Woke up in tears...

[patientpatrick]

How I wish they were tears of joy, or tears of relief, but to be honest, I think letting out a good cry felt real good actually.

Here's a link to my very first post.
http://www.dryeyezone.com/talk/showt...sik&highlight=

I couldn't get out of bed this morning. I finally mustered up the strength and got up and sat on the couch. As I contemplated my day I began to well up with fear anger despair and much sadness. My wife came up to me as I put my arms around her. My emotions grew and I couldn't hold them in anymore. I let loose and I cried, screamed and sobbed until I exhausted myself and couldn't cry anymore. I have shared my symptoms, causes, treatments on many forums seeking the advice of doctors and other professionals, and the more I hear back the more dire the picture. I too wish there was a time machine or perhaps just a single redo button we all could have once in out life. I've been fighting for the last year to convince myself that I would get better, that I would heal, and return to a life that I could be happy with again. I saw a therapist and it turns out I'm going thru the 5 stages of grief (in case you're interested: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/the...oss-and-grief/) I'm apparently in phase 3. I feel that I should just accept things they way they are. No longer hoping no longer fighting. But while acceptance can bring closure or at least some level of resolve, I believe it to be some form of surrender. And surrendering means no longer fighting, and it seems that I should be fighting more now.

As the tears ran down my face my eyes got a strong sense of relief. They felt moist lubricated and ironically happy. It wasn't until perhaps an hour later that the relief subsided and I was back to experiencing discomfort and pain. A constant reminder that relief is short lived, at least for now. I'm not sure if there was a point to this post, other than to rant and vent. I've read every reply to every post someone has sent me. I have taken them all in and am thankful for such support. I wanted to let you all know that I am still fighting.

Patrick

[Guest]

I saw a therapist and it turns out I'm going thru the 5 stages of grief (in case you're interested: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/the...oss-and-grief/) I'm apparently in phase 3. I feel that I should just accept things they way they are. No longer hoping no longer fighting. But while acceptance can bring closure or at least some level of resolve, I believe it to be some form of surrender. And surrendering means no longer fighting, and it seems that I should be fighting more now.

So sorry to hear you're going through this.

To me, accepting things as they are means no longer despairing about how things used to be, but just accepting your fate at the moment.

However, it seems to me that one can accept one's current fate (however far from ideal it may be) and find contentment and a way to live with it, yet still seek out solutions that will improve it in future (ie. keep fighting).

For me, things got a lot better mentally once I started focusing on baby steps... which initially were as small as just trying to make the next hour more comfortable... but then the baby steps get bigger and you can start focusing on making one day at a time better, then one week at a time, and so on.

[DCRdryeye]

sorry to hear this, I remember a friend telling me "It's only your eyes, you can still see, look at John he's suffering through chemo and surgery". But of course, they are wrong and do not understand eye problems impact our life significantly. I've had severe dry eyes and mgd for 5 yrs now and as they all say here "It does get better". - they are correct!! Not that it will take you 5 yrs and new developments and treatments are springing up faster than I've ever seen in the past. YOU WILL GET BETTER, it's only been a short time since you had lasik.
You can read my story (if you can find it, I don't have time to look for it now). But I went through a LOT of depression after having surgery that induced dry eye. The regret, guilt and grieving didn't go away and focussing on it became an obsession. Four months of counselling did NOTHING. But what finally helped was going on "Fluvoxamine". Within days, I stopped thinking about my eyes....it was amazing. My mind cleared and allowed me to focus better. You may already be on something, I have no idea about your regime or what you're doing. Feel free to write and tell us more.
Thanks for letting us know about this recent episode and again please keep us up to date with what's happening, your plans and strategies you have in mind. We can throw in more ideas for you. Hope you feel better soon

[Hemu]

Patrick,

As you can see, people on this forum have years of experience dealing with this and are coping really well with their lives. The way I look at it, we are newbies at this(I'm not even one year post LASIK, will be in April).

I would like to believe SAAG, DCRdryeye, Sheila and Rebecca when they tell me that things will get better. They are kind hearted people with years os experience of treatments and coping mechanisms. And, they are willing to share all of that with us, selflessly. A lot of people here are also posting information on future treatments that will possibly help us heal faster.

I really hope that you are able to cope with this mental anguish and have healing thoughts. I hope this year is good for you and all of us. I think that one day, we will replace the roles of these kindred souls and help others onus here in whatever way we can. We will be a lot better then to do that

I like what SAAG said about "baby steps". It's a good way to approach the issues we are facing.

[Guest]

I like what SAAG said about "baby steps". It's a good way to approach the issues we are facing.

Hopefully it can help someone. I just know that when my eyes were at their worst, and I was horribly depressed, it seemed hopeless when I looked ahead a year - that was just too overwhelming of a time span for me to consider when I was feeling so awful (eyes sucked beyond belief, and mentally I was doing badly) But somehow, just planning for how I'd make the next hour tolerable seemed manageable. So that's all I did for a while... hour by hour... and it worked. Hopefully it can work for someone else too!!!

[Guest]

I remember a friend telling me "It's only your eyes, you can still see, look at John he's suffering through chemo and surgery".

Oh, I know... people just can't fathom how bad this can be... not to say chemo and cancer isn't totally horrible too and I'd never want to say cancer wouldn't be just horrendous and scary as all hell, but those kinds of comments just make you feel like someone is dismissing your eye problems as no big deal and no worse than dealing with the occasional headache or some such thing. I mean honestly... yes, cancer CAN be worse (for sure would be worse if it would kill you for example, and could be not the end of the world if just a cancerous mole that is minor enough to require nothing more than a quick removal at the dr.'s office) And obviously that doesn't mean there aren't other things that are just plain awful to contend with also.... and of course, there are varying degrees of awfulness... But some people have such difficulty understanding that dry eye can vary from the minor no big deal variety to totally debilitating.

I once had someone look at me in horror when they found out my insurance plan covered some of my eye drops - they said something along the lines of "You mean they cover that when it's your own fault this happened?" I was incredulous that they would say such a heartless judgemental thing and was thinking WTF? (err... can I say that here?... mods feel free to delete it if not... but it just totally sums up my reaction haha )

People totally suck sometimes... fortunately not always though

[jax8it]

Patrick,

My heart goes out to you. I have woke up in tears many times this year. In fact I have gone to bed in tears and have had tears as my afternoon company many times this year as well. I remember probably in March or April of 2012(surgery on Jan 21 2012)I would go to my car everyday during my teaching conference and ball my eyes out. It felt good to let it all out, yet I soon learned that my eyes would feel horribly worse afterward and I still had 3 more classes to teach. I now go to my car to just chill out and get away from the constant ac/heating that never shuts off! Oh I still have my "be" days, the days I curl up on the couch and allow myself to feel sorry for my lost life. It is a lost life to me. Almost every aspect of my life has changed. I still have not figured out how to run my long distance runs or to wakeboard again. And then I have my "do" days.These are days where I get out of bed put my onion goggles on and try to figure out how I am going to make this work. This is the hard part because there really aren't many treatment options out there and that can bring you down. So far the best thing that brings me any comfort are the moisture goggles. I have a pair of custom moisture glasses that I wear to work. I need to get them worked on as they become uncomfortable, but I am still grateful to have them because I don't have to wear the onion goggles to work.
Some things I have recently started again are restasis and doxy. I don't think I gave them a fair chance their first time.
using a steroid drop for two weeks and started serum tears 20% 4x/day. Doing warm compresses 2x/day. I am going to continue to take fish oil and flax seed oil.
I want to look into plugs again, I need to give them one more try.
Then lipiflow or ipl
Then I will be moving on to scleral lenses

Who knows by then there might be a new wonder drug out that will help us. But I get it Patrick..... this is the hardest **** I have ever been through in my life. You are not alone in this

[patientpatrick]

your support is much appreciated. I know i'm not alone in this, and i wish that none of us had to suffer. I spent the day on the couch with my laptop the majority of the day. As usual trying to find ways to relieve my pain and seek the advice of others. I'm trying baby steps SAAG I'm really trying. I was able to get without breaking down, but trying to cook dinner for some reason wasn't easy for me. My wonderful wife was on the couch reading a book and I ended up on the couch in tears again. We talked and she realized that while the pain can be unbearable, it was the feeling of guilt that caused my emotions to well up. This feeling that I lost a part of who I was along with my glasses. The fact that the man I see in the mirror now is someone else entirely. And I chose this. I'm hopeful for relief and even more hopeful for a cure. For now, I'm working on accepting what I have done to myself and moving on from that guilt.

[DCRdryeye]

Patrick in terms of the "guilt", it's very important to know that IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. And if you can 'beleive' these words I am going to give you, then the guilt will diminish. Guilt is simply coming from regret and inadequate perceptions. But in the midst of an emotional storm, it is difficult to hold together.

I didn't get dry eye from LASIK but from a different surgery, but nevertheless I was NOT told about all the complications. In a portion of my website, this is what I think about surgeons withholding information about the outcomes and risks:

"Sparing details here is no different from flat-out lying. A lie by omission is still a lie. Lying to patients about the details of a medical procedure is about as unethical as it gets".

You can read more about it here: http://www.blockedtearductsurgeryadult.com/?p=156

In my write up, simply replace DCR with LASIK, in reality, it makes no difference. We put our faith in "professionals" who are supposed to help us, and we see others with successful LASIK surgery. But we don't see the dark side unless we research, and how many people do that?

[patientpatrick]

DCRdryeye, i've read your site before, and had the chance to reread it. I know the pain you are feeling and the roller coaster you when through and continue to be on. Your words speak to me, i just need more time to internalize them. This is going to be a long process. I do remember you replying to a post I had regarding punctal plugs. I will not use the incanancular ones but I'm in need of relief. I'm thinking of the temporary collagen ones to start and if they work perhaps the Eagle Vision Flex. They are capped so they shouldn't fall in. Hopefully my eyes heal so i can have them removed at some point. To all you readers out there, I will admit that any additional treatment scares me. I don't trust doctors too much after my surgery and am skeptical of treatment. That's a tough place to be because I need to trust someone and need to get treated somehow. Looks like I'll need to muster up more courage to go along with the fight I'll need.

As usual, any advice on plugs is much appreciated.

[robster]

Try not to beat yourself up too much Patrick. I know how hard it is not to blame yourself when LASIK goes wrong. It sounds like you have a good support system in place with your wife and that can only be a positive. Trust me your most definitely not the first guy to cry over LASIK dry eye and I had many days like that at the end of 2011.

The one thing I would say is that it is possible for your mental side to recover before your eyes do. My mental state has improved far more than my eyes have in the last year and a bit. Great words from SAAG(as always) and Jaxit.

Another thing I have done this year is set myself a pretty lofty set of goals to achieve which should considerably eat into any free time I have to think about my eyes. Not saying you should do exactly this but maybe a small list of things you can reasonably accomplish could help to divert your thoughts.

[Guest]

"Sparing details here is no different from flat-out lying. A lie by omission is still a lie. Lying to patients about the details of a medical procedure is about as unethical as it gets".

I couldn't agree more!

But we don't see the dark side unless we research, and how many people do that?

Even if you HAD done research, the only times you may ever have seen debilitating dry eye mentioned as a complication of LASIK is on forums like these. So then, not being able to comprehend that yes, dry eye can actually be very debilitating if severe enough, you have doubts and think "are those random people on the internet exaggerating? mentally unbalanced? or is it actually true that LASIK can cause that?" So then you ask the surgeon if such a thing is actually possible since hey, he's a medical dr, and surely would know after having done thousands of these procedures... surely he will have your best interest at heart, right? And then the surgeon tells you nope, LASIK does NOT cause severe debilitating dry eye ever and that YES, those random people on the internet are surely lying or mentally unbalanced because there is no way can LASIK do that. So you believe him, and comforted by the thought of all the people you know who have been so thrilled with their LASIK, you go ahead with the procedure, thankful that medical science has come so far that you can finally no longer be dependent on glasses to see - you think you must live in such a wonderful time that such things can be done safely! You figure that they've been doing refractive surgery for 2 decades now, so if your surgeon says it's safe, it must be true.

And then it turns out that the dr. was wrong... "om****ing g" you think

But life goes on... YOU didn't choose this, it's NOT your fault. Ok fine, you chose to have LASIK, but you didn't know the scope and extent of the risk you were taking... none of us did. You've gotta stop the blame game... come to peace with the fact that you did as thousands and thousands of others have done (and will continue to do) and after carefully considering this life-altering surgery that sounded so wonderful, you went for it, confident that all would be well and you were in the best of hands. You (and me, and others here), were wrong, but you had no way of knowing that prior to surgery. You made the best decision you could based on the info you had... forgive yourself for taking the risk... you thought the risk was minor and had no way of knowing this was possible.

Additionally, we are generally pretty young when we decide to get LASIK... we haven't had much need for dr's up to that point, so assume that they are totally trustworthy, since we've never had any experiences yet to disillusion us. Perhaps if we had been 70 or 80 years old and making this decision, we would have had enough interactions with dr's by that point to know that they are not always right... but at 29 or 30 or whatever age any of us were... we just couldn't have known...

We all have to take risks in life... taking risks is what gets you places... obviously a huge bummer (to put it mildly) that this particular risk ended up being bigger than you thought it was, but that's the say it goes sometimes. You can't live life perfectly... you're not a clairvoyant who can see the future. So go easy on yourself

Hmmm... and to think... there are probably people who are contemplating LASIK, reading what I've writren over the years here, and wondering, as I did so long ago "Is she exaggerating? Is it really that bad? Maybe she's just mentally unbalanced... I'll ask the surgeon and double check..." Or maybe they'll think "It's been 7 years since her surgery, the lasers and surgeons are better now, so I'll be fine... the surgeon said so too!" Sigh... what can you do... that's the way it goes...

[Rebecca Petris]

I ache for you Patrick and at the same time though I'm relieved that you have some support and are actually able to give voice to your thoughts and feelings...

Baby steps are good. Being kind to yourself, giving yourself permission to be having as hard a time as you really are... important too.

Much as the physical pain battles really suck, the internal emotional battles are always worse. And a sense of guilt is one of the worst offenders. Reminds me of a sentence that stuck with me from a book I read recently on an unrelated topic: "I am convinced that shame is the most powerful human emotion." Got to stubbornly, consistently counter those voices of self-blame with the truth: that you did nothing wrong to bring this on yourself.

[farmgirl]

Hi Patrick: I am sorry to read that you are in such a bad place and it is true there are no shortcuts to grieving. I find it interesting that you are having such a tough time emotionally because you are, at some level, assessing yourself blame for the predicament you are in. My dry eye was caused by Sjogren's syndrome and what I find interesting is that I have never been where you are in terms of emotions. I had to go straight from this is what I have, this is why I have it now I need to find out what I can do about it. There is no emotion attached to my pain, just sort of an OK where do I go from here. I feel lucky that I have been spared that part of the roller coaster ride.

My eyes are so dry that my evaporative tear times are 2-4 sec and during my Schrimer's test one eye was so dry that the paper pulled the skin off of my eyeball and it was bleeding when the Dr. got in to check me. Take heart though, thanks to the folks on this forum I am in a good spot right now because I have found a combination of things that are working for my particular case. I still have Sjogren's, that has not changed. I cannot wish it away but I can tell you that my eyes no longer burn when I am trying to use the computer at night. I no longer need to wear sunglasses on the sunglasses if the light is bright. I can at times get away with a bit of makeup without paying for it with burning eyes later and I no longer need to pour in the drops just to relieve the burning for the next 20 min.

I feel that I should just accept things they way they are. No longer hoping no longer fighting. But while acceptance can bring closure or at least some level of resolve, I believe it to be some form of surrender. And surrendering means no longer fighting, and it seems that I should be fighting more now.

There are so many of us that have improved significantly by finding that magical combination, through trial and error of things that work for us. I had to accept my condition, I had no choice, but acceptance did not by any means mean that I had surrendered, in fact on the contrary I had just begun to fight. You my friend, with patience and persistence, will also in time find that place. But take heart, you, unlike myself, still have the hope that with time your eyes will recover somewhat, if not completely. For that I envy you.

So I urge you to just accept what you have, it is what it is, but NEVER give up fighting. Above all else remember that you are in good company, we all feel your pain and are rooting for you...hugs...F/G

[patientpatrick]

Farmgirl I have many hugs to give you as well. I am so sorry for the pain you are in. I feel fortunate that I still have time to figure things out. I once told my wife that I wish i was involved in some sort of accident that would cause my condition, like acid being thrown in my eyes or something, because at least I could be at peace that I didn't do this to myself. There have been many kind words out there telling me that this isn't my fault. I take every word and comment to heart. I'm just not at that point yet where I can admit that it isn't my fault yet. That is still a mountain I have yet to conquer. Rebecca, your words are comforting, I clearly still have a lot to learn. I will continue to fight and will continue to look for ways to heal. I had an eye doc recommend the Eagle Vision Flex plug, anyone try that one with good results btw? and another doc tell me I was consuming too much omega3s apparently 6000mg is too much. There's a lot of confusing and conflicting data out there but like you said Farmgirl, trial and error. I'm rooting for all of you too. Another day, another reason to fight right?

Patrick