Traumatic experience, came to the US.. now lost

[sazy123]

Ok, some of you may know that i got married one year ago to an American. Been together 3 years, i got my green card for the US in December. Previously ive been to the US back and forth for 3 years staying months at a time because i had school to complete in the UK. Im now in the US staying with his family (cuisans) because in January when i arrived here i found out he has been cheating on me for 2 months. I was here 3 days and then he ran off with her!! hes back on drugs and hes back to drinking every night (ALOT). My eyes werent bad last year at all (i wont go in to detail, but my eyes felt great because i had throat congestion, this always happens with me).

So now im living with his cusians, still in PA. My eyes are bad again, been bad since september.
I just got a job at Hershy medical center in the ER department as a registration associate... This is good right... BUT, my eyes are killing me.. I cant do my positive thinking anymore to combat the depression of severe dry eye because.. my positive thinking was based on being with him, because i was sooo happy with him. He gave my life meaning. The training for this job is hardcore and fulltime for 4 weeks. After that im only part time. BUT I DONT KNOW IF I CAN DO IT.. THE EYE PAIN IS effecting my concentration... This is my BIIGEST ISSUE.

Ughhhh i just feel like giving up and going home to be with my family who care about me. I feel alone here!! But i kinda want to stay because i feel like ive failed to just go home, and i just got a good job (not well paid but its a good job/place to work).. AND the US is wayy better for dry eye treatments than the UK, so that makes me want to stay.. But then again.. ive already tried all the treatments anyway (doxy, restasis, azasite, plugs, sclerals, IPL, the list goes on...). and nothing helped my eyes. There isnt anything else they can give me RIGHT??? i have MGD with inflammed inner eyelids.

Honestly, i have no postive out look for life anymore, i know i will live in pain for the rest of my life (im 26) and i have been put off love for life.... if i died tommorow i would NOT CARE. Thats where im at right now.. I have not felt like this in ages, since before i met my ''ex husband''. BTW i spent tons of money to come out here and be with him as well

If my eyes werent bad i know i could be a strong person, like people keep telling me to be... do this job and start a fresh. But my eyes make me weak.

[Hopeful2]

((((sazy))))

I have been thinking about you. . . I never imagined that things were looking sooo bleak for you.

Congratulations on finishing your courses and landing a good job!

I wish I had something to say that would make things right. . . Our eyes do seem to have a huge impact on how we feel and see things. I find talking really makes things better. Is there someone there that you can talk to? Is there a dry eye community that maybe gets together?

I know things look bleak right now and it is hard to see a way through what you are experiencing. I have found that taking one day at a time makes the difficult times more manageable. Be kind to yourself and gentle with your thoughts. Avoid labelling yourself with weak/strong. . . All you can ask of yourself is to do the best you can, for yourself. Seek out companions and activities that you enjoy: hot baths, walks, listening to music, singing, dancing, eating lasagna . . .pamper yourself. YOU are important!! You have a birth right to be happy. Your eyes were better before and will be again

Keep in touch. . . You are thought of fondly!

Hopeful2

[Jenn1]

Aww *Hugs!*

I'm in my twenties myself and single and can understand where you are coming from about career and love. This is a time for you to focus on only you and your own health and well being. Remember: everything happens for a reason and though its hard to see the good coming from this situation now, looking back you will realise that you have saved yourself a lot of trouble and future heartache. You are stronger than you imagine and will get through anything life throws at you.

We are all here for you. *More Hugs*

[Rebecca Petris]

((((Sazy))))

I'm so, so sorry you're going through such hard times. - But, congrats on the job! I know you can do this. Such a rough place to be but you're going to make it through. Remember to try not to live tomorrow in advance in your imagination. Today is enough!!! This hour, this moment is enough to deal with. You and your eyeballs have already made it through today.

[robster]

I read quite a few of your posts before I ever posted on this forum as you seemed to know a lot about dry eye treatments in the UK. Maybe take a holiday back in the UK for a bit just to gather your thoughts and decide what you really want out of life. I'm not very good at offering advice on matters of the heart but heartbrake really does ease over time(sorry for the cliche), just remember you're a good person and have a right to be happy.

[alisonW]

{{HUGS}} to you Sazy!!! My advice would be to go back home. You have not failed at all - you were let down!!!! Not only by your husband, but by everyone who knew what was really going on. Unless you really love your new job and living in the US,then I see no reason to stay here. For me, family is everything and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, or any reason to feel like a failure. You were greatly wronged and deserve to live a happy, wonderful life. Good luck with whatever you decide. Hoping your eyes get better too.

[Guest]

I was here 3 days and then he ran off with her!! hes back on drugs and hes back to drinking every night (ALOT).

I can't imagine having to go through this! How awful!

Ughhhh i just feel like giving up and going home to be with my family who care about me. I feel alone here!! But i kinda want to stay because i feel like ive failed to just go home, and i just got a good job (not well paid but its a good job/place to work).. AND the US is wayy better for dry eye treatments than the UK, so that makes me want to stay..

If you choose to go home it's not giving up. Don't choose whether to stay in the U.S. or go back home based on thinking going home is "giving up". Choose where to stay based on what location has what you need to move on and make the life you want for yourself.

i know i will live in pain for the rest of my life (im 26) and i have been put off love for life.... if i died tommorow i would NOT CARE. Thats where im at right now..

I totally get how easy it is to THINK you'll live in pain for the rest of your life, given what you're going through right now... but I think it's fair to say that anyone else would agree that you can't possibly know that... it's just the heartache talking. Just take this hour by hour if you have to... and when you're up to it, try to figure out where you see yourself being happiest once all this is behind you.

And as for being put off love for life, please don't be... this guy has drug problems, and that makes him a special case of awfulness for anyone that had the misfortune of falling for him... people who are addicted to drugs do horrible things to the people they love - it's not your fault. Wash your hands of him forever, figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life, where you want to live it etc. You're only 26, so this awful time is a tiny part of the life you still have to live... you'll make it through this, and you'll be so much stronger and wiser for it.

You can't possibly know that your eyes will be this way for life - maybe they'll figure out some new treatment in 5 years that will make you normal! Then you'd still have 50 or 60 good years ahead of you... that's not half bad! We just don't know what will happen in future... please don't let this make you feel like your eyes will never get better....

If my eyes werent bad i know i could be a strong person, like people keep telling me to be... do this job and start a fresh. But my eyes make me weak.

Totally can relate to that... having eyes that are in such rough shape can make it tough to work through other problems. But this state of mind is temporary... I think most people would feel this way after having something like this happen in their personal life, let alone having eye issues on top of it. But you'll get through this... just take it little by little.

((((hugs!!!))))

[LaDiva]

Big hug for you Sazy. I've been there too and needed my mommy and best friend! They literally kept me glued together until I was able to do it myself. Really sorry. Thinking about you!

[LisaLis]

Hi Sazy, Oh I feel so bad for you!! I know its rough with eye problems they do stink. I remember when mine started in my 20's also but it did get better, a lot better!! Sometimes I think our eye problems have to do with stress. It does sound like you are in a stressful situation with what happened with your husband. That's terrible. You deserve better. There is nothing wrong with going home. Something will work one of these days. My chiropractor said to me "one day you will realize wow my eyes are all better" and then you focus on something else. I do believe when your immune system may be low or you are stressed it is harder for our bodies to fight things off. It will get better, try to think more positive. It will pass. I know it is hard. I also have to take my own advice. LOL.

[PAllen]

I can tell you from personal experience, it can get better. It took a lot of trial and error and time, but I found, I hope, the right combination for me. I agree with LisaLis that stress plays a part. it's hard not to be stressed in your situation, I know, but I believe stress makes your eyes feel worse.

I've read a lot of your posts before starting to speak up myself. You helped me and I'm sure a lot of other people as well. There's someone out there for you. You deserve happiness. don't give up.

[littlemermaid]

I've read a lot of your posts before starting to speak up myself. You helped me and I'm sure a lot of other people as well

Absolutely, Sazy. Same for us. You pioneered the way for us over the years and your posts helped us firstly to come to terms with this, and then follow your journeys and conversations on treatment over the years. Maybe sometimes we don't realise how valuable and helpful the posts and conversations are, and how many people are lurking, and how much you have helped people this way. The details and suggestions and thoughts on things you've tried stick in my mind and help a lot. So thank you so much and love from us.

You are a wonderful strong person without this bloke, and awful as his drug addiction is, I see you rising like a phoenix from the ashes in time because of the sheer level of c&*p you've already been through.

[lulu]

Sazy
His Loss! Really, sometime's its that simple lovey.
You are most certainly NOT a failure to return home, your family will probably be what you need right now. I can see how you might feel that returning to the UK is not the right thing to do. Could you not just come home for a week or two, finances permitting of course? However, you may feel that it is possible to stay on with his cousin's for a while before making any firm arrangement's.
I can honestly say that I do know what you are going through as my experience was very similiar to your's, without the long trip to the US.
Without going into it, my ex was a drug user, I moved away, paid for a house and put him on the mortgage(thought it would give him responsibility) and had just started getting sick again. I considered moving back home and for the first winter away nearly came back. It would not have been right or wrong, but as it turned out, 11 years ago I met the Love of my Life and have had personally the happiest years of my life as far as relationship's have gone. Still ill but that's what it is. This was after having had my first husband womanise for 10 years and then the drug/alcohol dependant guy treat me badly. So, don't think that you will never feel again, the chances are that you will. It's just that right now, you have so many issue's to deal with. Can you take some time out?
Your eye's are pretty responsive to stress, mine most certainly are, like most illnesses when under stress our cortisol levels rise and it starts to affect us physically. So any pre existing illness often get's a lot worse. So, the order of the day for you Sazy is to be very good to yourself. What do you like doing? IS there anything or anybody that make's you feel better? Even if its just sitting in front of the humidifier with a large bar of chocolate! It's tempting to go over and over what has happened at a time like this, but in the end that can sometimes be unhelpfull until you are in a better shape physically and can deal with the hurt and humiliation.
I think we are often our own best experts in the end and the decision you make will probably be the best one for you with all the knowledge you have at this time. But maybe you need to press pause for a short while and you will be amazed how things can change even in a few days. I know how desperate you must feel and I am thinking of you.
Lulu x

[MaryVa61]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through all this! I've had the experience of being cheated on by a husband, after he started drinking again (alcoholic). It's horrible and you don't deserve that! And I also had to decide whether to move back near home (a different state, not a different country), and pride made me reluctant to go home. I didn't and I would regret that decision now if I hadn't ended up with a really good job and a really good man, who I've been with for 16 years now. But as I get older I wish I lived closer to family.

Have you heard the saying, "Crisis is Opportunity"? I try to face crisis that way, by looking for opportunity in it to change my life for the better. That thinking helps me cope and also really does improve my life. It sounds like you've been getting good job training, and that can benefit you whether you stay in the US or go back to the UK. That alone creates new opportunities. But I don't mean that you shouldn't grieve what's been lost. It's perfectly natural and healthy and I hope you pamper the heck out of yourself right now and have some kind, positive friends and family to comfort you.

I don't know which country is better for your eyes, but treatment for dry eyes isn't great in either country it seems to me. Do what you think will give you comfort NOW, and plan on living in future wherever you think will make you happiest in the long run. You have the whole world to choose from.

I'll be sending positive thoughts your way, wishing for future joy for you.

Mary