burning and breeze sensitivities remained. If I tried to keep my eyes wide open and look up and forward like a normal person, my eyes would begin to weep uncontrollably as if I was crying. I was already a shy and reserved person with normal eyes. After adding this problem with my eyes to the equation, I became devastated emotionally and soon afterward physical tolls resulted.
In order to keep my eyes from weeping uncontrollably, I had to scrunch my face, and constantly look down towards the ground, only able to take glances straight forward with my eyes fully open and head up. I continued to attend classes, but could not concentrate at all. I was unable to keep my head up and eyes open to focus on the professor or board without feeling that my eyes were going to weep tears uncontrollably. I was forced to close my eyes and prop my hand against my face throughout my entire morning classes. As the day went on I felt some slight relief and was able to keep my eyes open during afternoon classes but still unable to keep my head straight up, eyes fully open, and look forward. It was soon aftward in one of these afternoon classes that I became aware that apparently I was scrunching my face to control my weeping from my dry eyes. Someone whispering “look at his face” followed by lots of laughter and giggling is burned in my memory. I was devastated emotionally and walked out of that class at that moment. I was already a shy, reserved, socially awkward person and could not take this emotional toll. I started skipping classes altogether, eventually ending up only attending to turn in graded assignments or test days, some of which I missed because dates were changed or moved. My grades plummetted and nothing was improving with my eyes.
I saw an optamoligist who looked at my eyes, flipped my eyelids, gave me tear quantity tests. Everything looked fine according to him. Except my eyes werent. The felt horrible and looked even worse to me. My eyes had literally become swollen in size, taken on a dryer appearance, and developed an unappealing bright shine especially when in sunlight. I knew I was not imagining this change in my eyeballs appearance but my optamligist and even parents disagreed. I kept complaining about my symptoms, kept seeing the doctors. Eventually, I guess out of frustration, I was prescribed anti-inflammatory steroid drops, chlymidia antibiotics (I was a virgin and had no clue what he was prescribing me, but I still took it hoping). Nothing helped. I became completely withdrawn socially, unable to even attend the cafeteria to eat. My grades in school were barely above passing. I had no social life and feared being around people. I felt like everyone thought I was crying and either laughing at me or trying to distance themselves from me. My self confidence began to sink and my posture and body language showed it. I bought clear lensed fake glasses in an effor to protect my eyes from weeping from cool breezes with no success. In a last ditch effort seeing the doctor, he placed plugs in my eyes. My eyes were producing enough tears as evidenced by the tear strip test but I was willing to try anything and so was the doctor apparently. This caused a new problem. My natural tears were now overflowing on their own. I endured this for about a year before having them removed. The doctor went so far as to tell my parents that it was a mental issue for me and that I need to see a psycologist.
I was around 20 by now and I isolated myself into a single dorm room, stopped attending classes altogether and sank into severe depression. I moved to a single apartment and isolated myself completely. I was placed on academic probation in college and ended up dropping out. My parents began to see me as a failure for my academic troubles and didn’t believe anything was wrong with my eyes either. I decided to see that psycologist and got on a high dose of antidepressants. I began to learn how to cope with my dry eyes and started to accept the fact that they were not going to get better. I kept the tempature warm in my apartment but still suffered from symptoms outside in cool buildings. My main coping mechanism I learned was certain facial contorsions and scrunching and constant looking down and hunching over which at least allowed me to function outside of my apartment, but at a cost socially among strangers. I felt like a leper and the laughter and mocking at my posture, lack of self confidence, and facial expressions was obvious. I transferred to a university my father worked at and earned a degree somehow. I didn’t deserve that degree. After a few weeks I had resorted to not attending classes sporadically. At least one my passing grades was a gift. It was that obvious to me. But I left with a degree after 6 years of failed college, my eyes in the same miserable shape, my coping mechanisms slightly better.
I entered my mid 20’s still in social pergatory and finally found a job (another obvious gift). I manged to be assigned to a position that did not have to physically interact with others much. I drowned myself in work inside my cubicle in front of my computer. I pulled unpaid allnighters working and established a good reputation for myself; however I did not socialize with my coworkers. I worked 12 hours a day, came home, ate went to bed and repeated. I blinked and I was 30. My little work group where I could work in isolation was closed and I was moved to a new group where social interaction is a priority, expected, and almost required. I am failing miserably at this position. My lack of self confidence, inability to keep my head up and eyes open for all but brief moments remains. I can rarely bring myself to make eye contact with anyone. Lunch with my coworkers is a nightmare I dread every day. As soon as I walk into a cool building I can feel the weeping want to begin in my eyes and am forced to contort my face and look down. I go and on and off of antidepressant medication to try to cope with the emotional toll but I am constantly reminded of it. When I look in the mirror I still see my swollen eyes and eyelids with this disgusting shine on them. I can still remember how my eyes used to look over 14 years ago and this is not it. A coworker brought their 2 or 3 year old child to work the other day. I can tell they didn’t want to introduce the child to me but we were caught in a situation where we had to. I tried to smile at the child and made eye contact. The child stared at me and began rubbing her eyes. Even a baby sees something wrong with my eyes or maybe she thinks I’m crying but it was a painful reminder. I really wanted to cry at that moment. The parent rushed the child away because they noticed it too.
That is prehaps my favorite reaction from people. Seeing something wrong my eyes so rubbing their own. Then again, maybe it’s the walking around Walmart or anywhere public with my face contorted, looking down and being laughed or mocked by a group of young people passing by. They both happen so often I don’t know which to pick. These days I’m filled with depression only to be replaced with occasional anger. My 20’s have disappeared. I am 31, alone, no friends except my aging parents, and feel handicapped emotionally and physically from all this. My self confidence is below 0. I rarely make eye contact with strangers and quickly look away if I do. Ive developed a hunchback from over a decade of poor posture from wanting to curl up into myself and disappear in public, the left side of my face pushed in from literally resting my face on my palm 4-5 hours a day in the same position with my eyes closed in class for 3-4 years in a row in college while I was still growing . I can look at pictures before college and my jawbone was not asymmetrical like it became. I am a complete mess emotionally and physically. I do not know if I am repairable but coming across this site has given me some slight hope. I have begun warm compresses on my eyes for about a week now. I have not seen an eye doctor since I had my plugs removed many many years ago but am thinking about having making an appointment now to have my eyes tested for a bacterial infection. I know it’s the longest of long shots: to have caught some rare bacterial eye infection transported on the students from India (stupid of me to think that I know), but I would break down and cry for days on end, tears of sadness and joy if it was something that simple to cure my eyes.
Thank you for listening to my story. I don’t expect anything from this, but I don’t have anyone in personal life to share this with and it has been very cathartic for me to cry for this hour as I write this and reflect t on my life. I don’t feel as alone anymore after finding this forum.
My living hell began 14 years ago. I was 17 years old and in my 2nd semester of college living on campus, trying to adjust to living away from home for the first time. My roommate in my first semester was a student with a visa from India. My roommate in my second semester was a different student with a visa from India. I’ll say why I’m mentioning this at the end. (I have no ill will towards these students. My mom is a naturalized citizen from India actually.)
It was in this second semester that I developed severe dry eye symptoms at the age of 17. My eyes began to burn and become sensitive to light and cool breezes. I began to wake up in the mornings with my eyes bloodshot red and swollen. After a few minutes of blinking after waking the redness would subside but the swollen look of my eyes, burning and breeze sensitivities remained. If I tried to keep my eyes wide open and look up and forward like a normal person, my eyes would begin to weep uncontrollably as if I was crying. I was already a shy and reserved person with normal eyes. After adding this problem with my eyes to the equation, I became devastated emotionally and soon afterward physical tolls resulted.
In order to keep my eyes from weeping uncontrollably, I had to scrunch my face, and constantly look down towards the ground, only able to take glances straight forward with my eyes fully open and head up. I continued to attend classes, but could not concentrate at all. I was unable to keep my head up and eyes open to focus on the professor or board without feeling that my eyes were going to weep tears uncontrollably. I was forced to close my eyes and prop my hand against my face throughout my entire morning classes. As the day went on I felt some slight relief and was able to keep my eyes open during afternoon classes but still unable to keep my head straight up, eyes fully open, and look forward. It was soon aftward in one of these afternoon classes that I became aware that apparently I was scrunching my face to control my weeping from my dry eyes. Someone whispering “look at his face” followed by lots of laughter and giggling is burned in my memory. I was devastated emotionally and walked out of that class at that moment. I was already a shy, reserved, socially awkward person and could not take this emotional toll. I started skipping classes altogether, eventually ending up only attending to turn in graded assignments or test days, some of which I missed because dates were changed or moved. My grades plummetted and nothing was improving with my eyes.
I saw an optamoligist who looked at my eyes, flipped my eyelids, gave me tear quantity tests. Everything looked fine according to him. Except my eyes werent. The felt horrible and looked even worse to me. My eyes had literally become swollen in size, taken on a dryer appearance, and developed an unappealing bright shine especially when in sunlight. I knew I was not imagining this change in my eyeballs appearance but my optamligist and even parents disagreed. I kept complaining about my symptoms, kept seeing the doctors. Eventually, I guess out of frustration, I was prescribed anti-inflammatory steroid drops, chlymidia antibiotics (I was a virgin and had no clue what he was prescribing me, but I still took it hoping). Nothing helped. I became completely withdrawn socially, unable to even attend the cafeteria to eat. My grades in school were barely above passing. I had no social life and feared being around people. I felt like everyone thought I was crying and either laughing at me or trying to distance themselves from me. My self confidence began to sink and my posture and body language showed it. I bought clear lensed fake glasses in an effor to protect my eyes from weeping from cool breezes with no success. In a last ditch effort seeing the doctor, he placed plugs in my eyes. My eyes were producing enough tears as evidenced by the tear strip test but I was willing to try anything and so was the doctor apparently. This caused a new problem. My natural tears were now overflowing on their own. I endured this for about a year before having them removed. The doctor went so far as to tell my parents that it was a mental issue for me and that I need to see a psycologist.
I was around 20 by now and I isolated myself into a single dorm room, stopped attending classes altogether and sank into severe depression. I moved to a single apartment and isolated myself completely. I was placed on academic probation in college and ended up dropping out. My parents began to see me as a failure for my academic troubles and didn’t believe anything was wrong with my eyes either. I decided to see that psycologist and got on a high dose of antidepressants. I began to learn how to cope with my dry eyes and started to accept the fact that they were not going to get better. I kept the tempature warm in my apartment but still suffered from symptoms outside in cool buildings. My main coping mechanism I learned was certain facial contorsions and scrunching and constant looking down and hunching over which at least allowed me to function outside of my apartment, but at a cost socially among strangers. I felt like a leper and the laughter and mocking at my posture, lack of self confidence, and facial expressions was obvious. I transferred to a university my father worked at and earned a degree somehow. I didn’t deserve that degree. After a few weeks I had resorted to not attending classes sporadically. At least one my passing grades was a gift. It was that obvious to me. But I left with a degree after 6 years of failed college, my eyes in the same miserable shape, my coping mechanisms slightly better.
I entered my mid 20’s still in social pergatory and finally found a job (another obvious gift). I manged to be assigned to a position that did not have to physically interact with others much. I drowned myself in work inside my cubicle in front of my computer. I pulled unpaid allnighters working and established a good reputation for myself; however I did not socialize with my coworkers. I worked 12 hours a day, came home, ate went to bed and repeated. I blinked and I was 30. My little work group where I could work in isolation was closed and I was moved to a new group where social interaction is a priority, expected, and almost required. I am failing miserably at this position. My lack of self confidence, inability to keep my head up and eyes open for all but brief moments remains. I can rarely bring myself to make eye contact with anyone. Lunch with my coworkers is a nightmare I dread every day. As soon as I walk into a cool building I can feel the weeping want to begin in my eyes and am forced to contort my face and look down. I go and on and off of antidepressant medication to try to cope with the emotional toll but I am constantly reminded of it. When I look in the mirror I still see my swollen eyes and eyelids with this disgusting shine on them. I can still remember how my eyes used to look over 14 years ago and this is not it. A coworker brought their 2 or 3 year old child to work the other day. I can tell they didn’t want to introduce the child to me but we were caught in a situation where we had to. I tried to smile at the child and made eye contact. The child stared at me and began rubbing her eyes. Even a baby sees something wrong with my eyes or maybe she thinks I’m crying but it was a painful reminder. I really wanted to cry at that moment. The parent rushed the child away because they noticed it too.
That is prehaps my favorite reaction from people. Seeing something wrong my eyes so rubbing their own. Then again, maybe it’s the walking around Walmart or anywhere public with my face contorted, looking down and being laughed or mocked by a group of young people passing by. They both happen so often I don’t know which to pick. These days I’m filled with depression only to be replaced with occasional anger. My 20’s have disappeared. I am 31, alone, no friends except my aging parents, and feel handicapped emotionally and physically from all this. My self confidence is below 0. I rarely make eye contact with strangers and quickly look away if I do. Ive developed a hunchback from over a decade of poor posture from wanting to curl up into myself and disappear in public, the left side of my face pushed in from literally resting my face on my palm 4-5 hours a day in the same position with my eyes closed in class for 3-4 years in a row in college while I was still growing . I can look at pictures before college and my jawbone was not asymmetrical like it became. I am a complete mess emotionally and physically. I do not know if I am repairable but coming across this site has given me some slight hope. I have begun warm compresses on my eyes for about a week now. I have not seen an eye doctor since I had my plugs removed many many years ago but am thinking about having making an appointment now to have my eyes tested for a bacterial infection. I know it’s the longest of long shots: to have caught some rare bacterial eye infection transported on the students from India (stupid of me to think that I know), but I would break down and cry for days on end, tears of sadness and joy if it was something that simple to cure my eyes.
Thank you for listening to my story. I don’t expect anything from this, but I don’t have anyone in personal life to share this with and it has been very cathartic for me to cry for this hour as I write this and reflect t on my life. I don’t feel as alone anymore after finding this forum.
Also, I think if we ACT self-conscious, it makes others more uncomfortable in turn and that just makes things worse, you know? As for real limitations on what we can do, it is what it is... do what you can, and try not to stress about the rest. I'm crossing my fingers for you that a good pair of well-fitting moisture chamber glasses will open doors for you in terms of social interaction/conversation and being able to hold your head up high again.
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