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WARNING TO READERS - This is a long post. Sorry.
Saturday will mark one year since PRK surgery. I never would have guessed I would be in such a scary, strange place one year after my surgery.
Rebecca warned me that the one year marker can be really tough, and boy is she right. What makes it so tough is that I am still really struggling, physically, mentally and emotionally. And it doesn't help that I am a worrier by nature!!
It is such a vicious cycle - the horrible dryness causes allergies, the allergy drop causes pain, go off the allergy drop and have the horrible allergy symptoms come back, but still experience painfully sore eyes. Will I ever find answers and figure this out?
And I am so different. My whole body is different. I have gained weight, my skin is ruddy and sallow, my self-confidence is shot. My runners body is gone. My hair is thinning and breaking. Yet, I am taking so many supplements and vitamins my pocket book is seriously suffering. I can't remember the last time I read before bedtime. I have to fake a smile. And try not to be to bothered by the people that stare at me with my fancy goggles on. I constantly live on the verge of tears. I live every day at wits end. I feel really old at the age of 32!! The only thing that I really look forward to anymore is being able to lay on the couch, eyes closed while listening to an audio book. I go through the motions of doing normal every day activities, but it is a joyless experience filled with the discomfort of sore, painfully dry eyes.
I never thought I would have extreme fear of wind, ceiling fans, air conditioners, heaters, sun, hot weather, arid climates, airplanes and shopping malls.
I look at people that I love and adore and I feel jealous and envious. Jealous of the normal life they live - starting families, going to graduate school, planning vacations without once thinking about their eyes or wondering how much pain and discomfort the day might bring. All of those normal thing seem so far out of reach right now.
A small piece of me still hopes that I can get back to a complete level of normal. But the bigger, more realistic piece of me just prays for a manageable place. A place where I am happy to get out of bed in the morning and not have the very first thought be about my eyes, my eyes. My poor, painful eyes.
I MUST, however, end this post on a positive note. I did go camping this weekend and my eyes did okay! Not perfect, but I managed. I even went on a three-hour rafting trip. AND had some fun with a little sadness and grief mixed in. Plus, my wonderful, darling husband even said that he was so impressed with the courage it must have taken for me to get in that raft after 5 months of being totally house-bound. So, I guess it is all a matter of baby steps. I am hopeful, that if I just keep trying, that my situation will improve and my energy will come back. Maybe, if I stick with it, my life will be normal again.
AND THANKS to all of you for your words of encouragement and this wonderful BB. Thanks for all the personal emails, phone calls and visits that have kept me going through this difficult time. And you should expect that I will be asking for more!!
And THANK YOU Rebecca for making this your life's work.
I couldn't get through this time without DEZ.
Nicole
Saturday will mark one year since PRK surgery. I never would have guessed I would be in such a scary, strange place one year after my surgery.
Rebecca warned me that the one year marker can be really tough, and boy is she right. What makes it so tough is that I am still really struggling, physically, mentally and emotionally. And it doesn't help that I am a worrier by nature!!
It is such a vicious cycle - the horrible dryness causes allergies, the allergy drop causes pain, go off the allergy drop and have the horrible allergy symptoms come back, but still experience painfully sore eyes. Will I ever find answers and figure this out?
And I am so different. My whole body is different. I have gained weight, my skin is ruddy and sallow, my self-confidence is shot. My runners body is gone. My hair is thinning and breaking. Yet, I am taking so many supplements and vitamins my pocket book is seriously suffering. I can't remember the last time I read before bedtime. I have to fake a smile. And try not to be to bothered by the people that stare at me with my fancy goggles on. I constantly live on the verge of tears. I live every day at wits end. I feel really old at the age of 32!! The only thing that I really look forward to anymore is being able to lay on the couch, eyes closed while listening to an audio book. I go through the motions of doing normal every day activities, but it is a joyless experience filled with the discomfort of sore, painfully dry eyes.
I never thought I would have extreme fear of wind, ceiling fans, air conditioners, heaters, sun, hot weather, arid climates, airplanes and shopping malls.
I look at people that I love and adore and I feel jealous and envious. Jealous of the normal life they live - starting families, going to graduate school, planning vacations without once thinking about their eyes or wondering how much pain and discomfort the day might bring. All of those normal thing seem so far out of reach right now.
A small piece of me still hopes that I can get back to a complete level of normal. But the bigger, more realistic piece of me just prays for a manageable place. A place where I am happy to get out of bed in the morning and not have the very first thought be about my eyes, my eyes. My poor, painful eyes.
I MUST, however, end this post on a positive note. I did go camping this weekend and my eyes did okay! Not perfect, but I managed. I even went on a three-hour rafting trip. AND had some fun with a little sadness and grief mixed in. Plus, my wonderful, darling husband even said that he was so impressed with the courage it must have taken for me to get in that raft after 5 months of being totally house-bound. So, I guess it is all a matter of baby steps. I am hopeful, that if I just keep trying, that my situation will improve and my energy will come back. Maybe, if I stick with it, my life will be normal again.
AND THANKS to all of you for your words of encouragement and this wonderful BB. Thanks for all the personal emails, phone calls and visits that have kept me going through this difficult time. And you should expect that I will be asking for more!!
And THANK YOU Rebecca for making this your life's work.
I couldn't get through this time without DEZ.
Nicole
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