I am planning to die

[lizibet]

Dear ACN

It broke my heart to read your post - please don't give up, you are not alone.
I also have been into that very dark place when life just doesn't seem worth living, having to carry around the weight of this pain, wherever we go and whatever we do.

This site has helped me enormously, I try now not to look into the future too far and just take each day at a time. I found the worse thing was not being able to sleep. Never being away from the pain for more than 2/3 hours as you describe. My GP gave me 10g of Amitriptyline which in larger doses is an anti-depressant, but this small dose enabled me to sleep thru the night, which for me was the biggest breakthru ever. I don't take it now, only very occasionally, and I still sleep through. Have you tried something like this - sometimes your body just needs to get out of the habit of waking you up. My pain is no different the next day, but I am able to cope better with it.
At night I use Celluvisc, have you tried this?

Please, please let the people on this site help you, I am a bit of a newbie myself so haven't posed much, but I read the posts all the time. I have also tried hypnotherapy to help to block out the pain mentally. I have a friend with Tinnitus (another horrible condition that effects every aspect of life) and she suggested this, as it worked for her.

Good luck and will pray for you.

Liz

[EllMitcho]

Hello ACN,

I can't add much to what has already been said above other than if you want to talk to someone based in the UK and understands then PM me.

Hang in there - there are lots of options and things to try with this condition. Give it time and you will find something that works for you.

Ell

[wetEyes]

@ ACN

How do you know you can't wear goggles at work? Do you think that or have you been told so? What about the Wiley X with CLEAR lenses: http://www.nexternal.com/tdec/Product280

Also, from what I have heard and read so far, the sclerals you can get in Europe (from Ken Pullum in London and from Visser in the Netherlands) are not as good as those from the Boston Foundation For Sight and from Dr. G. It's worth trying these sclerals.

[ringo]

I was once where you are now, and surely I have contemplated suicide on many occasions. If you have the cyclosporine from Moorfields-- I think it is 2 %, you have to start taking it even if it makes things worse initially, it will get better. I am taking it with FML drops and Akular. Also, I am taking a tablet of pilocarpine a day. Instead of tears if i need lubrication i use an ointment with just 0.2 % cyclosporine in it.
It took me a few months, and in the first month, there was a lot of irritation and discharge mornings from the eye. I realized later that the eye was expelling some mucous goofy nasty stuff, which never came back any more after that. I persisted with the cyclosporine. Please give it a try if you have been given the drops. I also use occasionally the cyclosporine ointment at night after I put the drops. Its called Optimmune.Otherwise I put in the drops whenever I wake up in the night.
Please be brave and give the cyclosporine a chance. There is a dark period through which we have to endure and after that we will find relief.
I was going through divorce and lost my job and career because of the dry eye. I was in hospital with pending corneal transplant because of the dry eye. I am better only thanks to cyclosporine. And a lot of patience and persistence. I am jobless, and crushed. Very tired of this horrible life. I am only 30.

I had a miscarriage because of the medications I was taking due to dry eye. What can I say-- I have suffered. I thought that the only thing left for me is to sit around in darkness at home cope with the pain and wait to die.

I could not even find relief in crying as it made my eyes unbearably worse. I could not take sedatives as they also made my eyes worse. I only had my cat for comfort.

At the same time when my eyes were at their worst, after the miscarriage due to unprofessional cleaning I developed intraabdominal abscess and stayed in hospital for almost 3 months almost sure to lose my ability to have children. All the latest generation antibiotics were flowing through my veins one after the other. My eyes were my last concern, although they hurt like hell 24/7 and looked their worst ever.

I do not say that to complain in turn, but I am just trying to assure you that I know how hard it is for you right now. Please hold on for a bit more, stick to aggressive treatment, and see what happens. Its been 10 years of pain, please endure some more with the hope of change this time.

Please let us know how you are. please stay on the forum, and send us update whenever you can. If you need anything please let us know. There are so many kind people here who will do anything to help.

Hold on for a little more time please, and try treating it more aggressively (cyclosporine, etc.). It worked for me.

God bless you... you are in my prayers...

[liz56]

ACN,

I'm so heartbroken to read your story. I have been there, and a severe bout of RCE's took a very long time to heal in my case. I still have much discomfort and flare-ups, but there are things that I do and that you can, too, to heal and eventually to manage.

The disruption to sleeping is especially difficult, because it compounds the anxiety.

I hope that you call Rebecca. It was my first call to her that put me onto a healing path.

I'm rooting for you!

--Liz

[greenandbrowneyes]

Dear Acn---please listen to the previous posters--there must be help for you....i am praying for youand your familyto have the strength and courage to fight to find the relief you need. god bless you.