Anger issues

[khmedia]

Hi guys,

I'd be grateful to hear your thoughts.

I am relatively normal guy and if you speak to anyone they would tell you I'd not harm a fly but since contracting MGD I am even more prone to angry/violent outbursts.

I find that my family don't understand me.

At the weekend, I was so annoyed with the redness in my eyes that I was consumed by worry, frustration and annoyance.

I find myself paralyzed when it comes to talking to the people closest to me i.e. my wife. So I build up my feelings.

So much so that I made a comment to my wife about 'putting up that umbrella' in a horrible tone. Later on she was annoyed at how I had spoken to her. I said that 'this condition is getting the better of me'. She said 'yeaaa sure, blame the condition'. My mind flipped and before I knew it I violently kicked a chair which beside me saying, well I can't remember but something alone the lines of 'yes the condition has me this way'.

She left the room and later on told me that another violent incident and we'd be in the divorce courts.

I now feel trapped. Do I need to talk to a psychologist about this? Or given that there is a financial cost involved here, try to work this out myself and save my money for dry eye treatments.

Kevin

[Rebecca Petris]

I am so sorry. Hard place.

What's really great though, exceptional if you ask me, is that you're recognizing it and actually interested in figuring out what to do about it. Puts you ahead of most people who are in that place.

Caveat here, no qualifications to be saying this etc etc but my thoughts fwiw:

1) Psychologist, absolutely yes. Family relationships are priceless, and absolutely worth the investment. Even if you look at it in the most cynical way possible, therapy's a lot cheaper than divorce! See if you can get some kind of referral. For a lot of us it can be hard pursuing something like that for the first time and it doesn't help if you get a dud or someone you can't get comfortable with the first time around.

And TELL your wife you're doing it. She needs to know, for her own well-being, that you're seeking help. It's scary to live with someone who's seething underneath, even if you really know and love them. And while it doesn't sound like you need any additional motivation right now, for perspective you might also want to look up the legal definition of assault.

2) Do you have anyone you can talk to real-time (not just forums) who DOES understand? If not... would you consider finding a 'dry eye buddy' here that could get on the phone with you. Also I'm here (or at least my voicemail is and I can call back). Some people have families who can be supportive and some don't... but in both cases it's so vital to be connected to people who actually 'get' it and sometimes internet just isn't enough.

3) If you think your wife would be interested or willing to talk to me (I've done that a lot with family members), I'd love to have a chat with her. Sometimes it really makes a difference in their perspective if they hear from someone other than you.

Again kudos for reaching out and wanting to do something about this.

[PotatoCakes]

First, congrats on realizing and admitting that you have an anger problem. That's big ... and necessary if you're going to fix it.

Second, anger can be the result of depression (no guarantee though). IMHO, it would be worth exploring that possibility. Different people experience depression in different ways and, I know for myself, anger frequently accompanies depression. Within that vein, if you are depressed, it's completely normal to experience depression when faced with a chronic disease and it does NOT have to be lasting but it does need to be addressed. Addressing it may mean medication (temporarily or permanent) and / or counseling. Since you are rightly being cost-aware, I don't know if you have a religious institution that you go to but often, clergy can provide counseling and in urban areas, you can usually find a variety of services with discounted or sliding scales for counseling. You can also find classes specifically for anger management out there which will help you learn your triggers and how to better manage and diffuse your anger. I would start by talking to your primary care physician or your eye professional about the possibility of depression. I would NOT try to work this out on your own. Consider anger / depression part of your eye disease. If you do not address it, it will get worse (both the eye issues, which are frequently exacerbated by stress AND the anger / depression). Consider in your cost / benefit analysis, the cost of wrecking your marriage. If counseling will help you, is saving money worth more than your marriage, level of stress, and personal mental health? Start with your primary or eye physician and go from there but remember, the cheapest option isn't always the best option.

About not being understood by your family, they can be varying levels of empathetic but they will never truly understand what you are going through without experiencing it themselves, and you don't want that. Think of it like this, did you *really* know what it was like to have kids until you did? You had ideas, you knew you wanted them, you knew you'd love them but the actual experience is always different than what you really knew before. That's okay. It's not fair to expect someone to truly understand what you feel when they can't. What IS fair, is to ask them to try to understand, as best they can, to ask questions if they don't understand, and to try to be as empathetic as possible, particularly when you are having a bad day. It's your responsibility to let them know, nicely, that 'today is a day I need a little help or more understanding'.

Best of luck to you. This forum has been a lifeline for me when I have been in the pits. So much of managing this disease is about managing the mental side. It does get better, even if you're like me and stuck with these issues until someone out there finds a cure (and I'm counting on that!)

[dryeye4ever]

yes i sympathize you but be patient you can only cope with it now. my family not understanding it is the worst feeling

[Mawsky]

There have been times I find myself getting angry at things that normally would not bother me. I do think that there is a level of depression going on here, add to that the fact that people who have never experienced this have really no Idea how debilitation this condition can be. I get frustrated at those around me that don't understand this is a struggle every day and no end in sight. I do think that talking to someone is a step in the right direction. My husband mentioned having some allergies that were making his eye itch. I blurted out...well at least that won't last for years, I felt really bad afterwards, but the frustration can still remain. I hope that you and your wife will consider seeing someone together if only once, so that you can express your feelings in a safe place. Hang in there and above all else protect your relationship with your wife and family.

[khmedia]

Thanks for all the replies guys.

Thanks Rebecca.

You are correct - therapy is a lot cheaper than divorce! Well said. Many thanks for reaching out and offering me support. I really appreciate this. It is good to now have the option to speak with someone so thanks for this. Also that is not a bad idea regarding my wife speaking to you! It could be quite tricky to execute given the ignorance around this condition, especially the likes of a phone call - however, I think one angle which could 'open' the possibilities for healthy discussion could be using email. I could ask her if she would be okay with chatting with you. I guess as you say you do with a lot of families out there. I can help you posted on this privately perhaps.

Thanks PotatoeCakes.

Anger being a result of depression. I completly agree. That is a great suggestion regarding religious institution. I'm sure I have options here and this would suit my budget - which is virtually zero given all the expenditure on moisture glasses, eye drops, eye pads and what have you! I think you are correct too in saying don't work this out on your own. I can very easily think 'I'm fine mentally' when going through a coping patch. However, as sure as the rain will come, the unhealthy feelings (be it anger with myself, life, my creator, my condition etc) will come.

That's also a great anology about having kids. It is exactly like that. You don't know what to expect until its for real.

It really is a 50% 50% split in managing the disease and the mental condition of the disease. No one knows the extent of the mental side of the condition which exists except for the patient.

Thanks Mawsky

I too have come across people complaining about various things (which you know will pass) and you can't help but think 'I'd give anything to have what you have'.

Thanks everyone!

[Rebecca Petris]

It really is a 50% 50% split in managing the disease and the mental condition of the disease.
Thanks everyone!

Yes well put. Sometimes the balance swings one way or another.

Re: anger. Exc. input from the others on depression. Just a tidbit to add. One of the things I've found over the years in reflecting on my own anger issues is that for me, anger used to be a funnel for all intense emotions that were hard to handle. What I mean is that I don't think I knew how to let myself experience other negative emotions, like grief and loss and fear (and while I'm speaking generally, I think those are ALL relevant to people with ongoing eye struggles!) so everything just got channeled into anger. Makes for a lot of anger It's one of the reasons therapy's a good investment... not just for current crisis but for future quality of life.