Feeling down

[shells]

Marty,

You message makes me want to cry (but I'm trying not to since it is bad for my eyes!!!!!!) You sound EXACTLY like I did a year ago. Everyone told me that I would learn to deal with it, and I DID NOT believe them. I thought for sure that I was destined to a life of misery. I woke up every morning with my eyes on my mind, and went to bed every night the same way. I thought about my eyes atleast every minute of every day. That is not the case for me anymore, or for many of the other people on this site that were in your shoes early on. Please believe that things can get better for you too!!!! I am not 100% myself yet, but I am so much better than I used to be. I still get down sometimes, I think it is impossible not to when you are dealing with chronic pain. But I can assure you that it is nothing like the desperation I felt early on. Please believe that you can beat this too. I agree with Neil that you should seek professional help if you need to. And as for the anti-depressant...it might not be about making your eyes better, it is about making your quality of life better. I swear that throughout my whole ordeal, the emotional stuff was half the battle...maybe even more at times! If you can get the depression under control, things will be so much better.

Crying and making your eyes tear up on their own may not be the best thing. I spent hours and hours crying, and all it did was leave my eyes red and sore and took them a while to recover. So, often times the depression actually adds to the eye problems. As far as dealing with this for the rest of your life....try not to think that far ahead. Just take things day by day...I know...SO MUCH easier said than done. When I can't help but think about the future, I think like Flick. For all we know, in 10 years this could be the LAST THING on our minds! Maybe all of us will have healthy normal eyes by then with all the research that is going into dry eyes these days. Even the eye drops that I use now are new since my eye problems started. I try to stay optimistic about other things coming out in the future that will help us even more.

You sound so sad, and it is so upsetting that anyone has to suffer like this, but we DO understand. Many of us have been exactly where you are right now. Please don't lose hope though, things are going to get better. Please send me a PM If you need to talk.

-Shells

[Flick]

Clintsmommy,

Sorry to hear that you're in a tough spot right now. I agree with everything that Neil said. As another young person with dry eyes, I feel your pain. It's not fair. It's no fun.

One thing that keeps me going when I'm down is faith in science. I can guarantee you that in ten years there will be much better treatments for dry eye. In twenty years there may be a cure. In 30-40 years there will be a cure. Just look at how quickly treatment has improved in the past five years (Restasis, soft steroids, Lacriserts, much better artificial tears), maybe someone that has had dry eyes for a while can chime in on this. Scientists and physicians already know much much more about what makes up our tear film that they ever did before. So when Clint is going to college and getting married, your eyes will be doing much better than they are now. I promise you they will.

This may sound basic, but have you tried warm compresses recently? I tried half-heartedly with washclothes a while back, and didn't see much change, but am now doing them four times a day with a microwaveable eye mask and have seen improvement already. A study that someone posted on here a while ago took people with dry eye and had them do warm compresses and lid scrubs for 10 min, twice a day for two weeks and on average their TBUT increased four seconds. So maybe give this a try, although it's time-intensive it is cheap, and hopefully it will give you some rapid comfort.

Like Neil said, please get help, not just for your sake but for your son's. And please don't lose hope - things will get better.

[neil0502]

You're clearly in trouble, and I think you need to reach out to a professional for help.

Of COURSE you're 'too young' for this. Of COURSE it absolutely stinks. Those things are true. But when you say that you wouldn't consider an antidepressant because it won't change your dry eyes, you're missing a critical point: it might make you FEEL better, emotionally. It might make it easier to COPE with the dry eye pain.

Significant improvement COULD be just weeks or months away for any of us. We just don't know. If you convince yourself that you will have 70 more years of this and worse, then you are bound to feel worse. If you try to live more in the moment, you may find it slightly easier to get by.

I feel safe in saying that most of us here understand your plight. Probably a fair number of us are dealing with other issues, too. We aren't tougher, smarter, or better people than you. Many of us have just worked hard to change our perspective over time. Nobody is saying it's easy. I'M saying it's possible. In your case, working with a health-care professional (psychiatrist, more than likely) may offer you significant help. It may change your life. It may mean that Clint's mommy lives to a ripe old age to play gramma. No intention of putting guilt on you. I just want to see the best possible outcome here, as do you.

But I think you need professional help, and--as always--I don't mean that as ANY KIND of putdown. I mean it as a gesture of compassion and concern.

I hope you'll take that step. I hope you'll take it today. Do you work outside the home? Does your company have EAP (Employee Assistance Program) resources? If you don't have easy access to this kind of care, let us know. Maybe I can find a phone number for you. I'd be happy to try.

Neil

[clintsmommy]

To everyone who has posted a reply, I completely symphathize with each and everyone of you. I appreciate your kind and encouraging words. I really admire the fact that you guys can remain positive even though you are experiencing DES. I am not so positive right now. I do not know if I ever will be again. I am definitely in a funk right now. I hate to moan and groan to everyone, but I feel like my path has been set at 24. I am going to have to deal with this beast until I die. I have already done all I can. I take vitamins. I have had my tear ducts cauterized. When I had that procedure done, the eye doctor said " You're a little young to be having this done, most of the people who have this procedure are a lot older". Great, so much to look forward to. I use drops throughout the day, but I prefer to naturally moisten my eyes. I can make my eyes water at will. I have had a complete eye exam, and everything is fine, as far as my corneas and eyesight. I am very young, so I am sure this will change as I get older.

I know a lot of you suggested I get on an antidepressant. I have thought about it, but it is not going to change the dry eye. I am still going to wake up every morning and that be the first thing on my mind, and the last thing when I go to sleep. If I just had to deal with dry eye, I might be able to handle it, but I have got other issues as well. My coping abilities have been exhausted. I can not talk to anyone about this, because unless they have it, they will not understand, or they will act weird around me. I definitely do not want them to know that I have thought about suicide, because I do not want them to think I can not take care of my son. To look or talk to me, you would think I am perfectly normal. I am very responsible, and I take good care of my son. I am just keeping it together as long as I can, but I do not believe I can live with this for the rest of my life. My goal is raise my son until he is grown. I do not mean to discourage anyone, but I think that everyone's breaking point is different. I have not met mine yet, but I cannot live with this for 50 more years. What a nightmare!

[Lucy]

Nitey says:

So you may not have caused this with the Lasik.

Oh, Nitey!
I must say in almost all instances those of us who had lasik know when, what although probably not why the lasik caused our dry eyes! It is almost black and white in our cases. True, meds, environment and all sorts of other stuff can vary results. But, we ARE sure when lasik has caused our dry eyes.

This is so much more provable than taking a medicine. We have a difinitive timeline with which to recognize our agony. :-) We paid thousands for the privilege of "getting" dry eyes. Mine cost $4,400 and that was only to start it going. ........Our timelines do vary, but they always started after lasik. Some right away, some a couple of months later and some (although fewer) a year later. In my personal case, my eyes started to be painfully dry about 4-6 weeks after the procedure. The doctors now know and tell in the informed consent that lasik can cause dry eyes. In the early days of lasik @2000 and prior, they denied this was the case.

Just more useless info for you.

[shells]

Hi Marty,

I just saw this post, and I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I am 27 and had lasik 17 months ago. I do not have any children, and I can only imagine how much harder that would have made the whole situation for me, but I can sympathize with the depression, anxiety, and the fact that no one seemed to understand. I am one of the people that showed Diana's story to my family to try to help them understand how serious this all was. I will say that it did help them understand better, and they were more supportive after that. I just wanted to restate what many other people have already said. You are going to get better!! There is still a chance for your eyes healing, but even if that does not happen, you are going to learn to manage and you are going to "get your life back". That is how I always look at it. For over a year, I was not myself...I felt like my life had been taken away from me because I was so miserable and depressed. I did not make big strides emotionally until probably 13 or 14 months post-op. My eyes had not gotten any better, but I just learned to deal with it better. I certainly still have my ups and downs, it is hard not to when the pain is bad...BUT, I am no longer in a deep depression like I was before. Like Neil said, on the bad days, you have to focus on the times that aren't so bad, and enjoy them to the fullest when they are there. I actually look forward to things, and I have found joy in my life again, even with the dry eyes.

I know how low of a place you are in, and I know how much of a struggle life seems to be. You just need to take things day by day and you WILL get through this. Diana is right about reaching out. I reached out to so many people on this site to get me through the rough times, and I'm not sure how I would have made it without them. Please feel free to PM or email me if you need to talk. I'll keep you in my prayers.

-Shells

[Niteyorkie]

Dry eye without Lasik

I am 31 y/o and have severe dry eyes and I did not have Lasik. You might have had dry eyes even if you did not get the Lasik done. Mine were dry and then one day they seemed really really dry and I couldn't wear contact since then. I don't know what caused mine. I do have anxiety and I did take Paxil. But I don't think that was the cause of my dry eyes. I have been off of it and it has not improved. So you may not have caused this with the Lasik. I might be that they were going to get dry anyway.
As for going to other doctors I agreed. The first doc that diagnosed me told me the same thing. He did not have good technique with the Schimmer's test and would poke my eye with the paper before he set it on my lid. Well of course then my eye would water and he would say oh you make plenty of tears. He wouldn't do plugs because he said they would water. I went to another doc that specialized in dry eye and my Schimmer's test was 2 and 4. He cautherized my bottom tear ducts closed. I did not tear except one time and I went back to him and he said that the tear duct came open. He closed it again and I had no more tearing.
Hope you find some more options

[Jade9923]

Marty,

I am sorry for your pain. I can relate. What I have not seen yet is what you are doing for the dry eyes in terms of treatments, doctors, specialists, plugs etc

Do not assume there is no hope for you until you have exhausted every option!! Doctors are not created equal either. I lived in pain under the care of this highly respected doctor who told me to just keep putting in the ointment and that "punctum plugs wouldn't help but would only make tears fall down my face".

He was dead wrong and he didn't care. I found a good doctor who put in 4 plugs and since then I don't have any more dry eyes. I have tons of tears. I do have to do the lid scrubs several times a day to deal with the blepharistis but I am not in pain. This doctor saved my life. DES is such a tedious problem for doctors. You need to find one who really cares about your pain. The first doctor didn't care at all, he cared mostly about doing a hundred cataract surgeries a day.

Tell us all what you have done in terms of treatment. Use us and all the knowledge here so we might be able to guide you if you have not exhausted your options.

Do not give up!! Let us help you. Tell us more.

[brd888]

Empathy

Hi Marty,
I empathise with you as I too had mild depression before I got a dry eye.
Now I feel the dry eye is a current force behind my depression. Back in August this year when my dry eye was deteriorating I found that some of my depression medication had dry eye side-effects. This cheered me up no end as I thought I had found the answer. Now, 3+ months later I have little or no improvement in the condition despite stopping beta-blockers and trying to reduce my anti-depressants. I now think the dry eye side-effects in these medications are negligible in my case.
Regads,
Bruce

[Mika]

im sorry marty for ur sad story....
guess u have taken the wrong step forward with this lasik.....
but after all it is not all ur fault...who would have known dat u will get this? who would have known dat u won't cope with lasik...

well if u say dat ur future do not look bright....well me i have only 19 years...so mayB, based upon ur phrase.....MY future will be very devastating......
i have dryeye for 3years and some months now...

well.. sometimes me too i think my future won't look great.... and wonder if my life will have a happy ending....
but you can cope with it, after all doesn't ur husband nxt to u in this bad situation......"pour le meilleur et pour le pire..."
...mariage is not about just enjoying good parts...but also try to hold hands together through the bad ones....
after all, if he can stay with u in goodpart, why cant he stay with u in bad part..

i fink u must NOT keep all by urself.......having read Men r from mars, women from venus (john gray), i really believe dat u must talk to him and share it with him.... isolating state will really isolate life of each other... and frustration and depression will develop...and family life may be destroyed...
the only thing dat make me passed through all these sh*ts is MUSIC......good music is reallllllly GOOD!!.....wen im sad n thinking about the other world...

just hold on.....the life and happiness of ur son depend ENTIRELY on it...

[GeorgeT]

Clintsmommy

I am so sorry to hear your story. It's very touching.
You got to do something quickly to improve your life. I live in Alabama too (Auburn), and you live closer to Birmingham, so get in touch with "green eyes" on this forum and she will direct you to a very good doctor in there. Anyway I'll ask her to send you a PM with the contact info. You must do something ASAP about your depression, which is manageable.

Best of Luck!!

George

[Ben]

Clintsmommy

i have never had the surgery that has caused so many of the people on this forum to experience the undoubted pain and anguish of Dry eye. I am still searching as to why my own problems started two yrs ago, but i know that here on these boards i have alreday found so much to help me along, i know that you will too.

I am certainly no authority on eyes, nor the ways of the world or life in general, just carry on in my own little way.

As such how about i simply offer something a bit daft.

I have noticed that on my daily trip to the bathroom after waking, the walk is filled with the thoughts of what i am going to see when the bathroom light goes on and i am face to face with the mirror. As such, i have found that greeting the mirror with a big beaming smile, makes my eyes, even if only for a short time look a great deal better than when i am not smiling, sometimes even let out a laugh and stick my tongue out, then jump in the shower.

It's daft, has no medical benefit and perhaps may even make you feel a little nuts, but it has taught me that, during the day, if my eyes start to get me down, or if i have to meet with people, i know that if i smile, in myself i know i will look and feel better.

Just something that costs nothing to have in your locker.

cheers
ben

[neil0502]

Marty-

I'm following some pretty tough acts--some extensions of warmth, understanding, kindness, caring, and compassion that are the hallmarks of this site and really representative of their respective writers.

In other words ... though I'm sorry you NEED to be here ... I'm so glad you came.

Your story touches all our hearts, and strikes a chord in the minds of most of us, to be sure. I can only echo the sentiments that those before me expressed, and I'll try to just lay them out plainly:

1) If you're having recurrent thoughts of suicide, get help ... in any way you feel comfortable ... from a qualified professional ... and now. I don't say that to scold or to preach. I say it because you're a human being and I care. Please.

2) Much in the way that Diana said (like many here, it's a pleasure to read her words), you have to begin imagining yourself "making friends with" your disease. I heard that when an NFL football player spoke for the American Diabetes Association. You have to work with it, not so much battle against it. There are a thousand possible things that you can try--most of which ARE found on this site--that might give you some measure of relief. It's "management," not "cure," but....that might be enough.

3) I agree wholeheartedly that--as natural as it feels--the guilt about the LASIK decision is a huge weight to carry, and it sounds like you've got puh-lenty on your plate without it. Take that guilt for a walk one day and tell it that you need to break up with it ... that things aren't working out, and that you need to let it go and move on with your life. The guilt will understand.

4) I fall back to a silly line from a silly movie, "The Rock." Nicolas Cage asks Sean Connery how they survived each day in Alcatraz. Connery says, "We nurtured the hope that there WAS hope." That's how I survive each day with my eyeballs: by believing in belief, by having faith in faith, and--as recovering alcoholics say: one day at a time. Marty: some days suck. They just do. No getting around it. But I remind myself that some days don't ... and THOSE are the one's I'm living for! I spend a lot of time looking for things that I CAN accomplish and trying really hard to put aside all the thoughts about what I can NO LONGER accomplish ... and that list is awfully long. Staying in the positive is much more than a cliche with DES. It's one of the fundamental bricks in "The Program."

5) I agree with the recommendations that you talk with a Psychiatrist about antidepressants, being VERY certain to evaluate (or come here and ask about) the associated risk of dry eye WITH the particular drug. Some are worse than others. My sense is that you are in that stage where it's tough to see light at the end of the tunnel. When a good antidepressant works for somebody ... suddenly ... the light at the end re-appears ... and things start to get a little easier.

Again, I'm so sorry for what you've gone through, but I truly hope that you'll at least reach out for some short term help ... just to get you FEELING a little better ... so that you can start to take on some of these weighty issues that are dragging you down.

I wish you all the best ... and ... am also here to help.

Neil

[dianat]

Best of luck in moving forward. I have to be honest, when I first found a web site featuring miserable LASIK casualties, I became even more depressed. The fact that other people were out there debunked my flimsy theory that my dry eye was unfounded and that I was maybe temporarily insane!

But no such luck.

As it turned out, I am most grateful for the folks on DEZ. I'm sorry that they have to be here, but I'm happy to have them.

Clintsmommy, if you ever need to contact someone my email address is dgtelles@fuse.net. Sometimes it takes some one-on-one to get through it. Plenty of people helped me along the way.

D

[clintsmommy]

Thanks so much for the kind and encouraging words. I was very upset when I was writing my story. I have been dealing with this alone for so long. I feel so bad now that I have read about some of the problems other people are experiencing. I really admire people who even though they are in the same or worse situation try to encourage and uplift others. I am so glad I found this website, and I hope to get to the point to where I can encourage others. I have been in such a dark place for so long. I know that I am not going to get better overnight, however, this website is a very good first step towards feeling better.