My fears [TRIGGER WARNING]

I think the MOST important thing for you to do in regards to trying to maintain your relationship and keep it happy and healthy is, stop talking about your eyes. Just stop. I’m sure she’s heard everything that can possibly be said, over and over and over and over again. That’s what I had to do, just stop you will eventually push her away. It’s great to use this site and vent and talk, but please you have to give your wife a break. Can you imagine living your life how it is now without your wife and your child there. It maybe seem like “well I’d probably prefer it for their sake so they don’t have to go through this” but they love you and want to be with you. You HAVE to stop having those same conversations. And the best part about not talking about it DOES actually help with a distraction no matter what you or anyone says it does because I have been there and lived it. I was a complete emotional wreck I have bi polar, borderline personality disorder and Depression. So you can just imagine the ****ing shit storm this was when I had to quit my job and be house bound for a whole year with my eyes shut. When I stopped looking at my eyes in the mirror everyday, when I stopped talking about it to my fiancé, when I would literally punch myself in the face every damn time I thought about it I was completely bruised my whole ****ing face black and blue, It actually started to get better that’s what it ****ing takes to change a mind to literally beat the shit out of yourself to control the thoughts (for me at least). So it’s going to be hard but you just have to try and stop living in your mind about it cause guess what? you’re ****ing living it physically isn’t that enough?! Your wife’s whole attitude will shift, I bet at the moment she seems like she doesn’t care as much or she’s being blunt but that’s because she’s heard it all a million times. Trust me brother teaching and training yourself to not mentally live it as hard will change everything. If someone with bipolar, borderline personality disorder and extreme depression can do it I have all the faith in the world that you can do it to my man. Sorry if it sounded blunt but it’s the truth also take a month break from this site and tell me how you feel because being on this site is just living your hell in a virtual way too

This was an honest post, I cannot hate it. You remind me of myself. When you said you punched yourself in the head, I laughed. Not cause it’s funny, because I would do the same thing. I understand that level of desire to quit doing something that you’ll beat it out of you.

I’m bipolar, extreme depression. Had my first rapid cycling episode ever. Was hallucinating, the whole deal. Since that happened, I haven’t been the same. It’s not an excuse, you’re right, I gotta chill the tuck out. Just hard to function when you think about killing your self a dozen times a day. As I’m sure you understand.

Homesrly, I’m beyond beating myself in the head. I need chemical intervention. How old are you might I ask? Do you take any meds for it? Im 38...I could get away with this shit 10 years ago, not now. Now, it’s diferent, it’s worse.

[Topher3]

I appreciate you man. Just wish I agreed. I’m not present for my wife. Today she said, for my birthday, I want just one happy day start to finish. Where something doesn’t bother you. That makes me sad. We used to ask each other about our day and talk about everything. I can’t do that anymore. I’m so lost in my own mental hell i can’t participate. I told her tonight, I just keep thinking about how this is forever. And even though I’m good now, I am just looking at my daughter calculating how long I’ll live to see her grow. Every day I do that. I’m not the father or husband I want to be because of this. I could have been so much better, that gets me so much. I do t go out because I fear my eyes getting bad. So I don’t take my daughter out of the house as much as I should. That will only get worse. I feel unfit to give her the best life possible. I could go on. I’m just constantly sad, filled with guilt, ashamed, I just hate it.

I think the MOST important thing for you to do in regards to trying to maintain your relationship and keep it happy and healthy is, stop talking about your eyes. Just stop. I’m sure she’s heard everything that can possibly be said, over and over and over and over again. That’s what I had to do, just stop you will eventually push her away. It’s great to use this site and vent and talk, but please you have to give your wife a break. Can you imagine living your life how it is now without your wife and your child there. It maybe seem like “well I’d probably prefer it for their sake so they don’t have to go through this” but they love you and want to be with you. You HAVE to stop having those same conversations. And the best part about not talking about it DOES actually help with a distraction no matter what you or anyone says it does because I have been there and lived it. I was a complete emotional wreck I have bi polar, borderline personality disorder and Depression. So you can just imagine the ****ing shit storm this was when I had to quit my job and be house bound for a whole year with my eyes shut. When I stopped looking at my eyes in the mirror everyday, when I stopped talking about it to my fiancé, when I would literally punch myself in the face every damn time I thought about it I was completely bruised my whole ****ing face black and blue, It actually started to get better that’s what it ****ing takes to change a mind to literally beat the shit out of yourself to control the thoughts (for me at least). So it’s going to be hard but you just have to try and stop living in your mind about it cause guess what? you’re ****ing living it physically isn’t that enough?! Your wife’s whole attitude will shift, I bet at the moment she seems like she doesn’t care as much or she’s being blunt but that’s because she’s heard it all a million times. Trust me brother teaching and training yourself to not mentally live it as hard will change everything. If someone with bipolar, borderline personality disorder and extreme depression can do it I have all the faith in the world that you can do it to my man. Sorry if it sounded blunt but it’s the truth also take a month break from this site and tell me how you feel because being on this site is just living your hell in a virtual way too

I mean, how many people do you think have bad dry eyes?

To have a disabling case of it is pretty rare in the big scheme of things, which is one of the things that makes it so difficult.

Strength takes different forms. Your ability to be so open and forthcoming about what you're going through is a strength. Your compassion towards and eagerness to help others on here proves your character is not garbage.

OTOH, yes you could be an asshole. But I can relate to most of what you write on here, so that would make me one too. So I'll go with you not being one..

I appreciate you man. Just wish I agreed. I’m not present for my wife. Today she said, for my birthday, I want just one happy day start to finish. Where something doesn’t bother you. That makes me sad. We used to ask each other about our day and talk about everything. I can’t do that anymore. I’m so lost in my own mental hell i can’t participate. I told her tonight, I just keep thinking about how this is forever. And even though I’m good now, I am just looking at my daughter calculating how long I’ll live to see her grow. Every day I do that. I’m not the father or husband I want to be because of this. I could have been so much better, that gets me so much. I do t go out because I fear my eyes getting bad. So I don’t take my daughter out of the house as much as I should. That will only get worse. I feel unfit to give her the best life possible. I could go on. I’m just constantly sad, filled with guilt, ashamed, I just hate it.

[Meibum Ian]

All of of those people had such a great attitude. I feel like such an asshoe complaining. But then I still complain. Which is why I hate myself. I’m not strong. I act strong. It’s a lie. I’m a lie. This disease exposed that. My character is just garbage. Hard to realize that so suddenly.

Thank you all for the replies. I know I may be fighting you guys on it, but im just trying to be honest about how I feel. I hope we can all move on from this one day soon. Get on with our next big challenge.

Strength takes different forms. Your ability to be so open and forthcoming about what you're going through is a strength. Your compassion towards and eagerness to help others on here proves your character is not garbage.

OTOH, yes you could be an asshole. But I can relate to most of what you write on here, so that would make me one too. So I'll go with you not being one..

Yup. Agree 100% Dowork.

Any rational overview of living a terrible quality of life. And the understanding it probably will get worse. Its pretty frightening. If i were just getting started and trying new things. Thats one thing. But at 15+ doctors and still functionally disabled.

i think people are simply hardwired differently. There are very elderly people with terminal cancer on dozens of meds in terrible pain getting more surgeries and chemo and radiation so they can go on in terrible pain, bed ridden for a little while longer. That doesnt make any sense to me. But others might call me a monster. So i think its hardwired.

How do i change the way my brain works?

To answer that question...drugs. Change your brain chemistry and you can be a completely different person. Also a scary thought. That all I am really, is just a bag of chemicals. But I agree...some people are just wired to want to live no matter what. I’m not that guy, quality over quantity.

[edmunder]

Yup. Agree 100% Dowork.

Any rational overview of living a terrible quality of life. And the understanding it probably will get worse. Its pretty frightening. If i were just getting started and trying new things. Thats one thing. But at 15+ doctors and still functionally disabled.

i think people are simply hardwired differently. There are very elderly people with terminal cancer on dozens of meds in terrible pain getting more surgeries and chemo and radiation so they can go on in terrible pain, bed ridden for a little while longer. That doesnt make any sense to me. But others might call me a monster. So i think its hardwired.

How do i change the way my brain works?

[epicjinx]

First off, don’t worry about snapping at me or anyone. It’s totally fine, I get it. I’m not upset at all. I’ve snapped on a couple people here and I’m just waiting for the right time to apologize. I feeel like I have to get mentally stable first or I risk giving an apology and then doing it all over again. I hate that I do that.

As as for the MGD, I’d like to be hopeful. But I know for a fact they cannot find a singles treatment that cure all causes of MGD because they’re all different. The glands all malfunction for different reasons. One person has allergies, one person has a flopp eyelid and on person has rosacea...do you honstly believe they will have one single procedure or drug that will help all those people? I think they may have 20-30 different drugs and procedures one day, specific to each cause. But again, that is a long way off. If it were as simple as finding this one key that fits the lock, I agree, it would be hopeful.

Im not going to kill myself now. I just know that I’m always looking to escape. I use marijuana to escape my pain so that I can function. Essentially I use marijuana to be part of life. Because once I melt the stress, I can function. Otherwise, I’m too high strung to get anything done properly. My hope is that the medication, lamictal, will help with that. Maybe I can quit smoking weed. That would be awesome.

I'm just trying to give you some hope on mgd. I dont know how much of mgd related it will cover. I just thought it would be nice to inform you and tell you that there are people out there working on a better mgd treatment instead of ipl/lipiflow. It's a drop for mgd which is different. I get what you are going on about but its better news that anything else for mgd at the moment. I dont have much answers on auzras product but I tried to give you some hope seems it was futile in saying so.

Just wanted to share some good news I am aware of
more and more doctors (in USA) now are learning dry eye - they have to, if they want to do Lasik, other operations.
without healthy ocular surface, they can not do op = no incomes.

You say, they have to...not really. They do the procedures without proper screening all the time. What about eyelid disease? That’s just as important as ocular surface disease.

I think thar unless there there are regulations put in place, you will always have unethical doctors trying to just make a buck. We need a protocol and fda regulations AND recourse for the docutis thar don’t properly screen. You threaten someone with fines or jail time, that will motivate them I promise you.

[MGD1701]

Just wanted to share some good news I am aware of
more and more doctors (in USA) now are learning dry eye - they have to,
if they want to do Lasik, cataract, surgery etc
without healthy ocular surface, they can not do op = no incomes.

I think people here are both struggling mentally with their disease but also in more pain then others. Could be neuropathy, could be bad clinical signs or higher sensitivity to pain.

I had mediocre (i.e. painless but uncomfortable) to decent stretches that lasted two months. My blinking pain was almost gone or almost always gone. To my desperation somehow it returned. I was convinced I was over that part but unfortunately I was not. Oddly enough my days are now not just mediocre but sometimes very bad and sometimes really good. This Monday I had work in a 40-50% humidity place with my coworkers. Every blink was either scraping or hurting. I could not focus on anything. On Thursday I had a decent day and on Friday my blinks became smooth and painless.

This is not the first time it happens. It is soul crushing to go between pain and being normal. I am wary of feeling better because I can’t trust the improvement to last but I try to enjoy it as much as I can without thinking ahead.

I wrote a post similar to yours a few months back when I was feeling better. I was scared and anxious because once I surpassed a certain amount of days, I knew that falling back into pain will not be easy.

Take one day at a time. No point in thinking about the future in detail. You compromise present by fear. Easier said then done, of course, I struggle all the time but I do remind myself to be here. Meditation can help. The book “You are not your pain” has both some interesting scientific info and guided meditation. Of course there is always headspace, too.

In very stressful moments, I do this exercises when you pay attention to your senses: 5 things you hear, 5 things you see, 5 things you smell, etc. It helps me come back.

Another thing. Staying occupied. I struggle with taming my thoughts but I can fill my days, especially when I am not with pain, with good memories and activities.

Practical ideas. I fill a daily log with my symptoms, diet, activities, eye stressors, sleep details, medication. It helps me to at least stop speculating and making wrong claims about the past. I use Google forms for this.

Perhaps, you can find a good therapist. I could not find one. I get annoyed and angry because they don’t know chronic pain. I would love to see someone who knows what it’s like.

Finally, hope. I think that if you have good days with steroids or not, that means your body is capable of being almost normal and normal.

Anyways, these are my thoughts.

I can’t speak for others but I can speak for myself. I thought I had neuropathy and I 100% do not. Which makes me think. My pain could technically feel worse. Yet I perceived it to be one of the most painful eye conditions, neuropathy. I had some good reasons to believe it. I’m also not a doctor so thinking I could figure this out was also naive. So looking at this objectively. It seems like I’m not handling my MGD very well. Not to say MGD isn’t painful, it is. But my pint is, there aren’t many MGD patients on here in relation to how many there are in the population. So you’re right, it’s either not MGD and it’s worse, or it’s exactk what it is and I’m not handling it properly. For me it’s 100% the latter.

i understand the crushing blows. Part of me even feels guilty posting that I’m doing well. Knowing that you and others are all still in a worse place than me. So I can’t even enjoy my healing. And that’s just one reason I can’t enjoy my healing.

I have ave a great psychiatrist. But he’s at his end with me. He’s prescribed a drug that he believes will work and I won’t take it. I’m afraid of the side effect of Stevens Johnson. It’s rare, .01% of people taking the drug get it. But I have a rare eyelid disease. So saying something is rare isn’t helping to sell me on it. I believe if I took the drug it would work. I trust my psych. But I can’t get over the idea of getting Steven Johnson. If I just have dry eye, how would I deal with that? Not good. I would 100% end my life. No doubt I couldn’t live with the scars and pain.

i just feel weak. Seems like everyone is a fighter except me. I went to UIC 4 times now to see Jain and get medicine. Every time I meet someone there worse than me. The thing that strikes me as odd is their attitude. One guy with gvhd said, well I’m alive and talking to you right? The rest is just little bullshit. Another woman had gvhd and sjogrens. She’s like man my eyes are just so frustrating. Isn’t that the understatement of the year. Then I just met another woman, extrenely sensitive to light, even with full sunglasses on. She said, ya know you just play the hand you’re dealt.

All of of those people had such a great attitude. I feel like such an asshoe complaining. But then I still complain. Which is why I hate myself. I’m not strong. I act strong. It’s a lie. I’m a lie. This disease exposed that. My character is just garbage. Hard to realize that so suddenly.

Thank you all for the replies. I know I may be fighting you guys on it, but im just trying to be honest about how I feel. I hope we can all move on from this one day soon. Get on with our next big challenge.

Dowork123 you hit the nail on the head that’s EXACTLY how I feel, minus suicide. I do believe the people on this forum could definitely have worse symptoms than others but from reading a lot of people’s posts and including my own if you read them, you can see the mental illness or the overbearing anxiety and fear. I do believe a lot of people hear find it hard to cope whether it’s from the symptoms or the crippling anxiety of the thought of living a long life in this pain and extreme discomfort which I agree is almost impossible to sit back and be okay with. One thing that I would IMPLORE you to do if you can is PLEASE be kind to yourself. It’s not your fault you’re here as much as you think it is. If someone told you years before this problem “oh if you do all these things you will have an illness that will make you want to end your life” would you do it? Absolutely not. We are all victims of circumstance no one ever does anything to worsen themselves. Something that I find extremely helpful is that at times it feels like you’re a million miles away from where you want to be but in reality in can just be a moment a way.
Please take this moment and enjoy the feeling if there is anyway you can just push aside that fear for two minutes! I am so sorry you are going through this and everyone on this forum, however life has and always will be suffering. We live we laugh we love and we also unfortunately ... suffer. Whether it’s dry eyes or having to be put on a dialysis machine for 4-8 hours a day every day for the rest of your life or until you have a kidney transplant, whether it be falling and breaking your back and becominga paraplegic, losing family members, partners, children, getting glaucoma and going completely blind, cancer, everyone suffers and I know this doesn’t help you and I’m not undermining your suffering I’m just trying to help you with perspective as when we suffer our feelings and views become like tunnel vision and we fester until it consumes us. You’ve got a beautiful child and from past posts if I remember a very caring and loyal partner. I know it’s hard to give them the full you and be yourself (I fully understand) but please just hang in the we truly NEVER know what’s around the corner.

I appreciate what you wrote. None of it made me feel like you were lessening my suffering. I just had these plans. I ****ed up my life. I waited to do things. I thought, that trip, I’ll take it with my daughter one day. Or even waiting to have my daughter. I did that thinking I’d be more mature and capable of being a better father but now I’m sick. I waited to but that convertible corvette, now I’m not sure I can own one. So my entire future just got shit on. I’m retired, have a beautiful wife and kid, all the money I ever need....and I cannot enjoy it properly because of this disease. One benefit of killing myself would be that my daughter gets my money before I spend any more of it. I’d rather her have a healthy father, but we apparently don’t get to choose our illnesses.

I cant get over being a victim of life I’m upset about it. I wasn’t perfectly healthy by any means. But I was so god damn close I can’t understand how this happened. I ate 80% perfect the last 12 years, I worked out, I slept good took lots of naps, I thought I was being healthy. But this is genetic and had more to do with how I act in my sleep. You’re right, I couldn’t do anything about it. I think that makes it worse. I mean things I can change, I just find a way to change them. Things I can’t change. Well what do you do about that? You’re right, life set me on this path of which I had no control. It’s like playing a game where the rules change every 5 minutes. It’s maddening. I can’t control myself when I’m unconscious. All these things eat me up everyday. I’m doing ok for a while, then I just snap at my wife or whatever. I hate myself for that.

which is why I can’t be kind to myself. I hate myself. I hate that I act the way I do, I hate that I do these things I can’t control...everyday I wake up and my right eye is sore to some degree from sleeping on it. I try all these things and still can’t fully prevent it. So what now, I can’t even sleep right, wtf? I’m glad it’s better. But I could be near perfect if I could just sleep right. But I’ll never be able to control myself in my sleep. So I’m this creature and I can’t even control myself. That’s odd, because I have this illusion that I’m in control, but I’m not. I’m a passenger in this ride with the illusion that I’m turning the wheel. That sucks too. because the reality is, I’m subject to whatever life hands me. I can’t really stop it. I can try and hope for the best which is again, scary.

Heres whats crazier...THIS IS NOT THE WORST THING THATS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME IN MY LIFE. There will be harder struggles ahead. What do I do then? If I can’t properly handle this. It’s not just the dry eye...I’m not great at being a human in general. I can’t handle this collapse of my body and mind. This is another reason suicide is attractive. End it now before it worse. I used to think dying young is bad. Not necessarily.

Let me say, I didn’t sign up for this. I was born, I was not asked to be born. I’m here and I didn’t get the choice to be here. Now I’m entangled I’m this game where everyone loses. Some worse than others but we all lose. Why the **** would anyone want to play that game? I don’t play games that aren’t fair. And fair doesn’t mean pain free, it simply means fair. This isn’t fair. I was abused my whole life until I was 14. I didn’t ask for that either. I was born to extremely stupid people. I’m not meant for my family. They have no idea what I’m about at all. But my entire childhood was hard. I thought I would get a break. But nope.

I dont see anyone with moisture chambers on. I see no one else with dry eye unless they’re over 60. I feel so ****ed it’s not even funny. Everyone says, well, we all have some illness we’re fighting. Sure. But some are better than others. I’d rather have damaged joints than this. I’d rather lose a limb than have this. At least I could read and watch tv without my eyes hurting. But again. We don’t get to choose our illness. Just a lot to deal with. And to think I had a daughter and now she’s going to have to deal with this suffering. Why have a child. You are lirerally just causing their suffering. They will one day get sick and die. So that’s what I brought to earth. Death. Because life is always accompanied by death and also suffering as you said.

Hi just to inform you one company is focusing on mgds root problem dysfunctional glands. Look up azura they are creating a product that will help millions trials are in Australia at the moment but hopefully after itll spread everywhere. I hope it gives you some hope. Also there is another Australian research group who has now been able to tell the precise molecules of the oil layer (from what I read). I made a post about research on mgd. Just to make you aware some people are trying to help us mgd sufferers. I also have it but I just wanted to share some hope with you.

please do not attempt suicide.... it gets you no where. Trust me- im a survivor i put myself in hospital due to an overdose. It only gave me regret for doing it, and blood clotting problems and I did have stomach problems for alot of the time. Its not the answer. Please pm me if you need- i know I've been snappy before im sorry just had difficulty myself too. But of all do not do it if you need to rant just pm me. I'll do my best to listen or go speak to a gp about your thoughts. This disease is hard, but slowly they are getting there. Many of us have spent money. There's a petition ongoing but I dont know what's happening to it as none of the listed people the petition was sent to have replied.

First off, don’t worry about snapping at me or anyone. It’s totally fine, I get it. I’m not upset at all. I’ve snapped on a couple people here and I’m just waiting for the right time to apologize. I feeel like I have to get mentally stable first or I risk giving an apology and then doing it all over again. I hate that I do that.

As as for the MGD, I’d like to be hopeful. But I know for a fact they cannot find a singles treatment that cure all causes of MGD because they’re all different. The glands all malfunction for different reasons. One person has allergies, one person has a flopp eyelid and on person has rosacea...do you honstly believe they will have one single procedure or drug that will help all those people? I think they may have 20-30 different drugs and procedures one day, specific to each cause. But again, that is a long way off. If it were as simple as finding this one key that fits the lock, I agree, it would be hopeful.

Im not going to kill myself now. I just know that I’m always looking to escape. I use marijuana to escape my pain so that I can function. Essentially I use marijuana to be part of life. Because once I melt the stress, I can function. Otherwise, I’m too high strung to get anything done properly. My hope is that the medication, lamictal, will help with that. Maybe I can quit smoking weed. That would be awesome.

[hopeful_hiker]

I think people here are both struggling mentally with their disease but also in more pain then others. Could be neuropathy, could be bad clinical signs or higher sensitivity to pain.

I had mediocre (i.e. painless but uncomfortable) to decent stretches that lasted two months. My blinking pain was almost gone or almost always gone. To my desperation somehow it returned. I was convinced I was over that part but unfortunately I was not. Oddly enough my days are now not just mediocre but sometimes very bad and sometimes really good. This Monday I had work in a 40-50% humidity place with my coworkers. Every blink was either scraping or hurting. I could not focus on anything. On Thursday I had a decent day and on Friday my blinks became smooth and painless.

This is not the first time it happens. It is soul crushing to go between pain and being normal. I am wary of feeling better because I can’t trust the improvement to last but I try to enjoy it as much as I can without thinking ahead.

I wrote a post similar to yours a few months back when I was feeling better. I was scared and anxious because once I surpassed a certain amount of days, I knew that falling back into pain will not be easy.

Take one day at a time. No point in thinking about the future in detail. You compromise present by fear. Easier said then done, of course, I struggle all the time but I do remind myself to be here. Meditation can help. The book “You are not your pain” has both some interesting scientific info and guided meditation. Of course there is always headspace, too.

In very stressful moments, I do this exercises when you pay attention to your senses: 5 things you hear, 5 things you see, 5 things you smell, etc. It helps me come back.

Another thing. Staying occupied. I struggle with taming my thoughts but I can fill my days, especially when I am not with pain, with good memories and activities.

Practical ideas. I fill a daily log with my symptoms, diet, activities, eye stressors, sleep details, medication. It helps me to at least stop speculating and making wrong claims about the past. I use Google forms for this.

Perhaps, you can find a good therapist. I could not find one. I get annoyed and angry because they don’t know chronic pain. I would love to see someone who knows what it’s like.

Finally, hope. I think that if you have good days with steroids or not, that means your body is capable of being almost normal and normal.

Anyways, these are my thoughts.

[Topher3]

Dowork123 you hit the nail on the head that’s EXACTLY how I feel, minus suicide. I do believe the people on this forum could definitely have worse symptoms than others but from reading a lot of people’s posts and including my own if you read them, you can see the mental illness or the overbearing anxiety and fear. I do believe a lot of people hear find it hard to cope whether it’s from the symptoms or the crippling anxiety of the thought of living a long life in this pain and extreme discomfort which I agree is almost impossible to sit back and be okay with. One thing that I would IMPLORE you to do if you can is PLEASE be kind to yourself. It’s not your fault you’re here as much as you think it is. If someone told you years before this problem “oh if you do all these things you will have an illness that will make you want to end your life” would you do it? Absolutely not. We are all victims of circumstance no one ever does anything to worsen themselves. Something that I find extremely helpful is that at times it feels like you’re a million miles away from where you want to be but in reality in can just be a moment a way.
Please take this moment and enjoy the feeling if there is anyway you can just push aside that fear for two minutes! I am so sorry you are going through this and everyone on this forum, however life has and always will be suffering. We live we laugh we love and we also unfortunately ... suffer. Whether it’s dry eyes or having to be put on a dialysis machine for 4-8 hours a day every day for the rest of your life or until you have a kidney transplant, whether it be falling and breaking your back and becominga paraplegic, losing family members, partners, children, getting glaucoma and going completely blind, cancer, everyone suffers and I know this doesn’t help you and I’m not undermining your suffering I’m just trying to help you with perspective as when we suffer our feelings and views become like tunnel vision and we fester until it consumes us. You’ve got a beautiful child and from past posts if I remember a very caring and loyal partner. I know it’s hard to give them the full you and be yourself (I fully understand) but please just hang in the we truly NEVER know what’s around the corner.