I'm really not okay.

[Angela]

The last 3-4 months have completely changed every aspect of my life and I am not dealing well at all. I cry several times a day because I am depressed and can't seem to get a hold of myself. I have been comforted by many friends and family members but at this point I think they are all sick of the person that I've become. My mother even told me today on the phone that I need to figure out a way to stop constantly crying because no one wants to be around me this way. I've contemplated suicide many times and I've spoken with people about it who think I need to see a psychiatrist. I don't want to see a psychiatrist, because really..is he going to help my eyes? I don't need or want to be numbed.

My boyfriend has become very distant towards me and told me that he feels I am taking away his identity because he hardly hangs out with his friends or does things that he loves anymore because he is constantly dealing with me and my depression. Things aren't the same between us anymore and I am hurt feeling like I am sabotaging everything because of this disease. I am currently about to lose my apartment because I haven't been able to pay due to losing my job when this all started. I will lose my dog and cat that I've had for years because I have nowhere to keep them until I figure out what I am going to do. I have to put my stuff in storage and stay with my brother who is short tempered which I know will be problematic. I just don't understand how these tiny glands in my eyes ruined my pretty happy life. I really feel like I can't handle it anymore and am losing every bit of myself.

My heart is broken. =(

[Margaret]

hang in there, if you need someone to talk to PM and we can chit chat through this. I'm sorry to hear you are in such pain right now. I am too and everyone says it gets better... let's hold on to that ok, at least for today. We'll deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.

[Rebecca Petris]

Angela, I am so sorry.

You've had a great deal of loss in a short time (job? quality of relationships? now home and maybe pets? holy smokes!!!!!). It sounds like people in your life are concerned and care about you, but it also sounds like they're not best equipped to be helpful in the ways you might most need them to be right now.

I don't want to see a psychiatrist, because really..is he going to help my eyes? I don't need or want to be numbed.

I would like to encourage you to take a slightly different view of this:

First of all, it's not just about your eyes - it's about how your eyes are, understandably, affecting your whole you at this point. While I totally, totally "get" the frustration when others act like it's all about depression when YOU KNOW it's all about your eyes (because that's what made it all happen), don't let the frustration of others' attitudes distract you from seeing the facts and getting better help for what really IS a mental health problem which was precipitated by major eye problems. Major depression naturally accompanies the onset of a lot of medical conditions and there are a lot of special reasons related to the eyes that may make it deeper and harder and steeper for us to climb out of... as many here who have experienced more "serious' healthcare problems before dry eye will attest to I'm sure.

Second, it's important for you to have somebody, somewhere, qualified, who is in a position to focus on you but without being distracted by personal feelings and fears for you. The people you love the most are too close to you to be able to help sometimes because seeing you like this frightens them. I've often seen that with mothers of women with dry eye depression by the way.

Third, psychiatrists are not the only professionals that you can consult about depression. You need to find the kind of professional that best suits you. Even if it were a psychiatrist, what they do isn't really about 'numbing'. I hate drugs passionately but because of what I've seen over the years I think antidepressants can have an important role to play in a crisis situation. But whether you take antidepressants or not is totally your call. Just making an appointment doesn't mean you're pre-agreeing to get medicated. Getting an objective assessment is the first step. One other type of resource you might look into... Some years back my husband and I saw a family therapist for awhile who specialized in 'medical family therapy' - I think that's what it was called - that is, how people (and their relationships) are impacted by serious medical conditions. I don't know how easy it is to find someone like that but you could start by asking around. Will any of these people understand dry eye? No, probably not. You'll have to educate them about eyes and eye pain (and if I can help by providing any materials let me know). But what they will be able to understand is LOSS (like I said you've had a LOT in a SHORT time) and, if you can find the right sort, hopefully they can understand the psychological impact of PAIN (or whatever your symptoms are).

It's so hard to take proactive steps when you're struggling with so much but I'd encourage you to take a step in this direction, even if it means asking a family member for help trying to locate the right type of professional for you to work with.

Hugs. Hang in there.

p.s. Kudos for reaching out in this way.

[PotatoCakes]

Ditto everything Rebecca said about psychiatry. Psychiatrists are able to prescribe drugs but that isn't all that they do. Might something be helpful to you? Perhaps, but perhaps you just need to talk to someone who can help you deal with life with a chronic disease. Finding a counselor or psychiatrist that deals exclusively with dry eye is unlikely but there are those who work with people with chronic medical problems and someone like that could be very helpful to you. Recently one of my physicians gave me the name of someone who, as a naturopath, was working with so many patients with chronic problems that she has changed her specialty to counseling and helping those with chronic problems learn to live with their disorders/problems/pain/etc.

One thing about medication, sometimes it can help you get over a hump if you are in a deep hole. It doesn't have to be permanent, nor does it necessarily make you numb (typically the anti-depressants that make one numb are those used for things like bi-polar or schizophrenia and would not be used by someone experiencing a situational depression). A number of years ago a good friend of mine was in a terrible, horrible marriage that was destroying her. Her counselor suggested going on something (I think Prozac) temporarily. She was very against it but we talked about it at length and she decided she would give it a try. Years later, she told me that if she hadn't taken something, she might have killed herself. I knew things were bad but had no idea they were that bad. The Prozac, in addition to the counseling, gave her just enough to get out of the deep hole she was in and allowed her to re-claim her life. She was on it for about a year, I think, long enough for her to file for divorce and start feeling in control again and then she went off of it and hasn't needed it since.

[LaDiva]

Dear Angela,
I have the same thing you have, and truly understand. Feeling awful all of the time IS depressing. Last winter I realized I was crying all the time, and depressed too. Rebecca is right. Please consider seeing a licensed therapist, and if you don't like the first one, keep trying until you find someone you do like. That goes for your eye doctor as well. I am hoping that persistent hot compresses, expression and cleansing with baby shampoo will clear up my problem, which is identical to yours. It goes on and on, but I am praying the situation will eventually improve, and that yours will too. It is hard to work and feel lousy. It is hard to have relationships and feel lousy. Hope. It is a very big thing, hope. Hang in there honey. Here's a big hug for you and a barrel full of hope.

[mgshutterbug]

Angela, a good therapist can help you deal with the psychic pain, the loss, the frustration, anger and depression that our dry eye conditions bring on. I agree with what everyone here has said. If you don't click with the first therapist you go to, keep trying. It might be maddening, but it's the only game in town. If we don't keep looking, then we sink deeper. I still get severely depressed at times, and will spend a weekend between a workweek of exhaustion and pain - and not move off the couch or bed. But I always feel better if I can force myself to get up and do something, anything. I actually started a journal where I write things such as "washed the dishes. Cleaned the bathroom. Went shopping. Had a wonderful, warm conversation with a friend. I'm here for you too, so PM me anytime you want. A good therapist can make a huge difference in being able to cope. I speak from experience. About a lifetime of experience with therapists. I do take medication daily to keep me on even keel. There's no shame in that. It's just something I need, like blood pressure medicine, or thyroid hormone, or anything else. We have severe symptoms which do need to be treated, both the hurt of the eyes, and the hurt of the heart. Please take good care of yourself.
Maria

[Guest]

The last 3-4 months have completely changed every aspect of my life and I am not dealing well at all. I cry several times a day because I am depressed and can't seem to get a hold of myself. I have been comforted by many friends and family members but at this point I think they are all sick of the person that I've become. My mother even told me today on the phone that I need to figure out a way to stop constantly crying because no one wants to be around me this way. I've contemplated suicide many times and I've spoken with people about it who think I need to see a psychiatrist. I don't want to see a psychiatrist, because really..is he going to help my eyes? I don't need or want to be numbed.

My boyfriend has become very distant towards me and told me that he feels I am taking away his identity because he hardly hangs out with his friends or does things that he loves anymore because he is constantly dealing with me and my depression. Things aren't the same between us anymore and I am hurt feeling like I am sabotaging everything because of this disease. I am currently about to lose my apartment because I haven't been able to pay due to losing my job when this all started. I will lose my dog and cat that I've had for years because I have nowhere to keep them until I figure out what I am going to do. I have to put my stuff in storage and stay with my brother who is short tempered which I know will be problematic. I just don't understand how these tiny glands in my eyes ruined my pretty happy life. I really feel like I can't handle it anymore and am losing every bit of myself.

My heart is broken. =(

I don't have much to add since everyone else has said it so well already... so sorry to hear you're having such a tough time right now... Like everyone else has said, there's no shame in taking meds for depression.. but maybe if you find a good counselor or psychologist to talk to, you'll not need to take them. But do find someone to talk to so you can get out of this depression... and like others have said, seeing a psychiatrist does not mean you HAVE to take meds... it merely gives you the option if you need it...

Hang in there!