I've been feeling suicidal lately...

[patientpatrick]

This is just a really long vent. I haven't planned out a course of action but I'm feeling suicidal. I think the only thing keeping me from doing anything drastic, or planning to do anything drastic is that I recently became a dad a few weeks ago. The truth of the matter is, I was hoping that the arrival of a new baby would refocus my life and give it purpose. It's not turning out that way. I felt a huge leap of euphoria when my baby was born, but now all I see are the challenges ahead that i cannot seem to deal with. I can't even do the simplest things that any half decent father is supposed to do. I can't open my eyes in the middle of the night to pick him up when he cries, I can't hold a bottle of milk in one hand and a bottle of eye drops in the other during a feeding. All i can think about is how his life is just starting and all i want is for mine to end.

Yesterday I went to see 2 eye doctors. One is a cornea specialist, the other an OD who focused his studies in dry eye. In fact he's a professor at the southern california college of optometry and teaches about DED. He gave me a very comprehensive workup (i've never had so many tests done that focused on dry eye alone) After all the tests were done, we reviewed the results and they weren't good. After a lot of talking back and forth, I asked him if my condition is permanent. He told me that my eyes look pretty good, and he doesn't see anything wrong with the health of my eye and he's puzzled why i'm experiencing the symptoms I have. I asked about nerve damage, and he said that my nerves should have healed by now seeing how i am 14months post op.

I'm thankful for all the support i've gotten on this forum. when i joined i was filled with optimism that things will get better and i have heard that from many of you, but the more doctors I see, and the more doctors i talk to on medical forums, the more hope i lose. I don't see things getting better. I see things being the best they can be.

[Rebecca Petris]

(((((Patrick)))))

I see things being the best they can be.

It's so nerve-wracking watching people right there in that horrid 'worst' stretch - which I have seen fall anywhere or everywhere in those first two years after LASIK, honestly - where it seems like that but isn't. You can see, crowding around you and staring you down, all kinds of supposedly perfectly rational reasons (after all, some of them come out of the mouths of intelligent doctors) why you might as well take today and extrapolate it out for the rest of your life. The dark tunnel that does not end. Yet, seeing it that way doesn't make it so... I feel so helpless, other than being a really super annoying broken record saying "It doesn't stay like that, trust me!". If caring makes any difference, I care

I would imagine that having just had a baby all this is intensified by resentment about things you want and feel you ought to be able to do. So hard. I'm sorry. We all want that new baby to be a time of sheer joy, and for some of us it doesn't get to be like that. Yet we still have to hold onto the hope and confidence in the joys the future will bring.

On another note... the rationalizing bit is bigtime red flag for me. Do you have someone in your local world you're leveling with about where you're at... someone who will hold you accountable to tell them if you get to a 'planning' stage?

[Colin P]

PM me if you like Patrick?.
I was a fool/weak for waiting as long as you have before asking to see the crisis team.
Get to your doctor tomorrow, or if you have phone lines for this matter? ring it tomorrow.

Over here in U.K there are 3 stages firstly of self harming diagnosis, you are at level 3, and not yet in the danger zone of 4 onwards, which is a cry for help.
You aint gonna get better on your own now. It aint as drastic as it reads, the weight of pressure lifts immediatly, as the doctors now become one-to-one and take you serious!. Ask anyone, and they will tell you that when youre mind is exhausted your physical side becomes far worse also.

You would not be letting anyone down, by making a call tomorrow, or if it's 24hrs? NOW...

ps, mental health aint like Opthamolagists, they know there job and we all tick the same box (incl you).

pps, just re-read your topic starter, and it says 2nd doctor says "my eyes are pretty good, and seem healthy".
Mine said that also; i dismissed it as ridiculous! and now here i am much much better and able to exist again.

[tommyboy]

Patrick,

I have been where you are (I am still recovering myself), I too have kids... and I thought I was not being a good father. When I had suicidal thoughts, I did seek out several therapists and physiologists. Later, I continued to get further depressed and wrote a suicide note and was thinking, no real plan yet (although I did research it) about it a lot. So I spoke to my wife and told her everything which was a big weight off my chest. Then I admitted myself to the ER, which was the hardest thing to do and I was admitted to the psychiatric ward of a hospital and spent a week there trying to get my sh-t in order. It was a very rude awakening for me and I thought I was at my worst. How much worse could it actually get right?

After the hospital stay I did a four week program at a local hospital, as well as saw a therapist several times a week.

Unfortunately, the pain at that time took a turn for the worse (I was on the Serum tears and my doctor TOLD me it would get worse). And one day I just snapped ... I acted on a plan I eventually put together and tried to take my life. I was NOT rationale, I was riddled with daily pain.

Not sure why exactly, but I lived ... my wife and family said it was some kind of miracle. I was again admitted to a different ER then spent two weeks in another hospital - this was truly my lowest point. I was taken to the ER in front of my family and neighbors in an ambulance.... it was really bad.

When I got out I went to classes 3 times a week for another 4 weeks ... lots of group sessions.

Anyway, I learned a lot on my journey. Someone in my class pointed out to me, after I told them what type of lousy father could I be... and they painted me a picture on the whiteboard with me, my wife and two kids. Then she took an eraser and ERASED me. She said, if you take your life your simply no longer there, period. She is right.

I am a good father. This mess has changed my entire life, and I am much closer to my kids and wife now, then ever before. I used to think I "ruined" my life. I didn't ruin my life, but my life had changed. I changed a lot of things...

So please take this seriously ... I KNOW what you are going through, I know how hard it is and what is going through your head. But, do NOT do what I did. Get some help. Do NOT try to do this on your own. It's a head game that cannot be won without the love and support of your family and help from some professionals. If you have to... go to the ER... get admitted for suicidal thoughts and get some help. Don't be ashamed ... be strong for your family.

I am only telling you this because I know how quickly it can go from "thinking" about it to "doing" it. And the stress a newborn brings can be hard.

Feel free to PM me ... we can talk if you like as well.

Hang in there... and perhaps give the serum tears a shot - I replied to your other earlier post.

Cheers,
Tom

[jax8it]

Patrick,

I know how you feel. I have been there. I am so glad I spoke to my husband, like Tom said it was like a huge weight lifted off my chest. We sought out help. I checked into an outpatient program for two weeks. I also started taking meds for anxiety, depression and for sleep. I am so glad I did this. I just could not take it anymore. I needed some help dealing with the emotional side of a bad lasik outcome. Well, I am still dealing with this, but I am doing better. Please PM me if you need to talk.

[gormz]

Patrick,

Youve gotten a lot of great advice already. Definitely seek some professional help. Another good supplement in addition to the professional help is a book called Feeling Good, new mood therapy by David Burns. Right now youre just focusing on all the negatives and not seeing any of the positives in life.

Theres no shame in seeking help and in the long run, im sure you'll be glad you did.

[Guest]

This is just a really long vent. I haven't planned out a course of action but I'm feeling suicidal. I think the only thing keeping me from doing anything drastic, or planning to do anything drastic is that I recently became a dad a few weeks ago.

I've felt horribly depressed about this too... at the time, I had a 6 month-old baby, and a 2 year old. It's tough... really tough. But, DO hang on to the fact that your child needs YOU, their dad. DO hang on to the fact that your wife needs you to be alive and present. For me, that helped me to stay strong and keep on trying to figure out a way to claw my way out of that awful black pit of despair. I kind of tried to turn the self-blame into a force for good in a way, telling myself that it was my own darned fault for getting an ELECTIVE LASIK procedure, so I owed it to them to suck it up and tough this out, and make this work somehow.

Yes, I cried, a lot... you know, the 'ol ugly cry... the sobbing mess crying... but if you can hang onto the fact that you owe it to someone else (your wife and baby) to keep going, maybe that will help you as it did me. Raising a kid is hard work, and no way can someone in our shoes leave our spouses to do it alone, while arranging a funeral no less... that would be so unfair... so wrong... just can't let that happen.

The truth of the matter is, I was hoping that the arrival of a new baby would refocus my life and give it purpose. It's not turning out that way. I felt a huge leap of euphoria when my baby was born, but now all I see are the challenges ahead that i cannot seem to deal with.

Do your best to remember that euphoria... it'll come back... honestly, it will...

I can't even do the simplest things that any half decent father is supposed to do. I can't open my eyes in the middle of the night to pick him up when he cries

So he'll have to wait an extra few minutes for you to unstick your eyes... in the big scheme of things, who cares? (Ok... I know it seems like FOREVER when they are screaming for you... but it's really not... he'll be fine!!!) He'll survive a few extra minutes wait... especially since he'll still have his DAD around to play with, hang out with etc. AND, your lovely wife can help, so no worries. My husband is the one to get up with our kids to this day because he can leap out of bed much faster than I can (due to my friggin eyes being stuck shut)... but he does it because he knows I can't, and our kids are no worse for wear on account of it.

I can't hold a bottle of milk in one hand and a bottle of eye drops in the other during a feeding.

That's just because it's your first baby and it's hard to figure out how to hold them at first... but trust me, you WILL be able to drop like an eye-dropper-Olympics champ at the same time as you are feeding him, burping him, rocking him, reading to him, pushing him in the stroller... Mine would feed for as long as an hour at a time in the beginning, and I had to eyedrop every 15 minutes back then... totally doable... you just have to figure out a technique that works for you... and in a pinch, you can train yourself to yawn at will (for the tears you'll make)...

All i can think about is how his life is just starting and all i want is for mine to end.

I think it's normal to go through this when your quality of life has changed so drastically... but please keep on telling yourself that you will NOT feel this way forever... it may seem like you will, but believe me, you won't. You just have to train yourself to focus on what you have to be grateful for, focus on what IS going right, and ignore as much as possible what's bad.... it's hard at first, and you'll fail many times... but if you keep trying, you get better at it and it soon becomes second nature. Your wife and son NEED you to survive this and they NEED you to learn to thrive again despite your eyes... you can do this.

he doesn't see anything wrong with the health of my eye and he's puzzled why i'm experiencing the symptoms I have. I asked about nerve damage, and he said that my nerves should have healed by now seeing how i am 14months post op.

Well, it seems to me that a lot of us post-LASIK's have healthy looking eyes that feel like crap. They can't measure how well the nerves are functioning, so if you ask me, it's quite plausible that even if our nerves regrow and appear normal, that doesn't prove that they are FUNCTIONING normally. (ie. could be corneal neuropathic pain for example) And if so, then so what... that doesn't mean they won't feel better over time once you figure out the right mix of treatments for you... you just have to solve that puzzle... figure out what combo works for you. And if figuring it out seems too overwhelming right now, then just focus on getting through each minute, each hour... whatever time frame feels manageable. You'd be amazed at how much a minute-by-minute outlook takes the worry away (can't worry about 10 years from now if you're only focusing on the next minute... for SURE you can get through the next minute, and you may even find yourself accidentally enjoying yourself once in a while... those moments will get more and more frequent over time... you'll see...)

I see things being the best they can be.

They're not the best they can be... trust me... this is some of the worst, and things will get better...

Everyone has given you good advice here... take what suits you, and do it... keep on trying... savour the moments in your day that feel good to you and use those moments as fuel to keep fighting when you hit a low... you'll be ok... you just need to trudge through this crappy stage to get to the good stuff... keep on trudging... it'll be worth it when you get to the good stuff... it's coming...

And don't ever let yourself forget that your wife and son NEED you to be here... there are few things worse than seeing someone widowed young with a baby, or a baby (or child of any age, really) without a parent... you must NOT be the guy that does that to them... you must not...

So sorry to hear you're going through this ((((hugs))))

[soaps]

Don't give up Patrick . Wen i am at my lowest and the sobs come i sing a hymn and focus on my next goal. could b as easy as eating dinner or fixing my bookshelf. silly but it helps . All your posts have been so encouraging and helpful even if they only stir up discussion. so thank you. my Dr said the other day someone like me had seen him earlier that day and things had suddenly improved . Thank God for her. but really the success stories are not here . take a break from the net as its depressing and will make your eyes worse. PM if you like.

[LaDiva]

Hang in there great guy and new dad! Someone told me to think about happy times in the past, and visualize them. It makes me feels tons better. Silly, but for some reason it helps. Please talk to a professional. It will make you feel better, and will probably be a great relief to your family as well. If you don't feel better after talking to the first therapist, keep going until you find one that clicks. I know. For me, third time was the charm. Hugs.

[patientpatrick]

Thank you all who've responded and offered me words of encouragement through posts and PMs. I've been seeing Therapy for quite awhile since this mess happened. I've been working for a long time to try to fix my physical dry eyes and have been ignoring how psychologically and emotionally damaging it has been. It's funny who intertwined they both are, which is why i've been becoming more and more depressed when treatments fail. I know I haven't tried "everything" but I've tried a lot and have not found relief, and if I found it, it's rather minimal. I understand baby steps, and I'm willing to endure intense pain if it will lead to relief, but the pain seems to be more chronic than anything. In the early days, weeks, and months after my Lasik procedure time was on my side so to speak. At least that is what i thought. When I wouldn't see improvement, I was always told that healing takes time, and things will get better as the days and months go by. The problem is as time goes by, the odds of healing seem to diminish. In short time isn't on my side anymore, and I feel that waiting around to see if I heal will make it less likely.

After my extensive dry eye workup the doc. said that my eyes looking pretty healthy and recommended topical treatments. Once again, minimal relief as I feel that my condition is nerve damage and I don't know how to treat that. I've heard some of you have had success with serum drops for nerve regeneration and some didn't notice anything. It seems that's my only option left and I haven't found a doctor who advocates for its use.

On a side note, I'm not silicone quadra-plugged been on restasis for 3 months with schrimer scores of 10 and 8 and a TBUT of 7 sec. Now i know that those numbers are below normal. But i would think I'd experience epiphora but quite the opposite. MY EYES ARE STILL DRY!!! It makes no sense and makes me so angry.

The only thing that I look forward too is going to sleep. Because then i can put in some gel and close my eyes, and for once in the day I am no longer in pain. I haven't acted on anything, but i'm sure many of you can relate to me when I say this. "When i go to bed, I hope I never wake up..."

I don't mean to sound like a downer. It's just been very difficult to get through the day whether it's hour by hour or min by min. To be honest its the min by min that's the hardest really, because its a constant reminder that I'm still in pain. And every min or so I see someone with glasses and i feel like crying. I remembered how much I miss my own pair of glasses and how comfortable my eyes were before Lasik.

Thank you all for your support.

[Pinky]

Hi Patrick,

"I've heard some of you have had success with serum drops for nerve regeneration and some didn't notice anything. It seems that's my only option left and I haven't found a doctor who advocates for its use. "

Serum drops are a fairly standard treatment in Vancouver BC. If you PM me your email address I can send you the requisition form that is used. Maybe if you show it to your doctor he may be more comfortable prescribing the treatment.

[Phillips55]

Patrick,
I feel for you and I wish I knew what to tell you. All I can say is that I hope it gets better somehow. I can relate to how you feel. In the last month or so I have gone from severely dry eyes to what my doctor calls moderate. I am still in so much pain though. When I try to read anything, it feels like my eyes are trying to cross and it seems like they are constantly trying to refocus. This sensation causes great pain that spreads to other areas of my face. Going from appointment to appointment without an answer is exhausting. I feel hypocritical telling you advice when I often feel hopeless myself. But the fact is people here are right when they tell you to fight on for the sake of your new family. And hold on to the fact, and it is a fact, that there
may be something out there that will help, or something may be invented soon that will help you and me and many others with this awful mess called lasik. Message me anytime if you want, and remember the best revenge is living well.

[Hemu]

Patrick,

I highly recommend you see Dr Pflugfelder(in Houston). Your condition sounds similar to mine and I had a good experience in my visit there. It does take a while to go see him and thus, I'd recommend you start using serum tears until then.

I also advocate the following:

1. Plasma tears
2. If you can't come to Houston, then try Serum tears
3. Silicon plugs(one in each eye)
4. Continue restasis, take some vitamin supplements, omega3, gla, omega 7 etc
5. Time. I know it feels like forever but please, do realize that you have it in you to get through this. For yourself. For your wife and for your new born(congratulations on that btw )


You might even be a candidate for Boston scleral lenses. However, I'd go for those after trying the options I've suggested above.

All these are treatments people here have benefitted from. You'll know if a particular treatment is working for you or not after giving it say...3-4 months at least.

[patientpatrick]

Patrick,

I highly recommend you see Dr Pflugfelder(in Houston). Your condition sounds similar to mine and I had a good experience in my visit there. It does take a while to go see him and thus, I'd recommend you start using serum tears until then.

I also advocate the following:

1. Plasma tears
2. If you can't come to Houston, then try Serum tears
3. Silicon plugs(one in each eye)
4. Continue restasis, take some vitamin supplements, omega3, gla, omega 7 etc
5. Time. I know it feels like forever but please, do realize that you have it in you to get through this. For yourself. For your wife and for your new born(congratulations on that btw )


You might even be a candidate for Boston scleral lenses. However, I'd go for those after trying the options I've suggested above.

All these are treatments people here have benefitted from. You'll know if a particular treatment is working for you or not after giving it say...3-4 months at least.

Hi Hemu.

Are you on serum tears right now? Did it help in regenerating nerves? I'm in LA with a newborn so making it out to Houston won't be happening anytime soon. When you say we have similar conditions, what were you diagnosed with specifically?

What I really want is what everyone on this forum wants. For my eyes to heal on their own. I just don't know if that's still possible.

[Hemu]

Patrick,

I was on Serum for a month and then switched to plasma. I've been diagnosed with Corneal Neuralgia. A good article to read is:

http://www.aao.org/publications/eyen...derForPrint=1&

You just have to give it time to know. Sadly, I don't have a crystal ball to let you know However, there is definite evidence here that people have healed after going through hell several years post LASIK.

I hope that helps.