What do I do?

[Shogan]

I am beyond consumed by this...

my brief situation...post-lasik nearing 5 months, perpetual stinging/burning left eye and dry, gritty, scratchy eyes.

I can't think of anything else and its wrecking me. I do not have a great job, no benefits and low pay...I do not have the resources to look for a solution. One 15 mintue visit with an eye specialist here cost me $90 plus an additional $80 for a steroid drop. I can't afford this.

I ****ing hate it. I often compare myself from 6 months ago to myself currently. I am a shell. I am often despondent. Focusing at work takes all of my energy. I know I should not let something non-life threatning affect me, but I find it SO impossible.

This is runing my relationship with my parents, my girlfriend, and my co-workers. I cannot blame it directly on the procedure, but truthfully my situation is attributable to that surgery. I was not like this before it whatsoever. I had praises from my boss; I recieved employee of the quarter only 3 months on the job and used to be happy to take on the extra work. Now I'm lucky to actually get an hour of actual work done a day.

My girlfriend is bearing alot of my frustrations...I hate the way it consumes me, and I never meant or intended this surgery to do this. It was supposed to just make life a bit easier. She misses the old me; so do I. I am at a loss for solutions. The combined stress of a financial misery, a suffering relationship, and a mountain of guilt and regret are unbearable.

It takes absolute focus to get my feet on the ground in the morning. I am so despondent and unresponsive to others needs. I am ashamed of my actions but cannot fix it on my own.

Please, what do I do?

[Rebecca Petris]

Shogan, I hope you don't mind but I moved this up from the archives because it's a new thread and a lot of people don't see things posted in the archives. I know there are many people who can relate to what you're going through here.

I ****ing hate it. I often compare myself from 6 months ago to myself currently. I am a shell. I am often despondent. Focusing at work takes all of my energy. I know I should not let something non-life threatning affect me, but I find it SO impossible.

It's not YOU finding it impossible, it just IS impossible to "not let it" affect you. It is a hard, hard place to be and no matter how much it doesn't seem to make sense or how little others seem to understand, this IS what it's like for ever so many people in those months after the onset of dry eye and the months after a surgery gone in any way awry.

The really critical thing to know is that it doesn't stay this way. It really doesn't. You have to try to give yourself permission to be having a really hard time right now - knowing that this isn't permanent - it's a period of excessive stress that we go through - not to mention that you're in the early post lasik period where the pain is the worst. Shame and self-condemnation are really damaging - just making it that much harder to get through the day.

This is runing my relationship with my parents, my girlfriend, and my co-workers. I cannot blame it directly on the procedure, but truthfully my situation is attributable to that surgery. I was not like this before it whatsoever. I had praises from my boss; I recieved employee of the quarter only 3 months on the job and used to be happy to take on the extra work. Now I'm lucky to actually get an hour of actual work done a day.

The hit to productivity is really hard. I went through that. Hits to relationships are even harder. People who love you will stick with you to the best of their ability but often they are confused and frightened and don't know how to handle it. Sometimes it helps to put them in touch with someone from DEZ (and I'm available if I can help... have talked to a lot of boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses, moms and dads over the years). Or to print out things from the site that could help them understand that what you're going through is real, that it's not unique to you, and that it has to run its course, and how they can best be supportive.

It takes absolute focus to get my feet on the ground in the morning. I am so despondent and unresponsive to others needs. I am ashamed of my actions but cannot fix it on my own.

Please, what do I do?

Random thoughts, for what they're worth:

You pray.

You do exactly what you're doing - continue putting your feet on the ground in the morning even though it feels like moving mountains.

You get depression treatment, to help get you over the hump.

You fix on important truths, paste them to your mirror, write them on a card in your wallet etc to remind yourself when you're having those hopeless frustrating moments: Things like, THIS DOESN'T LAST. It's a crisis and with time you will come out the other side. And, IT'S NOT MY FAULT. Of course you can't respond to others needs when you're being crushed by your own.

You try to find one or more dry eye buddies on this site, ideally someone you can talk to on the phone.